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It's not a mental disorder right ?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Blazer97, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. Blazer97

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi i'm 18 this year. When i was below 12, i've imagined myself growing into a man in the future. I mean, i was pretty gullible when i thought of it, i forgot that i'm a female. I dislike blouses and dresses, usually i just wore t-shirt and jeans. But i had a ponytail when i was 11 and 12.

    When i hit puberty at the age of 14 (growing breasts and stuff) I got really devastated realizing that i'm growing into a WOMAN and not a MAN. So eventually i found a way to bind my breasts but I can't do anything about my wider-than-guys hips. I'd feel satisfied and confident being flat-chested. I cut my hair and dress like a guy whenever i go out. Everyone sees me as a "tomboy". Mum was really against it and things got really bad. My tomboy-ish trait was seen as an act of rebellion. I feel insecure and frustrated every time she try to push it so i ended up being rude.

    At the age of 16, mum stopped questioning me or pushing me. So things were fine. BUT NOW, I'm 18. AND SHE'S BACK. I thought she has accepted the way I am. Now i just discovered she was hoping it's just a phase. She asked " Do u see girls dressing like boys? Or boys dressing like girls? U're 18 already u should dress like a lady. Don't you feel abnormal? Why are u dressing like that? Do you wanna be a boy? I have 2 sons already. " Now i'm able to put on a mask i just denied feeling abnormal (cuz i'm perfectly comfortable dressing like a boy) and smiled and laughed her questions away. Thing is, I can't and i will never dress like a girl. It feels weird being addressed a "girl" or a "lady".

    All along i've work out hard to be more masculine. Bind my breasts. Wear like a guy. In fact i'm flattered when a waiter addressed me a " Mr" a few days ago. BUT, i'm not sure if i'm okay with having a penis? I hate my female body and i want to have a male body (but i'm still not sure of the sex part). I like hanging out with the guys it makes me feel like i'm one of them. I even thought of taking hormone pills to be more masculine overall (obvious jawline, stronger bone structure, wider shoulders? deeper voice) But I'm not thinking of transitioning. I'm just confused. What does that makes me ?

    I feel bad for my mum. I know she wants a perfect daughter cuz she only has one and i cant fulfill that. I can't change. Sometimes i wonder what does it feels like to be straight and cisgender. Her recent outbursts and interrogations are pressuring me so much. I was on the way to accepting who I am and now she keeps reminding me that i'm "abnormal" or having a "mental disorder".
     
    #1 Blazer97, Aug 5, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015
  2. Leifa

    Regular Member

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    It's not a mental disorder. It's just who you are.

    Okay. So you do as much or as little as you need for yourself. You're bone structure won't change with hormones, unfortunately. You're body fat would redistribute. So you're hips etc would change, you'd possibly grow more hair on your body and face depending on genetics. You're voice may deepen a little but if you want a deeper voice I'd recommend vocal exercises. And just fyi, you don't have to have surgery if you don't want to! So if you don't want a penis, well don't get one.

    Bottom line is every one is different. You live how it makes you happy. :slight_smile: I'd recommend trying to see a gender therapist if you can, I think that would help you out alot and they can give you way better advice on how to proceed if that's what you wanna do.