First off, I know I don't really need to apologize, but sorry for another long post. I need to vent. I'm pretty certain I'm trans. I've always seen myself as a guy. I honestly don't like my body the way it is, and I try to completely avoid form-fitting or smaller clothes altogether (not only are they just not very comfortable, but dysphoria and self-consciousness make it a double-whammy). Both my parents and I know I'm extremely picky about clothes and everything. Something I've heard is that a lot of trans people go through stages similar to that off grief, including denial and bargaining. Well that denial and bargaining is getting pushed out of my mind faster to be replaced with something like restlessness or impatience. My dad and I went shopping, and he let me buy several guys' shirts. I love the shirts and I kept them, but I still felt picky because they don't hang loose enough imo. It sucks! I've probably said this before, but no one should have to go through life like this. The constant self-consciousness and all that is really driving me crazy. I wish I had a binder, or T, or some kind of quick-transition pill right now. How does anyone put up with this... need to get things done already? It's beyond ridiculous and frustrating; I can't even fucking go to bed at night without shifting a gazillion times in a fruitless attempt to get comfortable. When I'm sitting, cuddling with my dogs, or just going about everyday things, I know I constantly move my shirt just so and feel acutely aware of my body. Going back to the shirts I bought though. Part of what's chasing away the doubt is what happened earlier. I told my parents that I liked the shirts but that they 'didn't hang right' and such. Of course, my mom said the exact last thing she should have said: "Men and women are different, we've had this conversation before but you won't listen. You have hips that guys don't." That, and the general transphobia, are driving me nuts. I was so friggin angry, I didn't even know how to react. If I'd literally been hit with a brick across the face, I'd know how to react. I just took a shower and went to my room; I wanted to curse or cry or try explaining to them that I'm trans, but because of said transphobia, there's no way (especially on a week-long vacation). If I cried, I'd probably have to hear some comment about 'emotional teenage girs', which would piss me off beyond reason. If I tried coming out, I'd get some serious backlash and horrible awkwardness. When we were shirt-shopping, my dad said he wondered if there were any womens' versions of the shirts I wanted, and I had to adamantly say how much I hated womens' clothes and tell him there's no way I'd wear them. Will they ever get it? I'm not wearing female clothes. I'm not a girl. Hearing about periods and my body and all that stuff makes me want to dig a hole to China and disappear. I just want any last shreds of doubt and irrational fear in my mind to go away so I can get on with it. I can't imagine living as a woman, and the mere thought of senior yearbook pics and formal school dances makes me cringe. Even if it's not in the near future, I know I'll probably get pressure to go to prom and questions if I don't. But I the thought of going to prom wearing something remotely feminine and all the other potential disasters makes me glad to skip a 'great opportunity for fun' since it would be awful. I don't plan on keeping in touch with any of my relatives except a few when I move out. Too bad it's a few years away, and I care if my parents accept me or not...I should be enjoying my teenhood, enjoying my vacation. I know deep down past all my doubts and others' 'phobia' that I'm a guy, and I want to live as one. Someone could give me all the money in the world, Mr. Right, my dream job, and lots of pets. Even with all those snuffly dogs, I couldn't be truly happy, and I hate how it hurts both me and those closest to me. I probably won't be able to transition fully till I'm about 20 (assuming I have the money by then too). I'd like some advice on how to put up with this, as much as it really sucks, for the next few years. Years that I'll never get to go back to and re-live as my true self. Certain...family members who I'd prefer not to bash, have the opinion that my being trans means that, directly quoting, 'God f---ed up? So that's what you're saying, basically.' If there's going to be religion brought into this, I think it's a test from God to be brave and live my life to the fullest; I don't want to live a half-life or fear and regret. I'm so sick of this bs, I hate when people basically put words in my mouth that I'd never even think to say. Being told 'don't try to be something you're not' is extremely offensive when that's exactly what I'm trying not to do, yet being stopped my the people who are telling me that. The answer is right in front of their eyes, if they'd take the time to see it. I'm going to have to stop typing because I've gotten to the point, and this could go on practically forever.
While I am coming to this from the other end of the spectrum as you (as a transwoman, rather then a transman), I can perfectly relate to what you are feeling right now, even through I am actually out of the closet to my family (at least those that I want to know) it seems as I have stuck in the rut of them not being able to accept me as the woman that I feel myself to be and want to be (except my sister-in-law and sister, who have both been good about it), as well as the whole having to deal with expectations put on you because of the body you were unlucky to have been born into at birth, and general dysphoria and uncomfortableness with my male body, male clothes; and my constant desires to be a woman and what not. So yeah, I get what you're feeling, it's tough, it's going to be, but you need to stay strong man, you seem like a strong guy, you'll be able to get through all of this and be who you were meant to be one day; just stay strong *hug*
I can relate 100% here. Trust me I'm the same age, same out status (more or less), same transphobia. I too just want to say "fuck it" and waltz out in a dress and full-face makeup. I just want to start hormones NOW. I get it too.. "We need to toughen you up" and "yes, you should do that. That's what boys do" from my dad all the time. Then my mom just fucking misgenders me on purpose and calls me "sir" all the time because I'm out to her and she doesn't support. To be honest, I don't know how all of us trans* people keep going. When I'm feeling really dysphoric, I like to play some music and get into something I really enjoy doing. I love computer art, both 2d and 3d. When I can't stand the dysphoria, I just pour my heart into a 3d model or some pixel art or something. But yeah I really do know where you're coming from. Just hang in there, okay? We're all here for you <3 (*hug*)
I can relate to a lot of this. I don't feel comfortable in pretty much any of my clothes, I'm constantly adjusting things but nothing ever fits right. My mom and dad are accepting (I don't think they like it or take me seriously, but they're alright with it), but most of my other family members are pretty transphobic, I have no idea if I'll still have a good relationship with them in the future. I can't transition until after high school either, and it really bums me out because I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years by being stuck in the wrong gender, and therefore usually too uncomfortable and depressed to do much. Most of the ways I cope with it is just distraction (thinking about it a lot makes it worse), and throwing myself into my hobbies.
Thanks guys, I'll hang in there. I definitely get the feeling that I'm just wasting years away, being in the wrong body and such. Though nobody will have to worry about me being suicidal; there's a whole list of reasons why I can't even imagine doing that (just...no). The worst thing I'm feeling is just impatience and grouchiness. Luckily I could pretty much forget my dysphoria, if only for a short time, parasailing today. I was extremely irritable beforehand though because I thought the harness and life jacket would make my body too noticeable and distract me to a fault. Turned out to be a great time, though I constantly thought about how I'd love to have short hair and a flat chest. That's something I plan on doing after transitioning again, to fully enjoy the sensation of flight without worrying about my friggin dysphoria and long hair.
