I dont know what i am..

Hey guys im new around here

Im an 18 year old straight male, Im only attracted to females and i think males are kinda disgusting haha...but ive been confused with my gender identity for many years....and it never went away only gets stronger, thats why i joined the forum...
so when i was 10 years old, i tried on my moms clothes in secret, i didnt feel guilty or anything i think it was because i was too young, and i just did what i liked to do.
i would pray so hard that i could wake up as a girl...
and i never really liked the things that boys like, cars, guns etc, but i dont like barbies either...i do like video games tho, but i hate those shooting games they are so boring, pointless and shallow, i prefer the ones with good storylines and without violent elements...

And although i never find myself trying to act or pose like girls, i feel more connected to feminine thinking, like all sorts of emotions and stuff...
i never feel masculine, and i hate it when people say i need to be like a man and do what men are supposed to do!!!

I think it all started with only wanting to dress up like a girl, i didnt really think about if i actually want to be a girl or not, but i did dream about it, never thought about being one for my whole life, i guess its because i was little and didnt know much.
but now as i grow up, i noticed so much more about girls. like the way they think, the way they see things, and how the society says they should be. i feel so connected and related to these things, so although i dont act like a girl, but inside i always think like a girl, or at least i try to...i never liked being dominant. and i think the way a normal, general conception male think and see things is stupid...sorry if you are confused...its hard for me to expain and put it in words..

And also i think female bodies are beautiful, males bodies are boring and disgusting. and i think males genitals and body hair are so gross... women have so many choices when it comes to clothes, and men do have a few as well, but i just like the look and the feel of womens clothes, i think its just a personal preferrence thing...when i see pretty girls on street, i would wish so bad that i could be like her...and when i put on girls clothes(sorry if its gross), i do feel turned on...so for a while i thought i was just a controll freak that because i like something and i want to possess it, but now as i know more, and knowing that this thinking started when i was 10, i feel so confused. i dont know if its just a fetish or not, and the fact that i get turned on so easily, DISGUSTS me!!

Everytime i look into a mirror or take a shower, i feel so ashamed disgusted and depressed...when i was called a "guy" or a "boy", honestly i feel unhappy about it.

The reason im confused is, i dont find myself acting like a girl, and i dont like guys, im attracted to girls, but i like everything about being a girl and wish i could be one, the way their mind works, their roles in the society, family, and relationships, and the outside appearance, everything.

I dont know what i really am... and honestly ever since i could remember, ive been wanting to be a girl, it may started out because i want to dress up like a girl, but now it becomes so much more and complicated. and i think because of that, ive never been truly happy. all my memories since i could remember are dark, because of all the conflicted and contradicted things in my head, im sort of in the middle and dont know where i actually belong to, and i think that is one of the most painful thing in the world!

Thank you so much for reading all this, i really cant hold it in anymore. can you guys please kinda tell me what i am? transgender? transexual? transvestite? or just a creepy guy with fetish? and maybe your experience? thank you so much....