My whole life, I fit it more socially with girls but my interests were stereotypically masculine and gender neutral. I was never able to associate well with other boys as a child, I was not interested in the things they were interested in, and I didn't act the way they acted and I truly despised them. I spent my teen years trying hoping to grow facial hair and larger penis because I wanted to look and be treated older... Still, socially, I only connect well with females. In grade school, I only sat with the girls at lunch until the school forcibly segregated boys and girls at lunch because of the boys' behaviour. Sometimes, I wish I were one. I always felt guilt connecting with male friends, and I could never identify why. I still dislike masculinity and having to be masculine. I feel like people don't see the real me, they see me as a šhitty young man/ teenage boy. I really wish I were born a girl and were raised as one, and could identify as one. I would feel more like myself. It would make it easier for me to socialise with people, and to express myself better. I have cross dressed a few times. I dislike the lingerie sexual clothing, so I dress more casually female, and it made me feel great, not sexual or fetish wise, just happy. I enjoy expressing in a feminine way, and I wish I would have been born a female. These feelings of wishing for being female are fairly recent, but the social feelings and urges to express femininity have occurred over much of my life.
One thing that you need to learn to do is stop associating stereotypical male and female behavior with innate gender identity. Having masculine or feminine interests mean absolutely nothing when trying to discern what your gender identity is. You grew up as someone male and as such you mainly played with stereotypical male toys and as such it is natural that you will find them appealing to some level. Having mostly female friends is also not a very good indicator that you are trans. However, I would say that you are most likely trans: You wrote: "I always felt guilt connecting with male friends, and I could never identify why. " This shows a discomfort with you male gender identity and is most likely as a result of gender dysphoria. This impression is strengtheed by you mentioning that you dislike being seen as male and being associated with masculinity. However, the strongest indication that you do suffer from gender dysphoria and are transgender is that you believe that if you were a woman you would feel more like yourself and that you believe people don't see the real you. This indicates that there is a dependency between your mind and body and that you have a certain level of disconnect from your body. It is common for people who are transgender to feel as if they are wearing a mask, that people don't see who they are inside. Anyway, only you can really say who you are inside, take your time and I'm sure you will find the answers that you are searching for, Much hugs, (*hug*) Yael
It is just hard because I will always have a masculine face, and my extended family won't accept it because they're all super religious and posted some horrible transphobic things about Caitlin Jenner... And I've been close to them my whole life... Some days, I feel more masculine, or neutral. I'm fine with my genitals on those days, but then I get into some days where I just feel more female. I read up a bit and it seems more like I'm bigender, but I'm unsure.
