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My Friend Just Told Me He's Having Thoughts About His Gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by HappyDino, Aug 1, 2015.

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  1. HappyDino

    HappyDino
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2015
    Messages:
    16
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    Location:
    Toledo OH
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hey, there.
    I came out to my friend as transgender about a month ago. Their reaction was what I expected, they were fine with it, and supportive. Recently, they invited me onto a server on minecraft. And I noticed they were presenting as a female. I present as a female online, even though my voice isn't trained enough to fit yet, so I didn't really say anything.

    After a while I asked them if they were having thoughts about their gender, and they responded with "don't dig deeper" in a cold voice. After a little while, they said they were having thoughts, but they wanted to keep it a secret. That reaction scared me a little, because I'm their closest friend, I didn't expect them to be so cold.

    For some reason, I feel even more stressed now than I did before with my normal dysphoria. I don't know how to react. I'm worried about how his parents would react, or how him coming out would affect me. I have irrational thoughts about them saying he was copying me, which I don't want.

    I don't know, I think I'm overthinking it. I feel really stressed right now, and can't think straight.

    How should I react? What should I do?
     
    #1 HappyDino, Aug 1, 2015
  2. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
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    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Don't worry about his parents yet. That's an obstacle you will both deal with when it comes to that point. At this point, it sounds like he doesn't even know if he's trans, so I doubt coming out will be on the table too soon.

    How would him coming out affect you? Let's talk that through a bit. What are the possible negative effects? What are the possible positive effects?

    If people think he's copying you, that'll suck for both of you, but it just means you will have to help defend him. Both you and he know he's not copying you (it's common for people to realize their trans after someone they know comes out and gets them thinking about their own gender, but it's rare for cis people to pretend to be trans just for attention/fun/whatever; it's dangerous and stressful to come out as trans; it's not something you do unless you're sure). It's just a matter of making other people believe that too.

    Give him his space. Make sure he knows that he can talk to you about it whenever he's comfortable, and then back off. He's clearly not ready to talk about it right now. Don't take it personally.
     
    #2 darkcomesoon, Aug 2, 2015
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