Being hired as "female", feels like I'm lying. Is this dysphoria?

So, I had a bit of a weird experience yesterday. I went in for an impromptu "interview" for a computer network technician job that I practically have in the bag. They said, quite plainly, that they need to hire female techs because their demographics look terrible and that they're very excited that I'm interested in the job. Now, I didn't know they were looking for females when I applied and having this come up at the interview was a bit of a shock. I smiled and laughed and put on my "I'm a super professional woman ready to kick ass at this job" interview face (I'm not "out" yet, though this was the first time I'd presented like a female in over a month). I am so excited to have this job, but their words left a very bad taste in my mouth and a lot of questions and uncomfortable feelings floating in my head.

Now, I need this job. Period. I'm currently working part-time with no benefits and no health insurance, barely making enough for rent/student loans/food. I dream of transitioning physically into a more male-presenting body some day, including top surgery and hormones, and my dysphoria is usually mild but can get pretty severe. But now, I feel like if I transition I'm going to be somehow betraying my employer, betraying the feminist movement (I'm all-for equal rights for women), and undermining the strength and ability of women in technology. I'm also really uncomfortable thinking that I'm being hired regardless of my skill level just because it looks good on paper to have "women" working for them.

My whole life, even before I knew I was trans, I feel like I've been fighting to break stereotypes against women; the first time I drove a car I parallel-parked an astro van perfectly, whenever I felt moody around "that time" I'd do my best to suppress my irrational side and act with dignity, I excelled at math and science in school, I was competitive at sports and video games and took pride in beating the boys. I've always wanted to be seen as an equal regardless of my genetalia/gender, and to be told I'm being given a "free pass" because I'm "female" makes my skin crawl.

But my main problem right now is that after the interview I started doubting my transition. I've only felt male or neutral about my gender, in waves, and any time I lived trying to be female I felt like a huge failure... like I just don't fit in... but I've always known I needed to change my body. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that my body is beautiful for a woman's body, but that doesn't feel good to me. When men say I'm hot or beautiful it feels painful. But since yesterday, I've felt like I needed to learn to accept my body the way it is, even if I'm male inside, and that I just haven't made enough of an effort to feel comfortable in my skin. I started feeling like I should be ashamed for wanting to change, or that I'm doing something unethical either psychologically or spiritually to want to take such violent action against my own flesh. I misgendered myself constantly after my interview, without feeling put off by it, and my boyfriend had to point it out to me. In retrospect, this makes me feel very confused...

Am I just being influenced by this job or am I not acknowledging a "female" part of my fluid gender? Am I trying, as I have in the past, to "chameleon" into an expected role to find acceptance or do I have such a bias against being female that I don't want to see the female parts of me? Are doubts I'd suppressed from my spirituality valid, or am I just scared of standing up for myself and transitioning and trying to make excuses? I admit, not being accepted by others is terrifying to me, and fighting against a wave of people who will see me as a freak sounds like hell on earth.

On one hand, I want more than anything to have a flat chest and more masculine features, but on the other hand I'm wondering if I'm crazy for wanting those things and I'd be doing something unnatural and harmful to myself for not accepting the skin I was born with.

Any advice would be appreciated. I know I've had moments like this before, to a lesser degree, and I'm starting to see a pattern. Is all of this confusion and fear and anxiety a form of dysphoria brought on by this situation, where I'm being forced into a position where accepting my birth gender makes survival easier? Is it possible for dysphoria to feel like doubt in your gender identity?

 

Wow, Yaeli, your post was very insightful. First, I want to say thank you for your reply. You mentioned a few things I'd never thought of that make a lot of sense. When the questions of whether I was trans or not first came up, I fought it down for a while. I wouldn't doubt there is still some disconnect going on, though it's hard to see it that way when it's happening. I grew up with no exposure to real trans people, so the image in my head was the one most movies like to portray of someone who's possibly mentally ill, even if they are a "likable" character. I like to think I'm open minded and not effected by that kind of social brainwashing, but then I get bouts of guilt and shame about being trans. This isn't the first time, and it probably won't be the last time, sadly.

It is absolutely true that I've been struggling to carve out my own identity after years of being a chameleon. I wonder how much of my willingness to conform to someone else's expectations effects me still. What you said about my interviewer being male having a strong influence on me is probably spot on. I can think of one example that seems to agree: my first boyfriend was atheist, and even though I had always felt spiritual I started absorbing everything he said. I became an atheist for many years. About a year ago, I started fighting to reconnect with the person I was supposed to become, and I learned that my spiritual side had been suppressed and I've been getting back in touch with it since. I still feel weird saying I'm "pagan" sometimes, because I know how my ex-boyfriend would have shamed me for it. It's a part of me I had to fight against myself to reclaim.

After reading this last night, I called my best friend and talked to her about it. You were spot on. I was running away from my dysphoria, and when it came out it hurt. I feel like such a subconscious coward. I like to handle my problems head on, and that I didn't even see that I was running from this is pretty mind-blowing and humbling.

Thank you again for taking the time to talk to me. I may not be getting any physical hugs today, but you've certainly given me some peace of mind.

(*hug*)

Time to find some comfort food and a nice movie to watch. It's silly, but dealing with my dysphoria now that it's apparent seems easier than dealing with the confusion of running from my dysphora. Oh, human minds... why are you so special?