So I've decided that I'm agender. I've started going by they/them pronouns, but it's almost uncomfortable hearing them used sometimes. I know I prefer them over he/she, but is that normal to not feel comfortable hearing your correct pronouns used? I'm a really awkward kid. And there's the bathroom thing, and shopping for clothes. I always feel uncomfortable wherever I go, and even given the chance I'm too afraid to ask for the bathroom key to the family bathroom at the library etc. So what do I do there? My family's really transphobic, but the constant misgendering is killing me. I was thinking of saying that I'm just not comfortable being called "she" anymore and to just use ungendered pronouns to refer to me, but I just don't wanna end up in a bad situation. I could still come out at school, but I'm scared and don't know how. And what do I call my sexuality? I identified as gay before agender, but now I don't know what to call it. How do I deal with dysphoria around transphobes? What about on my period? Dressing up?
you dont have to have pronouns! a lot of people think that because youre a certain gender or just have a certain identification, that you have to choose pronouns. thats bull. you dont have to have pronouns if you dont feel comfortable using them. people can just call you by your name, and thats it! instead of saying, 'oh here she/he/they/it comes' they could say 'oh here comes skater' and so on and so forth. and also, if you like girls or people with vaginas, but dont have a gender so that you can say youre gay or straight etc, then you just use 'gynosexual' which is the sexual attraction to females or people with vaginas. theres also 'androsexual' which is for males and people with penises. you can look these terms up, if youd like to read more about em. i recommend you do, see if they fit well with you. however, all this being said you dont HAVE to label your sexuality, you just love who you love and thats it. but if a label makes you feel more comfortable, like me, then go ahead!
I don't wanna go without pronouns though; I don't like my name being repeated so much. I think I just have to adjust to the new ungendered pronouns, it's just so awkward.
pronouns have no genders, unless you give them ones. so if the problem is that you dont feel uncomfortable with certain pronouns cuss theyre commonly used by certain genders, then dont worry about that. i know some male identifying people who feel more comfortable using 'she, her, hers' pronouns. but like i can understand the feeling tho. anyways, 'he/him/his, she/her/hers and they/them/theirs' arent the only available pronouns either. some people even feel more comfortable using 'it/it's/its' pronouns as well. a lot of these pronouns sound super foreign and even grammatically incorrect, but thats because were not used to hearing them and have made everything be either male or female, so it would take a lot of getting used to, specially for friends and family to use. even more so, strangers.
I don't think I entirely agree with that. I mean, yeah, I see where you're coming from, but it's also about how people perceive others, and he/she pronouns are perceived as gendered pronouns. I don't want to be perceived as either gender. I just don't want to make things more complicated or awkward than they need to be, yknow? I think they/them are the right pronouns, they just feel...awkward?
I definitely understand the whole thing about people seeing you as a specific gender, based on pronouns and choice of clothes. And that's because society's blind with having things be either black or white, male or female, so it's not your fault. I guess you'll just have to get used to the "they/them/their" pronouns. I'm sure you'll feel comfortable with them, the more they're used.
I don't want to seem insensitive here hopefully you don't take this the wrong way. Bentley has offered basically all the advice anyone different could. If you think those are the right pronouns, just stick with them. Especially if you don't like the others and hearing your name too much is bothersome I think sticking with it and having them grow on you is your best bet. You don't necessarily need an orientation label. You can just tell people you like girls since it is easy and doesn't imply any gender on yourself (which most labels seem to). I have been in the same spot before I came out. I was scared of everything. In the end though you just have to do it, ask for that key, tell people what pronouns you would like to be called and do your best to ignore the people who are ignorant to it all. Don't come out at home if you don't feel safe though, you'll have to wait if that's the case and it is the hardest but you can get through it It may be good to find a therapist of sorts, or a counsellor at school? Having a professional to talk to isn't a bad idea, they may be able to help with what seems to be anxiety and may have advice for how to deal with your situation.
When I first started using they/them pronouns I thought they sounded really odd too, so it isn't just you. I know that I am resistant to change, even if it is for the better and I have gotten more comfortable in the last few months. I'm not quite there yet but I've come a long way in just 4 months. I imagine you will get used to it over time and, if not after a while, you can always try another option. I don't have a lot of advice on coming out, but if you think your safety or living situation are in danger I wouldn't do it. I have found that having a few people who know and I can be myself around has been helpful. I am afraid that being out might influence whether or not I can find a job in my (quite small and specialized) field so being fully out may be a long time in coming, but my roommates have switched to calling me my chosen name and pronouns and are really supportive. Having a few of these people has made a huge difference for me. As for dressing up, nice pants and a button down shirt are 'dressed up' for me, so again, that may not be so helpful depending on the expectations where you are. Good luck!
Part of a transition isn't just about dressing different or changing your appearance, it's also about you psychologically adjusting to living as your true self. Often, people grow up socialized as the wrong gender and it can be hard to overcome all that conditioning. You need time to adjust to these social changes just as much as the people around you. As KayJay said, there's isn't a lot more that can be offered, and it's really about sticking with it until it grows on you. If it doesn't grow on you, try new things until you find something that fits. Don't be afraid to experiment and change your mind later. Bentley gave you a great list of pronouns outside of he/she to work with too. Try to find what you feel most comfortable with and go forward from there.
