I know I haven't posted in a while, I try not to annoy ya'll with my many thoughts, but I have no one to talk to and sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Just don't want to burden the friends that do know, and my family doesn't know so I don't really have people to talk to except on here. So thanks for being the wonderful people who are dealing with my many, sometime repeating, thoughts. I'm just really tired of questioning my gender. It seems to go on forever with me never having a clear answer. Some days I am so sure that to transition is what I want, that I will be so much happier that ways. Other days I'm just not sure and wonder if I should just stay the way I am. If I could switch it off and stop worrying about it I would, but I can't. Today is one of those days where my thoughts have just been a whirlwind. I woke feeling confident that I was indeed transgender, indeed a guy and that I should transition. Looking in the mirror and seeing a guy was all I wanted. After my shower I looked in the mirror with the towel covering my breast, since my glasses were off everything was fuzzy. I tried to use the fuzziness to see a guy instead of a girl, but I couldn't. It frustrated me. But somehow that threw me into this thing of doubt. I mean look at this person in the mirror, she clearly looks like a girl. She even refers to herself as a girl a lot. Constantly thinking things like 'I'm a girl now but one day I'll be a man.' Should I already see myself as a man. And what if I do this and it turns out I was wrong. I hate all the uncertainty. I just want to take a needle and jab it in my leg, shot myself up with T, because that is the only way I will know for sure. I feel like I can't move on with life if I don't do this. if I don't know somehow turn myself into a man, because being a girl... I can't do it. Its not me, I can't grow old that way. But I tell myself I will try. I'll try being a girl. Not all bad after all. But then I see a guy on tv, see his chest and muscles...I find it attractive but what I notice more is the feeling I get. That heaviness and that feeling in the back of throat like I'm about to cry. I don't understand why I have this reaction, I just do. I just want that. To have that, to be that. Having to put on a bra to go places just kills me. The feel of the underwear pressing against me, the way my shirt clings to them. But I am so self conscious when I wear my binder. What if I run into someone who knows me? My DDs suddenly gone won't go unnoticed. I wear sports bras when I can but they can only do so much. I have not a clue what is wrong with me these days.
Those seem like fairly normal feelings to me. Doubts can be frustrating, but at least it means that you're putting a lot of thought into the decision, and not just jumping into it, since medical transition is a very serious change to make. How long have you known (or thought) that you were trans? In my experience, there was a period of adjustment, where I went from "I want to be a guy" to "I am a guy." It's an easy mistake to make to still refer to yourself as female if you're surrounded by other people that do so.
October will make a year since I started questioning. I accepted I was trans fairly early on. I just labeled myself as genderfluid and other non binary genders and didn't think about transitioning at all. Then, somehow went from not thinking about it to only being able to think about it. Something else that messese up is that in high school I use to wish I was trans and was jealous of trans people. I hated having boobd and a vigina do much that I would of done anything to be given that chance. But that faded after graduation. Not sure what happen to those feelings. What I feel now is no where near as bad as that. I just can't picture being this woman for the rest of my life. And I can remember points of my whole life where I would look down and suddenly be struck by the feeling that what I was seeing was a male body, even though I was girl.
