I'm so fucking done with everything. I'm sick of waking up and instantly feeling like shit. I hate having to get up, walk up the stairs, and act like nothing is wrong around my family. I hate having to bus an hour to work only to be depressed the entire day, while at the same time acting like I'm fine and putting on a fake smile and pretending to be someone I'm not because I don't want to get fired. I'm tired of coming home and having to listen to my dad make some stupid comment about gay people or make a joke about a transgender person we see on tv or even just make sickening racist jokes all day, and not be able to say something about it. I'm so fucking tired of going to school all the time and trying my hardest to be myself a little and always falling back into "guy-mode" because I'm not out and too scared to be a little more feminine. I'm sick of always feeling my own skin and disgusting body hair that covers it and knowing that I can't get rid of it because of what I'll hear from everyone around me. I'm done with stepping into the shower everyday and wishing I could just cut everything off and not have to worry about using the tissue for surgeries. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror day in and day out, knowing that the person staring back at me isn't myself, but some other identity that was given to me against my will, and forced upon me by everyone in society. I'm tired of being expected to do so many different things because of what one doctor in some hospital room said 16 years ago. I'm tired of being restricted from doing so many other things for the exact same reason. I cry inside every time someone refers to me as "he", "man", and "sir", because they are completely wrong yet I can't even correct them because they'll think I'm some sort of freak or something.. and how dangerous it could be. It's heartbreaking to know that, despite my greatest efforts, despite the thousands and thousands of dollars and hours of my life that I will pour into this, I will never be the same as a woman who was born with her proper body. There will be things I can't do and I will always life in fear of someone discovering who I am. I will live off pills until the day I die. I'm sick of heading back downstairs to my room, my only sanctuary where I can have peace, then still feeling like shit. In essence, I'm just so fucking tired of being someone I'm not. I just want to be out to everyone. Even if that means that I'll lose a bunch of friends, risk getting kicked out of my home, losing my family, losing my job, being seen as a second-class citizen by the whole world. I don't want this shit inside me anymore. I don't know why I'm posting this. It serves no purpose, I'm not asking for any advice. I guess I just needed to vent on here. I've tried approaching 3 friends who I'm out to and one of them never replied, the other 2 kind of avoided the subject. I thought I was beyond this. I thought I had my shit together now. But I'm in a really dark place again, somewhere I never hoped to return to. The thing that pisses me off the most? I literally have to come out to 3 people. that's it. My dad, my co at cadets, and my boss. I'll be damned what anyone else thinks. But I can't. When I came out to my mom, she gave me a choice. She said, "either tell dad now or wait it out and see if this is just a phase". I decided to wait it out because I wasn't comfortable yet coming out to my dad. I approached her half a year later, wanting to come out because I was in a similar place to this, and she denied me. She told me that regardless of the outcome, she would not consent to any therapies, hormones, or anything else. Even if I was paying myself. Despite the extreme devastation I went through, completely giving up on coming out to my dad, I promised myself from that point on that I would wait until I was 18 and I would start my transition on my birthday. But I'm not sure I can wait that long.. I can't live like this. I hate everything about my body, and I can't do anything to change it. I can't even find peace in the things I used to enjoy doing like 3d modeling or pixel art or playing a game online. My inability to align my gender identity with my gender expression invades my thoughts every moment of every day, distracting me from everything I do. Again, I have no clue why I'm posting this. Really sorry to have made such a long post and not even ask for some sort of advice or anything. It's pretty late and I've been lying in bed for the past 2 hours unable to sleep because of all of this, and I just needed to get it all out.
Hey. First of all I want to say, that you're among people here who understand you. I can relate very much. What I try to do is to, little by little, change my gender expression. In the meantime, the hollow feeling of not being able to be ever fully present as the person you are, will linger for a bit until we can transition fully. ANd that sucks, it really does. But we have to hold on. The future has great things in store for us. And even now there are things we can do. Like going into a store, if you're a bit nervous, you could go and buy some makeup, little things like that. If you're nervous you can have a backup story, like"Im buying it for my girlfriend" or something. Little things like that can really brighten your day, buying some makeup or yeah, small things. I'm painfully aware it can be easy to slip into guy mode sometimes, and that that feels awful. About the depression thing - I'm sorry you're in that situation. I'm there quite often too... Here's a great video I'd like to share. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc One thing I used to do when people were shouting around the house or so was to just listen to music. Just plug in your in-ears or put on your headphones and listen to music. Blocks everything out. If it's like that at dinner or so, you odn't have to particiate in the conversation. As for body hair, what you could do is start shaving it little by little and people likely won't notice much if it's gradual. Can you kind of see a pattern in my writing..? Well, life is abot perspective. Happiness is about perspective. The key is to realize that your being is currently anchored in a negative perspective, and consciously try to anchor it moe in a positive perspective; e.g. It's in many ways not great now... but it will be great later on.", "I might have to take pills everyday forever... but so do many; and it's really just a pill or two. it's just a few seconds of effort per day." "I might always have typically male features. But those 'male' features are shared by many cis women, and if virtually all people I interact with and people on the street see me as female, why do do those features really matter?" Etc. There are unfortunately people who might think you're a freak. But there are also people who will see you for who you are. Have you had any contact with any LGBT+ oganizations or groups or so? there are some things, like pregnancy, we won't be able to exerience, correct. But also, e.g. period - I mean, I would kind of like to have it just to see what it's like - but really, from what I've heard, I think I prefer not to have it. And we'll be able to go through what is basically a female puberty, at a time when our minds are more developed. I find that fascinating! There are positive sides to being trans. Like knowledge. We gain such deep understanding of gender, gender roles, gender expression, how to deal with insecurity, the role of e.g. clothing etc. in society. There are positive aspects. It's good that you're venting! Don't apologize! We're here for you. You can vent on my wall anytime too. (*hug*) You will be able to transition and it will be good. Also, a piece of advice even though you're not asking for it: Are you seeing a therapits or so? It might help. Anyways, I hope my writing wasn't overly optimistic. I do understand your pain. It takes its toll. take care. x
Thanks for the reply. I'd really like to go out shopping and have a backup plan, but I guess I'm just lacking the confidence.. I get paid soon so maybe I'll wait until my parents aren't home and see what I can do. You talk about perspective. I understand completely what you're saying. In fact, this is what I've been trying to do for the last year. I guess recently I've just been losing some of my optimism. Thanks for sharing that video. It's helped me quite a bit. I know I need to focus more on the positives than the negatives. To be honest, a lot of what you've mentioned are things that I've also told other people in different threads. Maybe I'm just really bad at listening to myself. idk :/ Between all my late-night rambling, I guess what I was trying to say was I just don't want to keep things bottled up anymore. Regardless, thanks again for replying. Also I was wondering, I'm not seeing therapists of any kind because my mom refused to consent. Is there any way to get in contact with a gender therapist without my parents knowing? Even if it's only a few sessions, I feel like it would help a lot, and I'm ready to pay myself if it's not like, thousands of dollars.
I'm 34 and am going through the same thing. I get it. I do. The whole change little by little though does help. My mom is the last hold out on me before living full time female except at work or large holiday functions. It annoys me too being called male pronouns.
No problem. (*hug*) That sounds like a plan. Sometimes one's own advice is the hardest to use yourself. I get it about the trying to remain positive thing. We hit bumps so often it takes its toll. But the best we can do is try and get up again and work on improving what we can improve, and appreciate the small improvements. It can be healthy to let your feelings out every now and then. Watching a touching movie, listening to a touching song, or so. (Just make sure it doesn't trigger depression or so.) I don't know about gender therapy since the system isn't the same here, sorry. Another tip I can give you, though: -If you're feelings down, one technique that can work and has worked for me is this: You make a playlist with music. The first few songs are depressing or sad to match your mood, then gradually happier and happier. It can help.
I'm not an expert on BC specifically when it comes to trans support resources but I have a little experience on the Canadian side of things at least. If you really can't wait BC has the Infants Act, which in a nutshell says anyone under 19 can consent to their own medical care if they are deemed capable. Here is the link explaining the act in full detail. CBA British Columbia - 422 after reading the act further I wanted to edit this part of it in. "A doctor or healthcare provider can’t talk with the parents or guardian about a capable child’s medical care, unless the child agrees." So if that does work out for you, legally they wouldn't be able to even tell your parents. Hopefully your doctor would see you're capable and can refer you to see a therapist. With any luck you could start making your way towards transition before 18! I can definitely relate to feeling like a "psuedo-woman", I thought I'd be like a second rate woman that no one would care for. I even was still thinking that for the first half of my transition. Sometimes the thought pops into my head to this day. I think the key is to surround yourself with people who know you're a women and make you feel accepted. After I had started hanging out with a friend I met, she introduced me to nice people and I started getting more social and I met some really awesome people who honestly never have asked me anything about me being trans, they make me feel like I'm cis. If you haven't already, try finding local LGBT support groups to make new friends who will be there for you because it can make a load of difference. It's definitely hard to get past depression especially when it's fueled by something you feel you can't do anything about or have no control over. You could try taking small steps towards transition in the non-medical route to help ease dysphoria until you can start medical transition. Working on your voice is a good one to practice before transitioning. Starting to grow your hair and also using good shampoo and conditioner to help it grow healthy is another thing you could do. Nice smelling lotions are great too, they'll also help make your skin smoother as well as smelling nice. Before I starting transitioning I went and bought really feminine style clothing from the men's section, it helped by getting me used to slimmer, tigher fitting clothes and wearing them in public. You may already be doing those but if you'd like any more ideas feel free to ask on my wall. I'm really glad you were able to share all of this with us. It's better to let it out than have it stay bottled up, that's for sure.
Thanks. Idk if I'll ever get around to actually trying this, but it's a really good idea. Thank you! After reading that, I'm actually looking forward with a bit of optimism.
I can actually relate to a lot of that (especially about the conversations and the never having some of the things cis people do) even if I have the opposite body problem. I apologize for not really having any new advice to add, but I agree with what people said before about small positive steps. I was actually thinking of taking a major transition step on my 18th b-day too since I'll be a legal adult. Legal crap sucks, but I'm moving on before this derails into a whole separate rant about that. It would be great if we could simply switch genders in a way, then start actually enjoying our lives to the fullest. If there is anything new I can add though, it's that you shouldn't hide who you are. Try striving for this if it's safe. Out, proud, and capable people are probably less likely to be targeted by assholes since they can't use the typical bs excuses. Maybe that's my own stubbornness talking, but imho they might back down more quickly if you make a point of having an 'I'm a person too, are you going to challenge that?' attitude. It also shows haters that trans people as a whole should have no right reason to fear a bunch of closed-minded haters. The more folks in general realize and accept that we do exist, the more adversity towards crimes and bullying there will be. Then police, relatives, peers, etc. will be more willing to help and prevent things like that. Sad as it is, even if some of them do so only to "go along with the majority", it would still help. Ignorance and fear of the unknown are part of the root cause for trans 'phobia', so spreading the true facts is always good. You could also build yourself a support network this way. Well that's all I can think to say. Otherwise, stay strong, and I hope this is helpful. =)
This is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish. To be honest, I rarely care what others think of me. If someone thinks I'm annoying, screw them. If they think I have weird interests, whatever. If they don't like me for this reason or that reason, all the better to them. But for some reason when it comes to my gender I can't get over it. I'm working on coming out publicly this school year though.. Yeah, legal crap sucks. I'll stay out of it though like you said or this is going to get way too long :lol: But yeah, thanks for the input. I'm striving towards being more open to other people's reactions and just dealing with it. I so badly just want to be out to everyone. Sooo my family's moving right now but once we're all settled I plan on coming out to my dad.. then from there we'll see what happens.
Don't worry girl, you can get through this, it may be tough, but we're strong; we can get through it xD *hugs*
Hey there. If you're near Vancouver, check out Qmunity or look at their website. They might have info about resources near you.
Thanks Once I can drive, they'd be like 40 mins away from where I live. Maybe I'll stop by sometime, but it's kind of far :/ Thanks anyway!
