Hey everyone, if you don't know my situation, you can read over this thread that I posted before, but to recap shortly, I came out to my mother as transgender around two weeks ago, and she initially appeared to be "supportive" upon my initial sending of the Facebook coming out message, saying that she just needed time to figure out her feelings; and I initially respected this and kept my distance. Since then however, things have gone completely downhill. It all began three days after that, when I decided to come out to my father - upon attempting to do this however - my father informs me that my mother had already outed me to him, in hindsight I should have expected this, but in the heat of the moment that night I couldn't control my temper and ended up lashing out through the sending of a nasty private Facebook message to my wall that only my mother could see. She ended up seeing it, and that ended up triggering a fight between me and my parents, both of whom then proceeded to repeatedly try and invalidate me and tell me that I was "too young", "too confused" and "too inexperienced" in life to know what my feelings really meant (a bunch of hogwash, I know), my mother also told me that she wanted to blow her brains out or move away because of this, that I was the unfair and selfish one in this who made a "decision" without "consulting everyone else and their "feelings"; and that I was "murdering" her son and that I was a "new" person she had no feelings for and didn't know. Since then, whenever the topic of me being transgender has come up, it has caused both me and my mother to lash out and fall into bitter fighting, my mother has continued at every turn trying to invalidate me at every chance she can get and has continued to accuse me of lying, or being too young or too confused to truly know about these things; or even brainwashed by people on the internet (particularly, this site) at the most volatile. She constantly says things like she can't believe that I am trans because I still like "boys stuff" (like cars, war and sports), haven't expressed any "visible signs of distress" (I was deeply closeted for the long time, and still don't feel comfortable or have the ability to change much in the way of how I do things or how I act, but I still am not sure what she means by this), only started talking about it "recently" (due to research she read that apparently told her that most transgender people know by the time they are four, which is obviously bullshit, she seems to be under the impression that this happened overnight), and because I don't have the best hygiene (fair point on it's own, and it's partly because of my uncomfortableness with my body and touching it, and the pain my damaged gums feel when I brush my teeth, but it has nothing to do with the gender stuff) and pretty much every invalidating thing you could even think of; even to the point of calling me the selfish one and saying that I am "murdering" her "son" even through I am still essentially the same child she knew and loved before I came out to her. Yet... she's cut down on her usage of male pronouns and the "Uncle" title in front of my nephew and nieces (who with their parents live with us temporarily right now) and said she did it out of respect for me, she's also said she feels guilt over using my male birthname, and has expressed worry about me due to the high amount of violence against trans women that has been going on lately. So really. what is going on with her? I can't figure her out; can anyone help?
In regards to her ignorance about trans stuff you can try to educate her. Craft a well written essay citing articles that shoe that while some trans people know from a young age most do not till puberty and even dome are clueless in till later on in life. Try to tell her when you first started feeling off, why you have bad hygiene, etc. Reassure her that you are not murdering her son but allowing this person to be the daughter they were meant to be, and that you are still the same person today as you were yesterday but with a better understanding of yourself. Explain to her that coming out as trans is a personal thing and that when you want to tell someone you will and she shouldn't do it for you. Be kind and respectful while writing/saying this. A bad attitude won't help get your points across, so I suggest apologizing for that wall message you sent her. While you are not being selfish and have a right to be treated with respect you should take her feeling into account when thinking about it all. She has seen you as her son for so many years and for her it is almost like over night you have decides to be a girl. You have to calmly explain to her that that isn't the case. You have always been a girl. And then point out girls can like boy things too. Look at all the girls who join the military, work on cars, excel at sports, etc. A tomboy is a tomby but no one accuse them of not being female. This is scary for your mom and she is confused, but she has done research and is trying to respect you in some ways, that is encouraging. Just help her along.
The things she's said to you are terrible, hopefully you haven't let them get to you yet. However, I think she might be trying. Based on the bottom few lines, she might be going through unnecessary grief. But the fifth stage of grief is normally acceptance, and I think that's the route she's going down. All she needs is a little push and a little time, seemingly. I wish I could give better advice to alleviate the situation, but I think you need to give it time to clear up on it's own. Good luck! (*hug*)
I have tried to explain what I am feeling to her and how and when I began to start feeling off about the gender I was assigned at birth, I have tried doing that, but she put down every single thing I tried to say as an "excuse" or not "adequate enough of an explanation" to suit her, so I don't think that trying to explain myself and the things that I am feeling and thinking will help all too much in truth; since she is utterly convinced in her mind right now that I am somehow confused or don't know enough about these things to truly know (or at least that's the act she's putting in front of me everytime I have talked about it with her) I have also tried (briefly through, as it did not get much of anywhere) to explain to her that I am the still the same person that she thought I was before she read the coming out message - just one who knows more about herself and has a better understanding of herself then she did before, but all she sees is me wanting to "mutilate my body and change the name I gave her" (her words, not mine), she sees me as a different person; and trying to get through her head that I am not seems to be impossible right now. I did apologize about the wall message through, through I don't know how much good that's done really. I know I have to respect her feelings and try to do things calmly - at least if I ever want her to come around and accept me that is, she's in the early process of this whole thing, while I have had months to deal with it and come to terms with it, so I can't blame her for reacting so poorly; I just wish that talking to her about it wasn't like talking to a brick wall. I can try through, and the fact that she has taken some kind of steps reassures me a little; I know that things could be worse after all.
