Let me start by apologizing for how long this is, and how poorly typed it is. I'm just really nervous for some reason. So for the past few weeks, I've been pretty confused about my gender. Ever since I could dress myself (four or five) I've always dressed like a guy. A few months ago, I got my hair cut into a hawk, so I tried wearing more feminine clothes to look somewhat like a girl (mostly for my mom and grandmother), but it felt really odd and uncomfortable. And I've always seen myself in a suit when I think of being invited to a wedding or some sort of formal event. Now, I know the clothes you wear doesn't mean you're trans or anything, but it's really got me thinking. I remember when I was way younger my mom told me that I'd never have big muscles like my dad and I felt disappointed. I don't have any body dysphoria, but having a flatter chest would be nice, bigger muscles would be nice, having no hips or curves would be awesome. I've also thought about peeing while standing up (I was around the age of four and five, again), never have tried though. I used to be mistaken for a boy when I was younger and felt embarrassed, but not for me, for my family (mainly my grandmother who freaked out about it). I was called a he the other day and felt fine and somewhat surprised (family wasn't around this time). I've also never wanted to look like another girl, which is a common thing for girls my age apparently. But I've looked at a guy before and and thought "I wish I looked more like that guy". I've also started to grow out my arm and leg hair as an experiment to see how it feels. I've cried over thinking about this. I guess I feel like I've let my family and my mom down, even though she doesn't know of my questioning. And I don't know how she would react, but I have a feeling she would react positively. My grandmother wouldn't though. So should I see a gender therapist? If so how should I tell my mom? Is this just a phase that'll pass? Am I overreacting? Am I losing my mind? Also, I've already picked a new name if I am actually trans. Is that odd?
I'll start with the name thing, that's definitely not odd. I think people always imagine what their name would be if they were a male or vice versa. As for telling your mom, just be honest about it. If you do end up being trans or genderfluid or genderqueer, she'll find out anyone. If you tell her, I'd think based off of what you said about her, that she'd be open to helping you. Any thought like this is serious. Seeing a therapist is definitely a good idea. You definitely are not losing your mind, nor are you over reacting. Give it a little time though. Gender isn't an easy topic to think about, let alone try to figure out your own gender. Don't worry about other people though. Yes, I know it's inevitable, but it's about you and your happiness. Just think it through, but therapy would be a good idea. If you look up LGBT accepting therapists in your area you'll find a list and you can talk to your mom or even your grandma if you'd like. Good luck!
I think some people might say stuff like , your leaning towards the more masculine side, or your genderqueer or leaning towards masculine end or something like that, but I think you have to decide what your definition of gender is and how it works first. Like do you see gender for example as a socialy built thing or a big squiggleblob? I just try to do whatever I want and I'm basically just male all the time and don't worry about it. But the longer you wait the more laid back you'll be about it i think, and your head clearer and things. Time will tell. Also distract yourself and ignore thinking about it then come back to it.
