I've been questioning lately, as a lot of you know. I'm probably at least masculine genderqueer, or something to that extent, maybe even trans. But I feel like every day I question, more things explain that this is real... -I always used to fit in with boys. As in, I didn't differentiate myself from them or feel alienated. We thought and played the same way, and when I was about 9 and they kicked me out simply for being female, I remember being heartbroken over the betrayal. -Binding. I feel so great when I do it, more confident and free feeling. When I don't bind, I feel really uncomfortable and it just feels wrong. I've had anxiety attacks before, panic attacks where I freak out because my chest isn't binded well enough and my shirt is too tight. I can't wait until I can get a real one. -Body shape. I don't like my curves one bit. I actually have a decent "shaped" body, and I hate it. When I wear tight clothes or pants that show off my shape, it feels strange. I look in the mirror and know my body isn't supposed to look like that. I wish my body was just flat and male looking. -Jealousy. Over the summer, I was starting to think maybe I was bi because I was noticing guys' looks for once. Then I realized I had no sexual attraction, I just wanted to be them, not be with them. -Video Games. I always played male characters in video games, and they would always star in my stories. I never thought much of it until recently. -Personality. I have an upfront, confident, direct personality most commonly associated with guys, while I am still kind and considerate. But unlike most girls I know, I'm not afraid to ask for what I want or speak out for myself. I would love input on my experiences and thoughts, to learn what it may mean for my gender. Thank you lovely people
No one can tell who you are but you. From what you've listed here, there could be a very decent chance of you being genderqueer or something else. I identify as a non binary trans girl, so my gender exists outside of the binary and cannot be confined to just female, but is comprised of mostly femininity. My point being, gender is always a spectrum, and there are so many identities out there, and so many you could be.
Some of this seems more based on stereotypes to me, but some of it does seem to point in the direction that you could be a different gender. I can relate to some of this stuff, like the points about body shape, or wishing to look like the guys. So you could be nonbinary or trans, but only you can say for sure what you are.
I know a bit of it sounds stereotypical, but it's honestly how I feel. I just don't feel comfortable in my body, and some of the stereotypes do come into play in other aspects. Don't worry, I know I don't necessarily have to have a lot of the gender expectations to be another gender, I thought it might be worth mentioning. Thanks for your advice! Any other advice?
I admit I do the same thing, I look for stereotypical behaviour in my past sometimes. What helped me figure out my gender was to experiment with different clothes and shorter haircuts, and trying to picture my life in the future, and thinking about what felt most comfortable and natural to me. I also thought about what my ideal body would be like.
My intent isn't to be harsh, but to get you to think: This, by itself, isn't really a great indicator. I get along with people, not genders, because there are those I mesh with and those I do not. Also, a lot of boys at that age see a female-bodied individual and act... all kinds of ways, usually immature and exclusive. But something you said, I'll get to in a minute... That is a better indicator, but it too brings up some considerations. This is where a lot of folks walk a thin line between self-perception and being transgender, and it is really noticeable in transmen. But I'll get to this more in a bit. This is telling. When you say that your body isn't supposed to look like that, is it how you feel or is it influenced by the sexualization of and towards female-bodied individuals? Whatever you answer, think on that. Be honest. I can relate. Well, to the envy part. I do like men sexually... anyway, is this how you feel or do you admire the privileges men seem to have? Many people do this. I have noticed that women often write more about men, because, sadly, males have more depth in entertainment. This is especially true in television and movies, so it only makes sense to find them more interesting. This is, as Acm said, stereotypes. I know cis-women who are as you describe, and they're still able to be women. I won't say you aren't transgender, and really I can't... that would be up to yourself and some professionals to reach a conclusion on. However, as I mentioned getting to, I have noticed many transmen (not authentic cases, mind you) seem to want to escape the sexualization of their sex, and want the privileges that may come with being male: What they have a problem with isn't their gender, it's the gender roles that society expects out of them. There's nothing wrong with exploring yourself, your style, your mannerisms, and so on and so forth. Just give it some thought, be honest, and don't jump on the first thing that may make sense. You're -- and I know you probably don't want to hear this -- at that age where, you are still forming your identity. So far, I'd say you're doing an exceptional job, as you are a lovely and sharp individual. Just keep exploring, discussing, and experimenting; you'll find answers, even if it isn't all of them.
