Hello there. I was on this forum a few months ago when I had a sudden question pop into my head: "I'm not comfortable with my gender?" After a week of stress, I decided that it was an isolated incident. So, I wanted to be a boy as a kid. I spoke those very words on multiple occasions throughout my early years. But, hello, puberty! Time to act like a "typical" girl. So, I forgot about feeling like a boy. Suppressed it. However, I worked in the theatre and I *always* requested the male roles. Theatre saved my life in many ways, as I never felt happy or comfortable with myself. Onstage, that didn't matter. I could be somebody else. Forget that overwhelming feeling of not belonging anywhere, especially in my own skin. College came along and I was eight hours away from anyone and anything that I knew. So, I let myself become who I wanted to be. I finally dressed like I wanted to, and I finally admitted to myself that I was girl who liked girls. That was the explanation, wasn't it? I never felt comfortable growing up because I was just a butch lesbian. Two months after my "isolated incident," I'm having another one. I wrote this off before, figuring that I was triggered by an LGBT film that I watched. Went on just fine. Nothing to think on for too long. But, last week, I was walking through a shopping center parking lot. I stopped on the sidewalk and suddenly thought, "I should be a guy." It's backkkk. The thoughts, the feelings, the doubts. I feel like a woman a lot of the time. I'm fairly comfortable with my body. But, the vast majority of me is masculine. I've thought about being male more times than I care to admit, but the idea of a change scares me. Changing my body. My voice (that's the vocalist musician in me, though) So, I'm more gender fluid probably at this point in time. That's a harder concept for me than being trans, as everyone in this world is black and white. One or the other. No in between. The forms always ask us to check "male *or* female?" It makes me wonder where I fit, who I am. It took long enough to feel comfortable as a lesbian. I just question if that's not quite right. Though we can agree that labels do not matter, that those things come with time and soul-searching, the thought of belonging somewhere matters. I'm hoping that perhaps some of you out there understand my situation, as I can't find lesbians in the suburbs - let alone anybody trans* or anywhere in between. Well, I am very grateful for this forum and this website. I'd feel nothing but isolation right now if it weren't for all of these posts and you amazing people
Welcome to my world *has mental break down* I think we preach that labels don't matter but in the trans community its kind of at the core of us. They're both kind of true and I choose not to think about that to be honest. You'll find certainty eventually and it will suck be who you are in a black and white world but it will be better than pretending to be someone else.
Thanks! I do love that we can all meet here and see that we have things in common. I totally agree that it is at the core of us. And, I agree one hundred percent that the best thing is to be ourselves, even if it's a long and hard road. In the end, I think that everyone finds their way. It's just about rolling with it and trying to end the journey, I think
