Hello EC community. Before I begin, I really want to apologize if my first thread sounded really sad or slightly mean, I'm really paranoid when it comes to the Internet, but this seems like a kind community to be in. I'm just not the person who speaks of their actual feelings to a group of people. So obviously I am questioning my gender and I have been for a long while now. I really didn't want to repeat the same mistake of trying to hold it out as long as possible till I blow up and make some rash decision. To start, I never had huge gender dysphagia as a child, but I would sometimes wonder why I never felt the same as any other boy with the way they act. I thought that when I figured out I was gay, it somehow filled in those missing variables of the equation that equalled me, but it felt like it was only half of it. I realized I was way too feminine, even for normal gays so I figured I was this "special" stereotype, as I wrote in my coming out thread a couple of weeks ago(Scared and Corfused, read that for more background info) However, this random idea popped in my idea somewhat later that I'm Trans and I couldn't shake it off since. Clearly, there is no denying how feminine I am. I also began thinking about female clothing and I love the skirts and the shirts, they're all so interesting unlike redundant guy clothes. Before I questioned gender, I always wore pants because I absolutely hate any kind of body hair. I tried to wear long sleeve shirts, but my parents hated it so I had to stop with that. If I was a biological girl, I would overload with skirts and dresses since I would have less body hair and you're allowed to have it. Speaking of hair, I've always envied girls with long hair and smooth skin, I bet it feels great. My voice is often high and even though I like that, I keep it shut since I am shy and such. I also really love flowers and other things, but that isn't exactly evidence for being Trans. "So far, you sound Trans to me, why need my advice?" Well, here comes the main issue. Breasts and vagina. Although I love the slender and nice female body, I am undecided on whether or not I would want to get those private parts. Even if I were dying to get those, I would have to go through surgery, therapy, pills, and so many barriers that many transgender people face daily and it frightens me. My family is homophobic enough, but Trans? That's on another level. But when I look in the mirror and think about a girl's body, I can't help thinking how pretty and lovely I would be. Even though it sends a shiver down my back sometimes. So here's the ultimate question that is constantly in mind. Am I transgender? I still have much doubt, but I don't want to be biased and make this more painful than it needs to be. Besides, half of me is so stubborn on trying to keep to sticking with male and the other half wants to break free just as bad. It's a constant battle and it's tiring me out. Side note: I am so wanting to split this in paragraphs and make this corrrct usage, but my phone sucks so sorry for that!
I can't tell you who or what you are my friend, but from what you posted in the OP, I would say that you could definitely be trans, that doesn't mean you are, but you definitely exhibit some signs that you could be transgender (including some that I myself had before and during my questioning) but you could also be an extremely feminine boy or even transsexual or some other kind kind of trans identity; not necessarily outright MTF. I hope this isn't rambly, just offering up a few ideas for you to consider.
Your response isn't rambling, it was helpful! If anything, I feel like I am. But to be fair, the biggest reason I have for keeping my "male" parts is because I will have a better chance of keeping a gay relationship than a Trans one, if that makes any sense. Besides, I have been in this body since birth so I would have doubt myself, even when the signs are blunt obvious. I will admit though that I feel much better acting female than I do as this "nerd male" that I am using to hide myself. I just don't want to go make a rash decision or walk into this blindfolded. If I may ask, what was it like when you were questioning your gender? You don't have to answer if it's too personal, it's just to give me some perspective.
Oh no, it's perfectly fine to scrutinize a thing like this to the littlest tee if you need too, questioning one's gender is a very large task to undertake, it's not something you do lightly or without great consideration to all evidence and every single feeling and thought you may have, your perfectly fine in that regard; as is any reason you may have for desiring to keep your male parts rather then going for full SRS. As for how things were with me when I was questioning my gender, I'd be happy to answer that question; especially if it helps you figure out your own situation any at all. Basically, I always felt that there was something off with me, even from a very early age, but I could not quite pin this down when I was younger and less aware of what things meant and were. I do remember that when I was younger I sometimes felt jealous of girls for some inexplicable reason, and felt a strong attraction to female clothes; but I never paid these things much thought. I was however never comfortable with presenting as male on the internet, it just never felt right, it always felt like I was lying when I did it for some reason (one that I know now of course), so I always presented as female on the internet while continuing to be my "not quite right" self in RL; the serious problems began when my mother forced me to stop doing so about a year and a half ago, an act which alerted my brain to things in my mind that I had not recognized up until that point. The serious questioning didn't begin until around April of this year, when a series of dreams, my increasing uncomfortableness and hatred of my body and a trip to Walmart while I stared too lustfully and jealousfully at the women's clothing in the store alerted me to what I had been afraid to tell myself for so long. This period was hard for me for many reasons, as while I had become aware of these questioning thoughts I was having, I continued to doubt myself and try every single method I could to try and cling onto even the smallest part of my male identity (including trying to label myself with various fluid labels that just did not fit), I did this all while I dreamt constantly (as I still do) of being a woman, saw my futureself as a woman, continued to stare at the women's clothing and wished to myself that I could wear it, and basically thought and felt every single blunt thing one could feel that all obviously added up to the fact that I was an outright trans woman; but I kept denying and doubting even when I knew the truth for a fact in my mind. It finally reached the point that I couldn't deny it anymore, and that's how I got to where I am today. So yeah, I'm not sure if my story can really help you all that much, but you sound like a lovely person, and whatever and whomever you are, I am sure you'll be able to figure it out. I do hope my little story helps some through.
Yesss listen to MetalRice she knows what she's saying. Anyway, having doubts are extremely normal. To be honest, I'd be more concerned if you weren't doubting yourself. I can really relate to a lot of what you said. Especially the hair part. Also can relate to the family being homo/transphobic. You very much sound trans to me. Not wanting to go through surgery is perfectly normal. Plenty of people decide not to get SRS from a whole bunch of reasons. Some just don't mind their penis, others are afraid to lose sensation or want to have children, others have medical reasons... This doesn't make your gender any less valid. My questioning process really took effect a few years ago. Looking back now, I never really fit into place with the kids around me. It wasn't even a gender thing either. Most of my friends were boys. Idk I was just really awkward and I always had issues talking to people. One memory that always sticks out from my childhood though is quite interesting. I remember this really vividly because it affected me a lot and it always sneaks into my mind somehow. I remember one of my elementary teachers asking us to write 5 lines on a piece of paper. (Why? I forget. It was probably to check our grammar or something as it was a bilingual school). The first 4 lines on my paper were "I hate --" (some object or whatever). The last, was "I hate myself". I never knew why I did this. I was never a depressed or sad kid. I never had trouble getting along with people, and I could be seen as a "good kid" (I guess.. doing homework, not getting in trouble, etc.). These days, I take it as a sort of sign. It's something my inner self was trying to tell me as a kid, but I ignored it. Anyway, this feeling of "I hate myself" actually did eventually come around when I was probably 11 or 12. I guess I was just tired of being so awkward and weird around other people. It was around this age that I started interacting more with girls. While my other friends were always talking about how this girl was cute and that they liked that girl, I never understood it. It went on like this until I was around 14, at which time I gave up trying to understand them and just focus on school. After a few months though, I was slipping into depression and I had no idea why. I also started noticing that I could really relate to girls a lot more than my friends. There never really was an "aha" moment with me. I was messing around on the internet when I came across the term transgender. It was something I had heard before but never really understood. I looked into it more and I really started to feel like I could relate to the word. The more I realised that I was transgender, the more I tried to deny it. "There's no I could be a girl. It's just something I read online." But it kept flooding my thoughts and eventually I just had to accept it. The past year has been hard now that I've accepted myself. Coming out is a constant hassle, but I know it needs to be done. You know, I haven't really gone into my childhood memories too in-depth on here before. Anyway, that's my story. Hopefully it, along with my advice up top, helps you somewhat. (*hug*)
I'm serious when you said that I sound like a lovely person that it felt so sweet, first time I heard of that being used for me. Thank you. (*hug*) I think your story has helped me. I would honestly love to think that I am a straight white male in this world like you did (please correct if I got your race wrong, sorry!) , but I know it's just wishful thinking (You have no idea how many times my mom goes on and on about me being a white male in a white male's world to make a point that I need to smile more and be more social, it's counterproductive.) I can't say for a fact that I am Trans yet, but when I compare myself to you, there are similarities which I can't rule out in the game of question. ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2015 at 05:37 PM ---------- We do relate on some things I agree, such as the hair and family. Honestly, I can't find a reason why not to be disgusted from body hair! I remember asking my dad years ago if I should shave my legs and he tells me that only girls do it out of vanity, which lowered my self esteem for a while since I'm the kind of child that tries to impress their dad. On surgery, I am really scared of that along with other things. I know people get out of fine, but even after that, there are pills.. therapy, treatment, all sorts of things with money being the prime demand. About your childhood, I was and still am just like you. Always getting good grades, no trouble, and even had kids copy off me literally every day and I still do, which I don't mind, but it gets annoying when they refuse to learn. I also, unlike some people, I can be dramatic and when depression pops up,, it turns from minor to moderate real fast; it's a curse and this questioning isn't helping, but I need to be clear with who I am. That is what the teenage years are all about in general anyways. By the way, I completely agree when you said that you could relate to girls way more, it applies to means I have a few that I talk to at times. I just wish I wasn't socially awkward, but if I wasn't, my true self would show instantly so it's like a trap. Sorry for talking so much, I digress! Thanks so much for sharing like Metal rice, y'all seem like beautiful women to me. (*hug*) I personally love hugs do that's my favorite emotion to use on here, sorry! I will still question though, but it's becoming clearer, thank y'all.
No problem dear, you really do seem like a sweet person; which is why I went ahead and said it in that post xD ((*hug*)) As for my story, I'm not even exaggerating here when I say that I am really glad that my sharing of it has provided you with even the littlest fraction of help for your own personal struggles, the fact that I spent most of my struggles alone without anyone to give me advice or support was something that didn't help me at all with the process of figuring out who I was; so finding a way to help others in a similar situation to the one I faced and still face post-acceptance of my gender is something that I do take joy in doing; as even the littlest amount of support and help can be extremely beneficial to someone like you or me as we figure out ourselves and our way in this crazy thing called life. I wish you luck on your journey of self-discovery OP, you are free to PM me to post on my wall anytime if you ever need a shoulder to lean your troubles on xD.
Breasts do add more interest to the bland chest of the male, I can see that for sure, but I will keep thinking over that just in case. The vaginas, the same situation as the breasts, they're annoying when I cross my legs and I do it a lot, but like I said I will put thought into it. I definitely know I ain't sexually attracted to them though. Hope you get those breasts if you really want it! ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2015 at 05:49 PM ---------- I should be thanking you, but I'm glad for getting permission on that, I will remember that. Either way, it's really scary when I look into the life of transgender for me. I appreciate your support, I been fighting all of my depression alone for so long when I realized I liked guys and I didn't want to make the same mistake on this. I love this community, it's an exception to the sometimes dark Internet. Here's a free hug (*hug*)
(*hug*) I know the feeling, the depression, anguish and fear can all be terrible to deal with when you are alone, but you are thankfully not alone anymore, you have all of us here at EC xD
Don't be! We're here to listen. Awwww thanks! :3 Yeah the hug one is my fav as well This is something that I too struggle with. Despite wanting to get the full female body, surgeries and all, I'm still trying to figure out if it's all worth it.. Being dependent on a drug for the rest of your life... Not to mention all the costs. I'm actually starting to save now so I can afford everything when I transition at 18 lol. Feel free to post on my wall anytime as well.. Add me if you'd like too! Being transgender is extremely scary and we go through a lot of hell. But hey, why not make the best of it? (*hug*) (&&&)
Okay, so before I begin, today was absolute crap, especially making those cookies in cooking class. Sorry, just felt like venting on that. Back on topic, I been researching and being more introspective in order to answer this constant question that will not let me focus on anything anymore. So I turned off remembering history and searched up transgender help. Saw a couple of videos, including a therapist and actual MTFs because there is so much fog of doubt and fear clouding my judgment. For the therapist video, I pretty much answered yes to most of her questions if I was Trans (no, this wasn't video chat, it was on YouTube) I hate to admit it and even though I love what females do, I feel so disgusted for thinking of these things, but I can't help it, it's so... I don't know, much better if that makes sense? I was thinking of breasts and vaginas, I am starting to lean on wanting them, leaning on wanting that surgery, the treatments. I seen some of the results and researched on it, it felt so sickening to look at how great they are and then I look at "this" body that my brain controls. I still hate the fact how much it costs and certain side effects that can occur, but it's starting to seem a much better choice than staying like this. I keep getting shivers just thinking about it though. My body is terrible, but even if I turn out to be Trans, "will it all be worth it? " I feel like this post means nothing, but figured it had something related to this. I am still grateful for y'all helping this poor Southern teen, it means a lot, I promise.
I don't have the means to start transition myself yet, but I do consider that all of it would despite being hard - worth it in the end so that I can be the woman that I want to be, from head to toe and everywhere in between, if that is what you want, then it's a valid option for you to consider, just remember that you can always ask for advice on her and lean on us if you have questions or worries; and you are free to post on my wall any time if you need to talk xD.
Okay, so after a while of considering I decided to try on makeup and see how it feels. Considering my brother was engrossed from the TV and Dad was taking a nap, I went ahead and snuck into Mom's room (It's a room meant for fancy Queens...) Anyways, I put on some makeup including lipstick, eyeliner, cheek coloring, she has an entire collection like you wouldn't believe. I was so shocked and overcome by disbelief. I try it on and oh my God, I haven't felt so happy in months, maybe a year!! Hell, I took two pictures of me with it on, it felt so relieving and jovial, I can't describe it! I had to take it off, but those two guys I mentioned earlier, they're going to get pizza by themselves so I will be here by myself in a bit. I can't stop thinking and smiling about it, this keeps repeating in my head "I'm doing it again!" I can't describe it good enough, but I can't stop acting feminine. This is making me really question my doubts if this lifts my spirit so easily, like the depression just flew out the windows, and when I thought about school seeing me, I was like "fuck 'em" Maybe I really am Trans... I'm still going to put some more thought, but this clear as day.
It's really nice that trying on your mother's makeup made you as happy as you are, it sounds like your finally beginning to put the pieces together on who you are, which is grand xD
Yeah, awesome job and really happy for you! I remember the first time I put makeup on I was a mess but it felt really nice. I haven't done it so much because I'm scared as hell that my family would come home early and catch me. (*hug*)
After a while of considering, I think I am actually Trans. I know it seem obvious already, but I always have doubt and things like this are huge, which is no doubt. I'm going to change my gender status to female trans, but if I realize it is a mistake, which I don't see happening at this point, I will change it. I talked to my dad about being Trans and such, and he always wanted a daughter but only ever had sons so I figured... And yes, I'm not that afraid to talk to my dad about this stuff, it's just how we work, I know that many, MANY dads aren't easily able to talk about this stuff. Anyways, he thought it was a phase at first, but when I kept talking to him and he started connecting the dots and saw how I was magically happy earlier (I explained the makeup thing), I could tell he went "oh shit" in his head. So he told me that I had some mental disorder, which I don't mind, he's my dad after all. Then he said that if I want to transition, he will never give me money or support it, then he said that if I still want too, I have to wait till I have a good, stable job and be in my 30s... He still loves me(so he says), buy he hates my guts, according to him. He said he wants me to be happy, but not like this. With all that said, I think he completely realized that this won't go away, but he's scared as hell about this. He smoked over 4 cigarettes since it's his way of coping. Either way, I'm happy that y'all helped me realize this, even though it's scary. Thank you!(*hug*)
*Hugs* girl, you got this, I'm happy that you finally feel at ease with yourself, and even if your dad didn't react the best that he could have, I'm still happy for you all around.
