I spend a lot of my time going back and forth--should I come out, or stay in the closet? Should I pursue transition, or can I survive as I am? Is it worth all the trouble, or should I just suck it up? Is it actually all that important, or have I just convinced myself it is? I feel like I'm going crazy. I think what it comes down to is fear. If I weren't so scared of being disowned, or ostracized, or ridiculed (or assaulted or committed or murdered), I'm fairly certain I would jump feet first into transitioning. I would come out, and change my name and my pronouns, and get in line immediately for hormones and surgery (through all proper channels, naturally, and with due consideration of side effects and risk factors). I don't think I'm really even worried about regretting the transition, except the part where I would prefer not to be bald--but I constantly ask myself, "Is this the right path to take? I'm sure most people have similar fears before (and while) getting on the path to affirming their correct genders--so, to those who are on their way, how did you finally get over it and start moving forward? What was it like? How do you make that decision? Thanks, to anyone who responds.
I was able to move forward as I finally felt strong enough to deal with complete rejection from everyone I knew, from my family until the stranger that could try to beat me to a pulp 'cause I don't pass. Also, I hit a turning point where the only two options were not giving a fuck anymore, or giving it the first time in 20 years. Advice? Think only about yourself and what do you need to get your own hapiness.
It's hard to do that. I'm not sure I can just...ignore the way my family will feel in all this. Isn't their happiness just as important as mine? Edit: of course, if they are reasonable people, they will be happier if I am happy than if I am miserable or dead. Duh. And if they're not...then maybe they're not the kind of people I need or want in my life anyway. (Also, thanks for the response.)
