My mother is trying to be a good ally but she's not doing a very good job. She uses language around me that is really uncomfortable and when I try to correct her, she defends herself and tries to tell me that a) her language wasn't incorrect and I shouldn't be uncomfortable or b) language shouldn't be such a big deal and I'm being too sensitive. Today she repeatedly referred to people being "really a girl" or "really a boy" to mean dfab and dmab. Then she called me someone who "wishes they were a boy". Plus, she thinks she's the expert on what trans people should and should not feel, so in addition to telling me that certain language shouldn't offend me, she'll tell me what should and should not make me dysphoric (apparently being deadnamed by people who've known me for a long time shouldn't be uncomfortable, being misgendered by her shouldn't hurt because she's trying, and wearing a sports bra instead of a binder shouldn't make me dysphoric because I'm "flat enough"). She doesn't accept criticism over any of these things and just gets defensive and tries to tell me why what she did wasn't wrong. This was more of a rant than anything else, but if any of y'all have any ideas of how I can properly communicate to her why this isn't okay, that'd be great.
I understand that she might not listen to you, but you could try to sit her down and explain to her that groups that aren't oppressed don't get to decide what is oppressive and what's not. She doesn't understand what it feels like when people use that kind of language, so try to explain how it feels for you. I hope I could help!
It took my parents a while to start taking what I said seriously about language after I came out as being transgender. It sometimes takes some time for people to be willing to listen. Until then, any time you correct them it will come across as a personal attack. It may be best to lay off correcting, and wait for her to be ready to learn more about things.
