A while back, I found a youtube video of a guy explaining how he "came out" as trans to his family. His answer: he didn't. This guy (who for the life of me I cannot remember his name or find his video) who I'll just call "Jack" explained his story. He used an analogy about how when he was a kid, he used to always want tattoos. Since he was just a kid and he wasn't allowed to get real ones, he would draw the tattoos he wanted all over his arms all the time. Eventually, his family just got used to seeing the drawn-on tattoos. One by one, Jack started getting them actually tattooed in. His parents didn't notice, since he always had some kind of scrawlings on his arms before anyway. And if they did notice, he would say, "Oh that old thing? I got that done a long time ago. You didn't notice?" When Jack started accepting his transgender identity, he used the same approach. He never flat out told his parents he was transgender. He never wrote a letter or made an announcement. Slowly, day by day, he grew into his identity. He cut his hair short and started dressing/acting like a man. Jack also used to make Youtube videos where all the characters he played were men, so his family got used to seeing him that way. And when he started looking more and more like those "characters," it wasn't such a shock. Eventually the news did come out that he was trans after he started HRT and got surgery. But you know what? When his family finally got the message, it actually made sense. Seeing this video where Jack told his story really opened my eyes to some other possibilities for coming out. I've been stressing so much over the best way to make the announcement, but maybe the best way is no way at all. Maybe I should just start living as the man I know myself to be, and if they ask questions or demand an explanation, then I give them them hints or my letter telling all. But then another part of me feels like this is a cop-out approach. Just because it worked for Jack doesn't mean it would work for me. Maybe I need to just get it over with and deliver the gut-wrenching news - making everything abundantly clear from the get-go. That way they'll know why I stopped shaving, why I cut my hair super short, why I started wearing boxers and shopping in the men's department. So instead of these being bizarre things that a strange "girl" does, they'll finally have some reason or explanation for it. I just thought I'd share my thoughts with you guys. What do you think of "Jack's Approach" as opposed to the usual coming out process, like through a letter? What are the pros and cons of both?
I think it is a great idea, as long as you are comfortable with it. Pros and cons, I think the "Jack way" is obviously slower, but adds a bigger amount of relief every time and the "truth" is slowly revealed. The traditional way would be one huge build up and one huge relief, but a lot of information to take in for the people being told.
I think whichever method provides the best balance between the least external stress and the least internal stress is a good one. There are other methods to consider as well. Coming out to a whole family at once isn't always necessary. If there's anyone you can come out to that you know will be quiet and supportive (friends, siblings, etc.), it might make coming out to other people easier to handle (for using the "Jack" method or the traditional method).
This is the method I'm sort of trying right now. Very slowly. I've been dressing/acting like a guy practically my whole life and recently I did more, then I stopped shaving, now I'm waiting for my binder and I'm gonna cut my hair even shorter now that they're used to the short hair I have. In fact I've already told my dad I'm getting a hair cut and he actually asked short at the top with shaved sides and I said yes. This isn't huge news because he's always asked that, so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping they figure it out before I go back to university.
I think this is an interesting method that might work well for some people, but not for everyone. For example, I know it would not work well for me. Since middle school I have been acting slightly less feminine, before I even knew I was transgender. I've worn boxers, originally as sleepwear, then eventually just as underwear since probably 7th grade. Sophomore year I cut my hair short, and it has been that way ever since. I have acted how I wanted because I didn't really care what people thought. But in their eyes, doing this only makes me a weird girl, or a little bit too butch as they know I am bi. It isn't seen as me being male at all. The rest of my transition will involve hormones, and likely surgeries, and the social aspect of names and pronouns. I don'r know how I would possibly avoid coming out, because it is still needed, and without it I wont be a male to my family, just an odd girl. I also feel like it will always be somewhat shocking to my family just because that is not what they expect of me or see me as. They still have to change their thoughts about a fundamental part of me, and without being told, they wont just make that switch. If i went on hormones and they noticed, they would wonder what I was doing, and why I thought it was a good idea, I would look too masculine. They wouldn't just slowly realize I am a man. It wouldn't work that way for my family. So, with Jack's Method, I'm all for you starting to express yourself, but oftentimes families see what they want/expect to see, and without explicitly informing them, they might never really see the true you.
This can be true and is for some of my family. I'm not close to a lot of them so the thought doesn't bother so much, but for the rest I'm doing this because I'm not so good with communication. But I want them to notice something; I have quite a nosy family so I imagine they'll notice and I want questions. Questions are easier to deal with than initiating conversation. It's all about how things work for you. Different parts work well for some while others may not.
