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Broke, confused, and inadequate

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Karkat, Aug 9, 2015.

  1. Karkat

    Regular Member

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    So I'm 20, DFAB, currently out to a few people (mostly over the internet) as genderfluid. My mom loves all things feminine and has always pushed that on to me, my childhood was filled with bubblegum pink and frilly clothes, butterflies, fairies, unicorns, dolls, etc. My mom has always been making me wear clothes that were uncomfortable for me to wear (both physically and emotionally) and she still tries to do this when i have job interviews and stuff. I've always dreaded clothes shopping with my mom, whether it was back-to-school shopping or shopping for an outfit for an event or whatever, if my sister wasn't there to stand up for me, my mom would pressure me into buying something that I'd wear one time or never wear at all.

    And it's not that I hate the way feminine clothes look on me. I actually like to play dress up at night and take pictures in all the tight skirts, lacy tops, strapless rompers, and stuff that ive acquired over the years during these dreaded shopping trips. It's just that most of these clothes are uncomfortable, don't have any pockets, have to be fixed constantly, or i just don't feel like I'll look natural in them out in the real world. I like the way I look but it feels like I'd be going out in public wearing a costume or something.

    in high school I went through a phase where I was getting really good with makeup and fashion and I wore a lot of these clothes and high heels and open toe shoes and stuff and even some jewelery (which i really had never worn and dont wear anymore)

    it's definitely exciting when i get all dressed up nice, and I like the way I look but not necessarily the way I feel.

    But aaanyway so basically I'm out as genderfluid and ask people to use they/them pronouns because while my center is primarily masculine i still enjoy presenting feminine, sort of. Also I feel like He/him pronouns are too much to ask since I'm very, very short and very small and my voice is high. I want to use he/him pronouns and male titles but I feel like I should wait until I'm able to start hormones... but I'm not sure when I'll be able to do that because I still live with my mom( who I'm not out to) and I lost my job months ago and haven't found one yet. I also am not seeing a therapist because, again, no job and not a lot of money saved.

    I sometimes feel like I'm not genderfluid and I'm actually just a man who likes crossdressing in the comfort of his own home, but I feel like because of my height I'll never really be recognized as male even when I do start hormones.:bang:
     
  2. queermeerkat

    queermeerkat Guest

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    Lots of short guys have the same problem, feeling like they're not "man enough" bc of their height due to gender stereotypes.
     
  3. Kaya-Sente

    Regular Member

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    I tend to think I'm a genderqueer not fluid, because that's where I spend most my time. When I'm at my most male I tend to think i'm cis, and somehow faking being trans at all. My female side seems to have blended into my genderqueer pretty seemlessly, so I don't really know how it fits in. Point is, while being non binary doesnt necessarily mean we're not confused, I think it is certainly normal to be confused. It takes a lot of getting used to.

    I can't tell you who you are, but perhaps this helps some?

    From what I've seen hormones can do some pretty convincing work. If you want to be recognized as male, you can get there with patience. There are short men, so that's not really an issue. Though remember that passing isn't necessarily as important as people think. Personally, I actually think I'd be happier (Once I get some confidence) with people being flat confused about my gender than being seen entirely as a woman.
     
  4. Karkat

    Regular Member

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    I'm hoping that gender stereotypes start to be less of a thing in the next few decades so that I spend less time worrying about my height :confused:
     
  5. Leifa

    Regular Member

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    Please and thank you!