Hello people I'm currently Richard. How is everyone on here? SO I am sure everyone of us have been on this roller coaster ride from hell if you are questioning or are trans. So long story as short as possible so I do not bore everyone. Just under 4 years ago It seems like everything in my head changed over night. Introspectively over countless hours the last few years I have realized that it wasnt the ilegal substance or or any over night change that occured but more of a fortified prison being torn down and who I am starting to understand and believe I was born to be finally breaking free!! My thought processes changed and a lot of things about me and my past started to make sense and explains a lot. I remember as a kid steeling my sisters things and pretending to be her in secret. I didnt remember until recently the reason I broke into my bosses house in 9th grade but after things changed I remember that even though I would pay dearly for it I went in and only went through his wifes things. I forgot I had stolen a pair of her satiny flowery girly panties that I hid inside my couch/bed in the basement and on bad days where the mental and physical abuse was too much I would put them on and lay there and how they felt good and calmed me. Never a sexual thing. But always thought I was miserable and hated myself for same sex urges and had issues with my penis due to sensitivity. I had a lot of women to keep up an image. After the notch I lost sexual interest and have never really had a libido. After a lot of research I found chastity and instantly wanted permenant chastity which I have learned is because I dont want to ever use it again. Then I found the bilatteral orciectomy and got stupid happy and crave being castrated and hrt to atrophy my above average penis. I think I want my gonads removed because its permenant and ends masculinity! I am about 99% positive that I am mtf transexual but my brain still fights it. Most likely from bad mental abuse and issues! I have comtemplated suicide a lot for a few reasons and have become an even more depressed recluse that self medicates with a chemical I hate but it stops the darkness. Does this make sense and how do I end the battle inside so I can transitionor if I am aupposed to? I must admit though life as a woman causes me mixed emotions and terrifies me. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2015 at 01:17 AM ---------- Side note. I have always fantasized and day dreamed about being a woman and still have no attraction to either sex. I dont even get full mast most of the time. I only relieve myself when it gets painful and have never liked cumming.
