I've noticed a minor trend with trans people writing letters to their past selves, typically them as kids or teenagers when they were struggling. Maybe we can do something like this as a way to heal and move forward. Be it a full on letter or novel, or even a simple note; drop something below that you'd tell your past self if you could.
Dear 13 Year Old Me, First off, you should really stop trying so hard to impress your father. You're going to learn soon that his views of the world are much different than what you believe in your heart to be true. Impress yourself instead. Second, don't be afraid to try new things. That's how you learn. Most of the things you were taught were wrong will actually come naturally to you. Embrace it. Don't run away from your feelings. Learn how to experience them without having your fear of them tear you apart. Find friends who love you unconditionally. Be good to them; cry when they cry, laugh when they laugh, and always fight for them when the need arises. When someone in your life is toxic to your well-being, it's time to let them go and move on. In the long run, the pain of saying goodbye causes much less harm than keeping them in your life. In that moment when you do finally find yourself, it will come like a slap in the face, but please don't lose hope. You are not shameful or wrong. This fear and pain is just temporary. Everything will be fine. You are more than strong enough to handle what is coming next. I believe in you. Spoiler alert: you make it through this and it ends up better than you ever thought it could. Trust yourself. You are so much stronger than you think you are. Love, 17 Year Old Me
Ok so, here's mine. I know it's a bit long and it probably could do with being longer but, whatever... Spoiler Dear 11 year old self, Hey just a bit of a warning to you, you're going to go through a lot in the next decade or so. Still, I know you can and will make it through. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Seriously though, we got a lot to talk about. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF, you were NOT put on this planet for other people's amusement or whatever the hell they had in mind. That creepy guy that's going to follow you around the bookstore? Kick him in the balls and drag his ass up to the register and explain what happened. That guy is a repeat offender that has been harassing the employees for more than two years without being caught and no, that bookstore has no cameras. You'd kind of think that a place like that would have cameras(like all the other stores of that chain do) but they don't because they suck. Listen, I know that you have absolutely zero sense as to what the LGBT community is and upon reading this you may be scratching your head and wondering what the heck LGBT means. That's okay though, in time, you'll meet many great people that help you put that together. Mum was just worried about how the LGBT community may effect you and tried to keep you away from all that but really the joke's on her at this point. For years now, before you went to sleep, you'd imagine how great everything would be if you were a boy. You'd plead with whatever imaginary figure that's out there and hope they would turn you into a boy, only to wake up and still be stuck as a girl. You'd want to go shopping for clothes in the boy's section of the store while your mum would try to steer you towards the girl's section because the boy's section had all the clothes you could ever want(you never really had a big selection of clothes in the first place). Don't let go of that, don't shut it down because of how many times you were told that feeling that way was wrong. It is a part of you and it's as valid as any other feelings you may have. Don't ignore that part of you, as confusing as it may be for you right now, you simply are who you are. When you're a little older, don't start wearing those stupid hip riding(or whatever they are called) jeans mum keeps wanting you to wear, they are highly uncomfortable and look stupid on you(not to mention, you'll start feeling miserable in them when you start doing any sort of physical labour). For the love of god, keep your Tripp pants. People may view them as tacky or stupid but you are going to feel great in those pants because they were the only pairs of men's pants that mum will let you keep at the time(hell, even these days she still tries to control what I wear sometimes). Also, they're expensive but they lasted longer than any of their new stuff these days. Anywho, about all this hoping you're going to be a boy stuff. There are ways to be able to become a guy, in a sense(and no, you won't magically grow a penis or anything). Hormone replacement therapy, etc. I honestly can't recall what the laws and regulations for being transgender were in those days but I'm sure you can find a way around them. If you're wondering, I'm currently trying to get my transition approved of right now(something I wish I started when I was your age) and it's a bit of a line ride right now(all the waiting, just ugh). I know that the internet is rather new right now to you and you may not find any information on the subject right now(or you might, try looking it up), try talking to your current psychologist about your feelings(I know she isn't very good but just try to manage). She may be able to help you out, I honestly don't know whether she actually will or not but it's worth a try. Know that in the near future, you're going to start moving around the country a lot due to mum finishing her schooling and going into residency and given your state of shyness, it'll be hard to make friends. You'll always be the new kid, the loner, your brother may have a better time at making friends but please, don't follow in his footsteps in those regards. Just know this, you're going to have a great time in Cali when you move there. Stand up for your German teacher, he's a great guy and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that by his own students. You might be struggling in school right now and that's a mutli-level issue, try to work it out with your psychologist right now, be honest with her instead of avoiding the issue. I know that all she does is ask you questions and it can be annoying but you never know, give it a go. Do better in school and don't let those words grandma always told you to control your life. You deserve to have a good career and deserve to go to a good college/university after high school. Whenever a teacher praises you for your good work, hold onto that, don't sabotage your own success by doing poorly, it'll bite you in the butt later on. You belong in honours but you put yourself in the class where people are struggling to keep up(good work on that by the way). You might want to become a veterinarian right now and you're not far from the truth, keep trying to work in the sciences, you'll enjoy it far better than anything else you've got on your schedule. You may have a lot of fears right now but I know you can work through them. You're stronger than you think you are. Just some words of advice, keep practicing drawing, you'll enjoy it a lot more as you grow up(you might not improve as much as you may have wanted but that's the whole reason behind practice). Don't give up on the clarinet either, it's good for your lungs and you breath a whole lot better after playing a few times. You might not be as good as you want to be right now but you'll get better at it as you get older. Start lifting weights or something, or maybe try getting mum to sign you up for karate classes, you won't regret it and your future self will be better because of it(I still have yet to get into karate even though I really want to). Look, your body is going to start going through some changes you might not want it to do, you're going to have some serious "What the fuck" moments but try to build a more open relationship with mum, she's going to be a doctor, she helps people. Try to be honest with her, maybe talk to her about the feelings you've had about wanting to be a boy. Sure she may not be open to it at first, she will probably tell you to ignore these feelings but these things take time and one thing you're going to have to learn on improving is patience. Again, don't shut down these feelings you have. They are valid feelings and instead of putting them under the rug, you should just run with it. Remember how great you felt when you had short hair last? Remember how great you felt when people would "accidentally" call you a boy? Don't let go of that, don't let other people run your life for you. I know that you might feel like crap right now but that doesn't mean you should give up on yourself like what you're doing now. Keep trying to be yourself. Just a bit of a warning, you may have a certain time where you begin to act like a little shit, try to avoid that, think about something before you do it. Regards, Future 24 year old self P.S. learn to stand up for yourself, not many other people will give a damn about you so don't go expecting others to defend you for you. P.P.S. Just because the family has a long history of joining and serving in the military doesn't mean you should too. You shouldn't let others control your life like that, you'll be much better off in the sciences. P.P.P.S. Stay away from eating so much Nutella and chocolate cake, I know it's tasty but it'll all go to your hips, dear. Try to not eat so much junk food in general, your chubby future self will be better off without having such habits. The weight has been pretty hard to lose.
I don't have anything to write to my past self. However, as I am gender fluid, and I tend to have a hard time relating between genders (when I'm andro, for instance, I tend to believe that I'm not fluid just genderqueer. When I feel male, I think I've just been pretending to be trans.) So I started writing letters to myself to help me understand how I feel at those times. It helps a lot.
Dear 16 year old me Stay. Single. Your path to self awareness will be short. Just wait. Just be with yourself. Learn who yu are and what is in your heart. Don't ever stop meditating and if somebody makes you feel awful then live in that. Accept that their opinion doesn't matter and that you are always valuable. Nobody can or will be able to define you but yourself. Life is hard but there is no reason not to take some stress off yourself when you're able. ask for help. Keep being giving no matter what anyone says. A well trained mind can navigate life with compassion. A distracted one, even by love, can fall into negative thoughts. There is no such thing as being Weak in the way you see it. People are human and they do what they imagine will keep them going because they are resilient. They literally survive everything it is possible to live through. That doesn't make them happy and it doesn't force them to learn. Don't be them. Just take the boat across the river and reach your enlightenment asap. The current is not leading you to a destination. Love for all is pure. Love for some is Just normal. That gut feeling you get? That tiny "this hurts my feelings a little but not quite enough to make me act" feeling you get in your upper gut/lower chest is your intuition. If it says not to do something then just try to be at peace with its decisions. And stop trying to kill yourself. It's ultimately not going to be worth it in the long run. Even if things go bad it's still better to be alive. Even while it's bad. Feeling yourself start to die is worse than you can conceptualize. One could argue that there's a good reason for that. Oh. And read a dsm handbook. Front to back. Be open minded. It might not matter what illness you have but knowing your obstacles helps a ton. Stay vegetarian. It makes you happier. Wear the cute earrings. They are are part of your personality. Be kind. NEVER EVER try to get someone to do something. Their choices are sacred. That includes yelling, touching, or logically arguing your point. They will hear you when they want to. And just. Think about whose feelings you're going to hurt. You're valuable to lots of people. You don't think your male body is your personality, but people find you attractive. They become attached to you and they gt hurt when you flirt with them. Don't let anyone think that they are the most valuable to you unless they also know that everyone else on earth has just as much value as them. And again. If it feels not right then it isn't. Don't ever in a million years forget that your body knows what's good and bad. Listen. ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2015 at 12:21 PM ---------- Like that? *looking back on life can be painful*
Dear Young Me You're going to go through a lot of hardships that seem impossible to ever overcome. You are going to feel broken and worthless. It gets better, just keep that in your mind during everything. After reflection of everything I went through in my our life I realized it was possibly for the best. Your teenage years and early adulthood shape you into who you're going to become. I could warn you of things but that wouldn't be proper, you go through all of that pain for a reason and let me tell you the outcome is sure worth it. One day you'll blossom into the person you really are, I have decided to omit direct "spoilers" as I think we needed to go through what we went through, even if it wasn't deserved. There isn't much more I can say other than don't be afraid to explore your feelings no matter what feelings those are and always keep your chin up because you're worth more than people will let you believe. P.S. try to keep your hair as long as possible. Trust me, it'll be worth it one day.
Dear young me Some tips: Talk. It's ok to tell people when they are bothering you or if you feel down. No one can help you if you hide it effectively, and hiding it won't make it go away. If you feel depressed, tell some one and get treated. It is not a fun way to live and it gets harder to deal with the longer you are in that hole. There isn't anything wrong with you, but you should enjoy life. Insomnia, anxiety, and ocd can be helped too, and again, the earlier you start the easier it will be. If you feel different from everyone around you,that's fine. Again there is nothing wrong with you, you just may be a little different. It may help to look information about how you feel on the Internet because you aren't the only one. I know computers are scary, but they can also be useful. You don't have to do something if it feels wrong. Wear what you like, even if the people around you don't like it if it is what makes you comfortable. What's cool doesn't matter, but I think you already know that. And remember - talk about what you are feeling and dealing with with someone you trust. No can help you if they don't know you need it. Just do the best you can. Life will work out. Good luck
I don't think there is anything I would tell me. I went through some hard shiy but that is all apart of growing up and discovering myself. Past can't be changed and I choose not focus on the "if I could tell past me something to help future me". But I will say to the me in the future that I hope HE is happier than she is now.
Dear me a year ago... Dont do it. Don't take those pills, don't try to kill yourself any other way either. Its only going to make things worse. Put down the blade and focus on the positives.
Dear Past Self, Wear your &$@#!% bicycle helmet. Every Time. Nasty things will happen if you don't. (Trust me, I'm your future self, I know.) Don't wear contact lenses, ever. They're going to invent laser surgery to fix your eyes, and you're not going to be able to get it if you ruin them with contacts. Also, if you ever wake up and find an eye stuck shut, don't force yourself to open it; you can damage your cornea. Go see a shrink. The way you feel is not normal. It may take some shopping around to find therapy and/or medication that work for you, but until you do, you're simply not going to be able to come close to reaching to your potential. Don't drink soda. It's ridiculously bad for you, and habit-forming besides. Plus, the acid will literally eat the enamel off your teeth. Don't be afraid to take out loans for university. Paying for it all yourself sounds great on paper, but all that time you're working is time you're not studying, making friends, doing undergrad research, finding a mentor, ... Do make sure you get hands-on experience relevant to your studies. If you don't have a project of your own that sings to you, help someone else with theirs. Build a portfolio. A diploma by itself doesn't mean that much, especially in a technical or applied subject. Take more math classes, and spend more time studying for them. REALLY studying. You're going to like it more than you think, and the later you start, the harder it will be to catch up with all those kids who've always known they loved it. Never wait to start the final project for a class until the night before it's due, no matter how easy every other project has been. If you're in a relationship with one person, and you're thinking of sleeping with someone else, talk that through in detail BEFORE you do it, especially if the person you're in a relationship with seems not to want to talk about it. If either of the people in a relationship is lukewarm about it, move on. Don't date people, sleep with them, move in with them, or marry them just because they asked nicely and you don't really mind. Everybody will be happier in the long run if you just say no upfront. If someone is abusive, move on YESTERDAY. Same thing if they're dishonest or excessively secretive. It's just bad news. Even if the other person is great, don't be afraid to move on if you want different things in life. Again, this is often better for both of you in the long run, however much it hurts in the moment. Your hair isn't frizzy; it's naturally curly. Stop brushing it when it's dry, and it will look a thousand times better. Go to a salon and talk to somebody. While you're there, get your eyebrows done. They'll be much easier to maintain on your own afterward. If everyone is breaking a rule, don't be the only one who confesses. Be the only one to follow it if you want, but don't confess alone. No one will benefit, no one will change their ways. You'll just be punished. Alone. People don't read you as queer. Get a button or something. Find an LGBT group on campus. Wear your button to the meeting. Talk to girls while wearing it. Good luck!
Dear younger me, Stop being such a little shit, you stupid dumbfuck. I always loved you and it pisses me off when you say I don't. I know it's hard, but we'll be fine. We always had been and always will be.
