I'm not sure what this is...

Forgive the potential rambling, I'm on the way to getting a bit drunk...

So, I've been out drinking with my dad. At some point, I don't really remember what started it, he leaned in close and said "you do know that I see what you post on Facebook?" I said yes, I do know. Him seeing what I post is kind of the point (I post a lot of transgender and sexuality related things). He then said that he wasn't an idiot, he had a good idea as to what it all meant, and that he doesn't want to ask me and he doesn't want me to tell him until I'm ready. Now, he ready knows I'm panromantic and asexual, so he can only be referring to my being trans. He also said that my stepmum texts him sometimes and asks "have you seen what *Sam posted?" They talk about me and what they have an idea is going on. The last thing he said to me was that I was still *Sam and he was still Dad and he still loved me no matter what I am or do.

An hour or two later, he saw a group of guys wearing baseball caps and he said "**that's so weird. I know you'd love to be over there, but it's still weird."

So he's basically told me that he knows I'm transgender and that it's okay. And I am relieved as fuck. I'm also scaring the crap out of myself, I still can't say the words. I told him I'm better at answering questions than just telling people, inviting him to ask, but he just repeated that he doesn't want to ask because he wants me to be ready to say it.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. But I do know I'm about to go back out to meet him and continue getting drunk. Who knows, maybe I'll say it later. I hope not, though. I don't want to say it while drunk.

*Sam is the shortened version of my birth name, the name I'm okay with. He (obviously) doesn't know about the name Connor.
**He thinks it's weird that they're wearing baseball caps inside (or at all), not that I wish I was like them.

 

Yeah, I know it's not. But my whole life, for me, it's been associated with Samantha and I just can't see it being mine anymore because I refuse to answer to Samantha. But when/if the time comes for me to change my name, Samuel is to be my middle name, so I still have Sam and I still like and accept being called it. It's just not my first name anymore.