Am I really TG but society has scared me out of it???

I have posted this in the Orientation area but I did not get anybody to post similar eperiences, so I am reposting here, and maybe someone will share similarities...
Hi,

I have been really struggling for years, now, and I am very confused. I wonder if there are others in my situation.

My problem is that I feel comfortable with girls, I feel safe with girls, dating a girl has always felt normal and right, but the bedroom part has always been problematic...

When I was a pre-teen, and teenager, I got exposed to smut magazines and I did not understand them... I found some of the girls in the pictures good looking but I could not get myself to want to pleasure myself like the other boys who gave me the magazines did. I did not feel like "doing" those girls and, more importantly, I did not have that specific "physical reaction" that leads to sex or masturbation, no arousal whatsoever, in other words.

I had been cross-dressing for fun since early childhood secretly because my mom was very disparaging towards my choosing playmates who were girls or engaging in what society usually defines as girl activities, like playing dress up, sing, paint nails, etc.

As I became a teen ager, and I noticed I was not aroused by naked women I became scared to death of being gay. Gay people were ridiculed by my parents, my older brother often told me I was gay while pointing out my lack of courage or non standard behavior, etc. and that would hurt my feelings. He would also make fun of my small genitals.

My peers would make fun of gay people, threaten them and beat them up, gay people in their eyes were just like women: "objects" to "bang", use and despise, consider inferior, in fact gays were much lower on the totem pole than girls. I liked girls, though and as I pre-teen I was a bit intimidated by boys, especially older boys and would love hanging around with girls.

There were boys I kind of liked being in the company of, though, they were usually strong and/or older and I would feel kind of protected in their company. Of course they would all seem to get girlfriends and they would prefer spending time with them, especially if sex was involved, which would hurt my feelings.

Then one day I was exposed to smut magazines where there were not only naked women but both men and women, and also men and men, or men and trans-women, plus there were erotic stories narrated by women who would enjoy sex with men: well I still remember the picture of this feminine looking guy, wearing a women's top in the act of giving oral sex to this other guy... I felt something moving inside me, like definite arousal and shame, but mostly identification with the feminine guy pleasuring the other guy... Then I noticed I really enjoyed the erotic stories narrated by women who enjoyed sex with men. A lot. I would really get aroused, I identified with the woman, but I thought it was normal.

All the times I chanced upon a smut magazine which was not often, I would get to be awed by how beautiful certain women and their hair, makeup and styles were, but I could not find their genitals attractive, no matter how much I tried. Somehow I would always seek out the guys or the gay scenes or the trans scenes... I was so scared of being gay, I was mortified. I would seek out gay scenes with guys I found really ugly in order to prove to myself I was not gay.

Then one day when I was 15, I discovered sexual pleasure: while dressed like a girl, I thought about the women in the magazines being penetrated by men and I somehow inserted a cucumber in a certain spot. I felt like I was in Heaven. I really imagined a man doing that and I felt wonderful, the sexual excitement and pleasure was incredible. Afterwards I felt horrible and I was afraid of being gay. I tried again to imagine ugly guys I knew rape me in order to feel repulsion and prove to myself I was not gay.

Well, in the years to follow pleasuring myself anally whether or not while cross dressing, became my number one source of sexual pleasure, but I was still horrified at the idea of being gay. Plus I would have orgasmic dreams where I was with a guy, sometimes I was a guy in my dreams and sometimes I was a woman, but I was always passive. Sometimes I was with a woman in my dreams but after a while she would have a penis a penetrate me.

Then I discovered the term autogynephillia, i.e. straight guys who enjoy seeing themselves as women... I thought I was it: "I liked fantasizing about men and penetrate myself because I wanted to imagine I was a woman", and, according to literature, I was neither transsexual nor gay. I felt very relieved. I never thought about being gay or transsexual for a long time and thought I was a normal hetero guy with a fetish, so to speak.

I started dating a girl who fell greatly in love with me, she would tell me she found the perfect guy in me, so attentive, so nice, so sensitive, who would buy her plush animals, love go shopping with her and stuff. We were in love and we were going steady. It felt great to have a steady girlfriend, go out with other couples, etc. The bedroom was OK I would love to pleasure her orally, most of the time thinking she was a guy.

Then I slowly got her to pleasure me with a toy, and that was pretty much the only way we would have sex ever after... I was very private about it because I was afraid of being gay. Then I told her I was a cross dresser and enjoyed fantasizing being the woman with a man in the bedroom. She "worked" with me for some time but eventually wanted to leave because she said she needed a man... She was struggling with her feelings and felt guilty so I made it easy for her and broke it up first.

Years went by and things stayed the same: felt comfortable with women and wanted to date women, which I found beautiful but it was hard in the bedroom because I never stopped liking being passive and never got to learn how to enjoy to use my penis to pleasure women. I knew what to do to pleasure women and reportedly did a very good job at it but I never enjoyed it.

Then I thought maybe I was a transsexual who was a lesbian, and so I would have fantasies where I was a woman with a woman and also a man: I would really enjoy the man in the relationship, but I felt very good and safe about having the woman there. Then again I remembered autogynephillia and how autogynephilacs are not really transgender, so I would let it be

I flirted with men, got courted by men, got very close to starting sex with men but I always pulled out at the very last minute. Then I would regret not gong for it and I would fantasize about it. I would have online relationship with men and I would greatly enjoy having cybersex with them. I loved being their "girlfriend"...

My problem, to get to the point, is that in real life I have never really met a guy I have so most definitely fallen for, in a way that I could get over all my problems and preconceptions. I have met a couple of guys I found attractive, but most guys leave me cold and some repulse me. Only this one time I had met online this gay guy who was a couple of years older than me. He was not ugly, kind of cute, and I connected well. Alas, I called off our first real life get together at the very last minute.

Of course I have also never met a girl who made me totally lose it. To top it off, sexually, I want to be passive with a man. I want to be his girlfriend. I like male genitals a lot and I like strong shoulders and arms, I love a guy who is taller than me. Yet, I don't like very hairy men or men who are not clean and well taken care of, which leads me to believe I may not really like guys that much.

So, is there anybody else who feels this way? Could I be TG but listened to society that told me that I am just gay?

 

Well, I must tell you that I feel very comfortable as a woman, I just feel female inside. it is hard or m to shed light on it, it is just the way I feel. Being a man is weird, totally weird. I just don"t want to be some woman's husband, I want to be some man's wife. Does it make it sense?