For the most part I do believe that I am transgender, be it full FtM or some form of transmasculine. I'm not really trying to pin an exact label on myself right now, but sometimes I have real doubts about if I am trans or not. I've been following the advice of people from other sites trying to figure it out. -Been wearing a binder, though I don't actually feel the need to. I don't like my boobs but I can deal with them, but a binder is so much better than having a wear a bra (at least in my opinion) -Been experimenting. Really the first thing I did was shave my hair off, I didn't want a pixie cut and didn't want to ask my hair dresser of four years to give me the exact hair cut of my brothers'. So I just shaved it off. Surprisingly I liked it, which is funny because I've spent most of my life resisting the idea of cutting my hair shorter than the top of my shoulders. -Been wearing more masculine clothes, which I've always wanted to do but never really had the courage. Even though my female clothes were rather androgynous I can't see myself going back to them. The thought of having to put back on the girl panties for my periods feels me with anxiety, though once they are on its not so bad and I just can't wait to get them off. -I haven't asked anyone to use male pronouns in real life wince I'm not out but I have been referring to myself as he/him in my head as well as trying to figure out a name (Kinda stuck on Vincent Alexander right now). I constantly misgender myself but I'm starting to find that I'm slowly getting unsettled by people referring to me with female pronouns. Its not anything major, I just seem to notice it more. The same goes with my female name. These are just some of the things I've done. But in my head I can think of so many reasons why I am not trans. I could list them but then you would be reading a book. I just didn't know as a kid, which I know is normal. I spent so much of my time wanting to be that girl. That pretty girl girl, but anytime I got near that I became annoyed and angry. The fact that I wanted to be a girl, that ran from any form of masculine me, is what really brings up that doubt. I tried so hard to act feminine. I told one of my friends I was questioning my gender and she said she could see it, that I had always come off as rather masculine to her. That made me feel a mix of things, but mostly I was thinking about how I had tried to act feminine and be a girl but I still came off masculine to others, but my brothers think I am to feminine to be one of the guys. And I feel comfortable hanging out with girls, that is another thing that bothers me. All my friends are girls, unless you count online friends who are mostly boys, and I feel awkward hanging out with guys outside my family. So much anxiety when that happens with me wondering if they'll like me, get a crush on me, what if they flirt with me and I miss it because I suck with social cues. But this only happens with straight boys and I the thought that they would like me (while flattering) isn't something I want. Yet I wish gay boys would like me, I know that is probably not a good thing nor does it make sense. But ever since I started questioning my gender I find myself wanting to be a girl less and less. Its like once I told myself I didn't have to fit in and be a girl I stopped wanting to be one at all. Sometimes I see a guy on TV and have to bite my tongue so that I don't say "I wish I looked like him" Even though I know it is easier and less dangerous to live as a girl I find that I can't stop constantly thinking about being a man. Its always there at the back of my mind and pops up at random times. But then I think about how I'm borderline autistic and perhaps all these gender things are just me getting stuff confused with that. Then I also constantly have this feeling of being immature. Like I'm stuck at 16, which is when hating myself really started. I hated my boobs and vagina but I was a girl and needed them to get boys to like me though I never seemed attracted to straight boys. By time I was 18 thought feelings had decreased a lot, which is another thing that concerns me. But yeah, I feel like I am mentally stuck at 16, like I haven't allowed myself to grow past that age, and the feeling that accompanies the age of 16 is feeling like I am a mix of two genders (it was how I felt back then and actually I use to wish I was intersex because that would of made so much fucking sense). Recently I do feel like my actual age at times but when I do feel 23 I feel very masculine and very much like a man. I know known of that makes sense. :/ I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Advice maybe. I want to come out to my family. Its not an issues about not being sure. Its more like I feel that by coming out I am asking for attention, perhaps assistance in transitioning to male, but I don't want either of these things. I want to be acknowledge but not much attention, and I know that the money isn't there for transitioning. I know a few members of my family will be supportive, but some will most certainly talk behind my back. I don't know, I guess I sound rather confused huh?
I can relate a lot to your experiences. I'm so close to coming out to my family (the letter is written, all I need to do is put in the address and push the button to send), and I'm scared. Once I started coming out to myself, it was like opening a door into this completely foreign concept - I don't have to conform, I can be truly myself, and actually like myself? What is this madness? At this point, I avoid almost everyone who knows my name (except my medical team, because I like being alive), just so I won't have to hear them calling me the wrong name. That's the main reason I want to come out to my family, so that I can use my chosen name at school and not have to worry about my family finding out from someone else first. Even this morning, while debating whether I should come out or not, I decided to put on my choir dress and see how I felt about that (damn, that is so not me), and then I put on my binder and my guys' clothes, and knew that I was dressed as myself. You may be confused (I know I am!), but gender is confusing. Just do you. And screw anyone who tries to tell you that they know you better than you know yourself.
I know exactly what you mean. I always wanted to be a boy growing up, but I never really questioned being a girl. I never felt right or really fit in. Kind of didn't know who I was at all. I figured that I'm just a butch lesbian, but lately it's more than that. Like you said, I notice pronouns and my name now. Just kind of throws me for a loop, or whatever that expression is. Today, I stood outside of the restrooms in the library and got so upset that I couldn't go into the mens' room. Felt totally out of place in the ladies' room. I can't even think of female clothes without panicking, and I've just started doing drag (male drag) and it feels so right. But, I'm a lesbian. I'm a strong, affirmed lesbian. No doubts in my mind. So, I figure that I'm gender fluid/bigender. I'm mostly identifying as a male at this point, but there is no way - NO WAY - that I can come out right now. The net is about all I've got. I was freaking out about my gender. For a month. Just sitting here, reading stuff, trying to put it together. But, I just stopped asking questions one day. "Gender fluid" came to my brain on its own. So, I'm rolling with that. Maybe at some point I'll know if I'm one or the other, but really I think that you should let things flow. Time tells all. And ThroughTheMist (Calling him Lex) said it better than I could: "Screw anyone who tries to tell you that they know you better than you know yourself"
It's kind of freaking me out reading your post, OP, because many of your thoughts and feelings are...jarringly familiar. I don't have much advice, except to consider asking close friends to try out pronouns and name (that has been one of the biggest, most comforting steps I've taken so far). Mostly, I just wanted to say--you're not alone. Good luck. Be strong. Be you. Try not to get hung up on labels. Everything is only temporary.
