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Gay? Trans? Help.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BlueRazzberry, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. BlueRazzberry

    Regular Member

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    Hello! So, im a 22 year old male. I always grew up straight. I knew I was at least bi for a long time but ignored that for the most part since I didnt want or have to deal with it since I liked girls. Ive been in two long term relationships, 1 lasting 16 months and the other 25 months. I never grew up feeling really girly or anything but i was never a stereotypical boy. Never been into sports, cars, getting dirty, fishing, or anything like that. Theres always been times in my life, young and older, where i looked at girls and wanted to be as pretty as them. Ive tried members of my families clothes on. Ive never been comfortable with how I look and have had times where i hate my genitalia. Ive never liked it but its there and i deal with it. It doesnt bother me most of the time but thats probably because i dont think about it all the time.

    At 20, I was with my now ex in a long distance relationship, though we were together first. I started dressing up in girls clothes and wearing makeup in my room. I 'joked' with her about us both wearing a dress to our wedding. The night we talked about that was the last night i heard from her. It still hurts but i knew long before that i didnt want to be with her. I was already in the process of coming to terms with my sexuality. Im still not totally there but im becoming more familiar and comfortable with the idea.

    The more time goes on, the more these thoughts seem to plague my mind. I look at myself in the mirror and see a sad guy. Im feeling more trapped. I cringe seeing body hair on me. I shave my chest, face, upper legs, and now my arms. I dont always see myself as girly, but even when i dont, i see a girl wanting to be more of a tomboy that day. Ive had mini breakdowns over these feelings. When I think of how i want to look, i have a pretty clear image in my head. I think i know who i am but im scared of judgement and that will ultimately stop me from pursuing these feelings. Ive taken tests online and looked up different sexualities and gender identities and the closest ive come to relating with is a 4 on the kinsey scale and trans female. Although, i wish genders didnt matter so that i could possibly have an easier time with this. But even then, i have a desire to actually have breasts and a vagina. I always doubt myself and always have so i think of these and wonder if its just a phase. I dont feel like i even know who i am or what i want so its hard for me to know. But i know it makes me feel really comfortable and happy and free at the thought of it all. Thanks for reading.
    Im writing this as im getting ready for work so i may have forgotten something and everythings scrambled. So, my apologies. But thanks for sticking through it. :slight_smile:
     
  2. baconpox

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you hate your genitalia you're probably trans
     
  3. Posthuman666

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    Well, there are some things that could definitely indicate you being trans, or some other gender identity. Mini breakdowns, could definitely be a sign. If you have an overwhelming need to be female, or desire to lack masculine qualities and features, that sounds a lot like things I feel as a trans female. The genital issues is also a big sign. Wanting female genitalia is typically not something cis males desire.

    Now, there are other gender identities. If you haven't already, check out non-binary gender identities, and genders like genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, agender, etc. You just may find something you really connect with.

    Do you have gender dysphoria? Any kind of intense discomfort with your being male, and not female? Whether people seeing you as male, using male pronouns, or not liking, or even This is absolutely not something every transgender person experiences. And those who do experience it on different levels, and it fluctuates all the time. It just can be an additional indicator of possible transness.

    In the end, only you can tell your gender, nobody else, not a quiz, just you. Self discovery is not an overnight thing. All the best of luck.
     
  4. Art Vandelay

    Regular Member

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    I really connect with your story. From the age of 20 I thought I was gay. I grew up like a normal guy enjoying sport etc but I was never really interested in girls. Then just before my 24th I had an epiphany that I am Trans...that I am a woman trapped in a mans body and i felt so much fear but so much clarity at that moment. My dysphoria tends to be of s very sexual nature. I sometimes wish I had a vagina and boobs just to feel sexy and have the power over guys. Pronouns for me isn't the biggest deal. I'm also the same as you where I don't care for my penis but I deal with it. I doubt myself all the time, but for me I have found that reaching out and going out of your comfort zone really makes a big difference,. I feel a lot more confident now just from breaking out of the routine that I had associated with myself before I realised o was Trans. I also recommend seeing a therapist if you haven't yet. But yeah let's chat more on this if you want...we seem to be in similar positions.
     
  5. Summer Rose

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    Sounds very much like you are trans. You don't have to be feminine/stereo-typically female; just knowing you feel better imagining yourself as female is a good start. The best thing to do is start slowly and discreetly: practicing voice change and dressing up while you're alone.

    Besides that, I recommend seeking any gender therapist in your area, for advice and support.
     
    #5 Summer Rose, Aug 27, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2015