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Old 6th Aug 2015, 03:45 PM   #1
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Confused! Bigender? Ftm? Dysphoria?

I apologise in advance for the wall of text. And thank you if you read it all!

I've been questioning my gender for a little while now and I have a lot of developing thoughts and questions and things.

As a young child I didn't really have any issue with gender. At least not that I was concious of or that I can remember. I knew there were boys and girls and since I had a vagina that meant I was a girl. I suppose I never really saw any reason to question it back then. I wasn't the girlyest girl, but I wasn't especially tomboyish either. I had friends who were girls and friends who were boys. I guess gender just didn't seem like that big of a deal back then.

Things started to change more as a teenager going through puberty. I'd always been shy, but as the years went on I just became increasingly socially awkward and uncomfortable and my self-esteem plummeted. I wanted to fit in and be popular, so I tried wearing make up and emulating different clothing styles because I thought people would like me better that way. But I always hated spending time putting make up on, it seemed like a waste of time to me and it seemed no matter what clothes I put on I never felt like I looked right. I remember one specific occasion in particular when I went out shopping, wearing this outfit that looked really good, I looked attractive and pretty and fashionable. But the whole time I was out I felt like I was pretending to be someone else. It felt so fake, just like everything else. Even though I knew it was probably the most 'attractive' I'd ever looked (to this day my granny still occasionally brings up how she thought it really suited me and I should dress like that more often, even though it was years years ago), I never wore it again.

I've always kind of had an issue with how I looked. I've always felt a bit strange seeing myself in pictures or in the mirror, like I didn't really know why but I felt like I didn't look right. Like even though I recognised it was me, it felt kind of like I was looking at a stranger and it was something that definitely got progressively worse throughout being a teenager. Generally nowadays I just avoid looking at myself all together, especially full length mirrors. It's like seeing myself like that is just this massive reminder of how what everyone else sees when they look at me is just nothing like how I feel I look in my head. It's just all wrong somehow.

I've also often felt weirdly disconnected from myself, sort of as if my mind was just planted into this body and it's not really mine.

I never really associated those feelings with gender, but once I started questioning I began to think maybe it could be the reason behind them.

In terms of dysphoria around my body I think it kind of varies and generally it's not extreme.

When I'm on my own I'm usually not bothered much about my breasts, they're kind of just there, although I do like how I look flat-chested. But when I go out or am around people I'll often feel very concious of them and that people will look at me and see a girl.

I'd say hips are probably the worst though. I have quite wide hips and I hate them. I've had a lot of comments/compliments from girls I know, saying that they're envious of my figure and want to have bigger hips like mine and it's always made me so uncomfortable. Like I used to try and be happy or grateful for the compliment, but really it would just make me want to be able to swap for the other girl's narrower hips. It makes me feel hopeless as well, because while I could wear a binder to flatten my breasts or change my hairstyle or do whatever else to change my appearance, there's nothing I can really do about my hips, because it's how the bone is structured. And it frustrates me because it makes me feel I could never pass as a guy.

I don't think I really have much dysphoria about my genitals. I mean I could definitely quite happily live without a vagina/uterus. It's not like they do anything useful; just cause me annoyance and discomfort by bleeding for a few days every month. I did try stimulating the vagina by putting things in when I first started masturbating, but it just felt a bit weird and mildly uncomfortable so I didn't bother with it any more and stuck to the clitoris, which is probably the one bit of my genitals that I actually like. (So the only bit of my genitals I have any interest in apparently is the part that would have developed into a penis if I'd had XY chromosomes instead of XX, go figure)

I've also sometimes had these odd urges, like if I saw a fleshlight or something like that, I'd really want to use it. Like I wanted to put my penis in it, but obviously I don't have one, so it just seemed kind of strange. I always kind of labelled it and various other thoughts/feelings (like thinking about sex changes and wondering if I'd ever want one, wishing I could at least try having a male body somehow even just temporarily to see if I'd like it better etc.) as just a weird curiosity. It's kind of struck me as something that seems odd for someone to think if they're cisgendered.

I've started to think maybe I could be bigender, because I don't think I'm completely not female. Like I still feel some sort of connection to 'femaleness' although I feel like the maleness in me is generally more dominant. I'm not a hundred percent sure though. I've always been kind of afraid of change and the idea of transitioning (having to tell people, go see professionals etc.) is terrifying to me. It's like a part of me wants to stay depressed and sad just because it's what I'm used to. So I don't know if I'm just clinging to the 'femaleness' for that reason.

I don't know, maybe I can just go with bigender for now, since it seems like the closest fit at the moment and I can always change my mind later on as I keep questioning. I mean it took going through a few different labels over time with my sexuality, before I actually realised I was asexual.

I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. If you think I could be bigender or something else? Or if anyone has had similar experiences or anything?
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 04:35 PM   #2
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Re: Confused! Bigender? Ftm? Dysphoria?

You and me are very similar in a lot of ways. And I do mean a lot, reading your story reminded me a lot of mine own.

I've seen a lot of people on here and other forums who started by saying they were bi-gender, gender fluid, a gender and only after transitioning did they realize they were FtM. They always felt connected to a part of that 'fenaleness' which makes sense. We have spent our lives as females, we can relate to them in the way webhave been addressed and treated, we relate by once having boobs and period (and for the sake of trans men everywhere I will say men can have periods and a vagina too! )

If bigender is what you feel you are then claim it, but know its okay to identify with another label later on. In the end you are the only one who can decide who and what you are.

Like you I find transitioning scary as shit, from having to tall to professionals to all the medical things, sticking myself to a needle to surgeries. And then factor in how jobs are hard to find for trans people, and health care concerns, not to mention people's negative and often violent response to us. Its a very important thing to think about all this and weigh wither you think transition is right for you are not. You don't have to transition to be trans.
For me, one day I know I will transition if only to silence the noise in my head that loud blares "I want to be male" even though I don't always feel like one. Kind of one of those 'what has been seen can not be unseen' things going on.

Though question: Wearing attractive female clothes makes you feel like you are faking, have you tried male clothing? Cut you hair and style it in a male fashion? I found when I did this the me in the mirror is more me, from the neck up anyway.

And, yes, hip structure has a lot to do with the skeletal structure, our hip bones are shaped differently from that of cis-males, but you'd also be surprise how much of it is still body fat.
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 06:47 PM   #3
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Re: Confused! Bigender? Ftm? Dysphoria?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadutiMorte View Post
I've seen a lot of people on here and other forums who started by saying they were bi-gender, gender fluid, a gender and only after transitioning did they realize they were FtM. They always felt connected to a part of that 'fenaleness' which makes sense. We have spent our lives as females, we can relate to them in the way webhave been addressed and treated, we relate by once having boobs and period (and for the sake of trans men everywhere I will say men can have periods and a vagina too! )
I hadn't thought of it like that before, but it makes sense. I've spent my entire life so far living as a female, so I'll probably always feel some connection to it. And I'll always empathise more with women, than the majority of cis men would, but it doesn't mean I am a woman.

I definitely don't feel like I'm a woman, regardless of any connection to 'femaleness' I might have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadutiMorte View Post
Like you I find transitioning scary as shit, from having to tall to professionals to all the medical things, sticking myself to a needle to surgeries. And then factor in how jobs are hard to find for trans people, and health care concerns, not to mention people's negative and often violent response to us. Its a very important thing to think about all this and weigh wither you think transition is right for you are not. You don't have to transition to be trans.
For me, one day I know I will transition if only to silence the noise in my head that loud blares "I want to be male" even though I don't always feel like one. Kind of one of those 'what has been seen can not be unseen' things going on.
The whole thing terrifies me, but at the same time I do think I might transition in some way in the future. And I definitely get the kind of 'what has been seen can not be unseen' thing. When I started questioning it felt like I'd opened pandora's box or something. Like I'd let out all these feelings and thoughts that I'd somewhat unconscionably been keeping boxed up and I wanted to just put them back away and forget it all, but now that they're out they won't go back in. Sometimes I still feel like I want to forget it all, when I'm at my most confused/scared, but then I remember I wasn't any happier before I started questioning than I am now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadutiMorte View Post
Though question: Wearing attractive female clothes makes you feel like you are faking, have you tried male clothing? Cut you hair and style it in a male fashion? I found when I did this the me in the mirror is more me, from the neck up anyway.

And, yes, hip structure has a lot to do with the skeletal structure, our hip bones are shaped differently from that of cis-males, but you'd also be surprise how much of it is still body fat.
I basically gave up on wearing 'attractive female clothes' a long time ago, before I even started questioning.

I still wear women's jeans/trousers, but I pretty much only wear unisex/men's t-shirts now and I started wearing men's underwear as well late last year. To be honest, regardless of gender, I don't think I'd ever go back to wearing women's underwear, the men's are far more comfortable.

My hips tend to be an issue with men's clothes, when it comes to sizing, which is why I haven't really tried trousers/jeans from the men's so far. To be honest ever since puberty decided to make my hips expand, even finding the right fit in women's stuff has seemed to have been a bit of an issue.

I've have lost some weight over the past year and a half (about a stone so far) and it has reduced my bum somewhat, but from the front view my hips still appear much the same as they did before.
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