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Please help! I'm just going around in circles (Questioning gender)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by jenben, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. jenben

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    I've been questioning my gender for a little while now, it just wasn't really something that I particularly thought about or questioned until more recently in my life as I started to learn more about it. And I've begun to find myself going back and forth in my mind on things and doubting myself. It's at the point where I just don't trust my own judgement any more and I keep worrying that I'm just over analysing things.

    I'm going to list a few different thoughts/feelings I had before I started questioning, that just spring to mind and I really want opinions on whether you think a cisgender person might have these sorts of thoughts/feelings (i.e. as a part of being generally curious or w/e) or not. Because I feel like my mind has just been going around on the same loop for a while and to progress any further in whatever way, I need to break out of this loop of thought, if that makes sense.

    • Getting irritated/offended at the suggestion of a girly day out (also a feeling that it would threaten my masculinity)
    • Getting a particular enjoyment out of activities that might typically be thought of as 'manly', e.g. diy, heavy lifting type jobs (obviously these are things that women do as well. What I mean is that in general people seem to associate them more with men), because it made me feel more masculine/manly.
    • Being envious of a character with the ability to completely switch their biological sex at will / frustrated that such a thing is only fiction
    • Somehow finding out about the idea of clitoris enlargement and becoming obsessed with the idea, on the off chance that it could somewhat alleviate the frustration mentioned in the previous point. (And coming very close to buying some sort of cream/gel, for that purpose, from a foreign website, before realising that that's probably a bad idea and dropping the idea)

    I've also, for a long time, felt as if I was just acting out a role and trying to act how I felt other people wanted / expected me to be, to the point where I just started to feel as if I didn't even know who I was any more. Additionally, for a very long time, (possibly since being a child, although I'm unsure exactly when I started feeling it, because since it's an uncomfortable feeling it's the sort of thing I would've always tried to just put to the back of my mind and not think about), I've felt strange seeing my reflection or looking at pictures of myself, like although I know that it's me, it's almost like looking at a stranger. In my teens I mostly blamed it on low self esteem and tried different things (e.g. different clothing styles, make-up, getting contacts instead of glasses), but I don't think anything ever really seemed to work and it's like I could never seem to really place my finger on what exactly it was that I disliked so much. This is also something that has definitely continued to feel worse over time, to the point now of pretty much constant 'depersonalisation/derealisation' type feelings. I now tend to avoid looking at pictures of myself or at myself in the mirror, as much as possible, because it's too weird and uncomfortable of a feeling. I don't know if these feelings are connected, but felt it was worth mentioning. (My initial thought on the more recent escalation in these feelings was that it could be connected to my depression, which in itself is something I always solely attributed to traumatic life events).

    Anyway, any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. Posthuman666

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    You could be a non cis gender person. But only you can tell. It can be a long and painful process, but necessary.

    Good luck on your journey of self discovery (*hug*)
     
  3. jenben

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    That doesn't really help particularly, but thanks anyway for the encouragement :slight_smile:

    I sometimes feel like maybe I'm getting somewhere in my questioning, but then I keep getting dragged back by all these thoughts and doubts about stuff. I just think there's some things in my head I need to put a rest to before I can move forward at all. Which is why it would really help me out if anyone could give some opinions on this.
     
  4. Posthuman666

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    Sorry, that could of be worded way better.

    Look into being trans, in your case ftm. Look into non-binary genders like genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, agender, and more. There are so many genders out there, and there are a lot you could be.

    When you said you envy characters being able to switch genders at will, may sound like you could be genderfluid, where your gender can change between male, female, and other genders. Really, the best thing you can do, is research a bunch of gender identities and seeing which one you really resonate with.
     
  5. jenben

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    That's what I have been doing, since, idk around September/October last year. (Trust me I think I've researched practically every gender identity under the sun). I've recently started to think I might actually be getting somewhere with it and I might have figured out what might fit but there's still all these doubts that keep me from moving any further forward from the point I'm at now.

    I thought some opinions on these things mentioned in the post might help me move past those doubts, which is why I was more specifically focusing on that stuff, because I really don't think I'm able to move any further without clearing this up in my head first and I need other opinions on it to do so.
     
    #5 jenben, Aug 4, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2015
  6. HunterInPlaid

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    I know exactly how that feels. The thing is I think those doubts are a part of finding your gender identity and coming out to yourself, you've been the gender you were assigned at birth your entire life and questioning that can kind of feel like your overreacting. We're not overreacting.

    To me, it sounds like you definitely don't identify with a cis female, if you think there's an identity or a few identities that potentially fit you. Try privately referring to yourself as them; you might just be used to thinking of yourself as cis female but that doesn't mean you are cis. Unfortunately, I don't know you - even if I did - I am not actually you either, so I can't tell you what gender you are, only my thoughts. (If you have found a gender that you feel fits you, hopefully you'll start to deal with these doubts and work towards being confident in your identity. My doubts made me feel like I was in a cycle too, but then I realised the only reason I wasn't getting anywhere was because I was too hung up on doubts that, to me - in the end, had very little reason in them). But again, I'm not you, these doubts might be founded, it's whatever feels right to you. Good luck, I hope things get less confusing.
     
  7. jenben

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    I think you're probably right.

    I keep feeling like maybe I'm just over-reacting or over-analysing things and I guess it sort of becomes like this vicious circle of doubt.

    Also I think maybe I have had thoughts about gender for a little while, before I really started to question it. But everything I knew about transgender back then was stories about children who'd always known they wanted to be the opposite gender ever since they were a little child. But for me while I might not have been the girly-est girl or anything, there was certainly never any feelings about it that I was consciously aware of, so I always assumed I couldn't be trans. It wasn't until I started to learn a bit more about it and the idea of non-binary gender identities that I began to actually question it.

    Plus I do have a track record for denying/suppressing uncomfortable or unwanted feelings. Pretty much my go-to coping method in life has always been to ignore the problem/feeling in the hope that it'll eventually fix itself, which never works, but apparently I also never learn.

    I've been trying to do that a bit. I think maybe I'm gradually working closer to that answer, just those doubts keep coming in and slowing things down.

    Your thoughts and advice are really helpful. Thank you :slight_smile: