Greetings. Today's my second day of school. And honestly, I've never felt worse. My school is catholic, and I am not. Which isn't necessity the problem. Everyone at school sees this boy. This stranger. And my school has a uniform, of which I have to wear the make one. There is no mistaking me for a girl anymore. I was just starting to grow my hair out, and now I have to cut it. And everyone there is so conservative and shit I couldn't come out to anyone even if I wanted to. I can't express femininely. The locker room is the most hellish thing I have ever experienced. I feel so vulnerable, and I want to cry. In one class the teacher was calling attendance for the girls first, and for a split second I was waiting to be called, until my heart broke. I just feel so bad all the time, while I'm there and then that is just slightly lessened when I get home. And the body dyphsoria happens and shit hits the fan. I hate this body so much. I used to cut myself, and quite frankly still have intense urges, because I don't care about this body. If it wouldn't possibly kill me and ip the material wasntthe needed for SRS, I would cut my or is down.It's not mine, it's his. I just want to give up. I can't see hope in this body, and my conservative catholic parents probably wouldn't let me transition in the slightest for a long time. But I still have this hope they might come around and like I don't know anymore. They aren't taking my trans ness badly per se. But they wouldn't want me on HRT, which seems like the best thing that could happen. I know it takes a long time to work, and I'm ready for that. But anything that will get me out of this hell is worth my time. I could drop out of this school and go to the public school,which is four times bigger than mine, and I get really nervous and have panic attacks around large groups of people. But at least there I could express myself. I could be me, not this alienated stranger everyone knows. And they wouldn't expel me if they found out I was trans, or queer for that matter. Basically, I'm depressed, my school year will just get worse, and I can't fight dysphoria. My hope is crumbling, and I don't know how long I will last. I have never felt so vulnerable, never felt so scared, not even when failed suicide. I don't want to fall back into my self harm but that just seems better every day. I want to leave this school, because I feel so alone, but then the other school would be terrifying. I'm fucked. :bang:
Even if a public school would be terrifying, if you could express yourself there and present as female, wouldn't the benefit from that in the long run be better for you than staying in a small school that strictly confines you to present male?
Agree with queermeerkat as well. As much as large groups of people might be terrifying to you, it's better than being confined like that. I've seen you post here before, and your mood has dropped so much in just 2 days there. A big school like that has to have some sort of lgbt support group, or, at the very least, other people who would accept you. Plus, chances are that school would have some decent counselors there.
Maybe you can get help to overcome those panic attacks. Then you can really be yourself at the public school. Of course, it's easy for me to say that, because the main source of my panic attacks wasn't too difficult to get used to.
Holding ice is a good alternative to cutting if you feel you need to express your pain somehow. Things sound really tough for you right now :/
