I'm nervous lately. I guess I might be just upset I can't look how I want but I'm worried that what I previously wrote off as "survival" might be my actual gender. I shaved my legs and got bad razor burn but in addition to that I started to wonder if maybe all of this is just a bad idea. Like maybe I'm just a girly boy and I shouldn't do all the things I thought I wanted. Like as if shaving was something I liked the idea of but it doesn't really make me feel better or maybe I'm not really a girl. Sometimes I fall back into my regular pattern of thought and I feel like it's beneficial to not look like a girl simply because I will get picked on or look bad. Maybe that's just who I am? Why am I so scared of doing the things I've always wanted to do all of a sudden? I am accepted by the people around me and I feel it So why am I being such a wimp?
I think it's normal to go through this. The last weeks I'm going through this cycles quite often due to my new position in the company. There are so many situation, things people can say or do, deliberately or unknowingly, that will fan the flames of self-doubt. Shaving doesn't make you feel better, so what? This doesn't mean that you are on the wrong track. Some things work others don't. When I'm doubting my conclusions i reached during the last months, I just lie down, close my eyes, put a hand on my stomach (to the center of Chi, so to say) and the other hand to my heart and just listen and feel to my innermost self. It might work for you as well or not. Everyone is different, it's that simple. When I just look at me as a single individual I will tell you, gimme the red pill, I start transitioning instantly. But (un)fortunately we are part of and interwoven with our families, friends and society, so we fear so many things that can happen to our loved ones and us. The uncertainties, like "Will I pass?" "How will they treat me?" a.s.o. Often we doubt out of the need or feeling to protect them and us. I can tell you that I'm a huge coward. Is this really a bad thing? It saved me from doing stupid things in the past and it will save me from rushing into decisions I might regret. On step after another, sometimes two ahead and one back. There is no prize to win for the first one over the finishing line, but there is a huge prize for you, for us - To know who you/we really are! - and this is worth all the time it takes. I hope my confused babbling makes some sense...
It does. And I keep revisiting it when I'm down. Haha, thank you. The hands thing helps, too. It's good advice (for me). Thank you.
