Hey, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here, but I have different problems now. Mainly, I've discovered that I may be genderfluid. It's not really been a happy revelation to me. I feel like I'm a fraud or else that I'll never truly feel comfortable in my body. I even feel like nobody could ever love me because of how confused I am. What I'm asking for is maybe some support from an older nonbinary person? I'm 18 but I still feel like a child. My whole identity feels like a complete mess and it'd help me a lot to hear from someone who's more sure of themselves. I really need some hope for the future right now because I feel like I don't have one.
I'm probably not the older genderfluid person you're looking for, but I will still tell you that there will be a bunch of people will love you, confused or not. There are and will be people who love you.
I might not be the older person you are looking for (especially as I'm new to discovering my gender identity myself), but I wanted to chime in. There's nothing wrong with being confused about who you are. In this society gender is viewed as a black-and-white binary, while it really isn't that. Scientists are even exploring the concept of it being on a spectrum; there are so many factors that affect one's experience of gender. All science aside, knowing who you are is a very personal thing. Therefore, your experiences, feeling, doubts, wonderings, etc. are just as valid as anyone else's. Only you can know and be yourself, even if that means being confused and unsure for a while! It's a process, and you have the right to go as slow or fast as you need to in order to become more aware of yourself and more comfortable. Why do you feel like a fraud? Are others' views making you think this? I'd be interested in hearing more about why you feel this way, if you think it'd be helpful for you to share. I've recently discovered that I probably am gender fluid, and one of my firsts thoughts was that I was just making it up because hardly anyone knows what gender fluidity is, and it's hard to find "official" validation of it. But I realized that I feel how I feel, and that is okay. My struggle and feelings are as valid as anyone else's. Society can be incredibly limiting, and that totally sucks! But it is more rewarding to challenge "norms" and express oneself than it is to stick to the "norm" and try to adhere to stereotypes and expectations. Easier said than done for sure, but being yourself is the best thing you can do! In the interest of not writing a novel that may or may not be confusing, I'll leave it at that for now. (*hug*)
I'm thankful for the support c: it's hard to find support for such an odd 'problem' i guess? When I say I feel like a fraud, it's specific to the circumstance. When my gender shifts to something aside from my ASAB, it's painful and depressing but I know I'm not making it up. When it shifts back to my ASAB, I forget how it feels to be so uncmfortable and I wonder if I made the whole thing up after all. It's really just a vicious cycle, and it feels like it'll never end. It's getting to be exhausting and I feel like I'm going insane haha
I relate so much to what you're describing, honestly. But I can assure you (as a person in a relationship coming up to 5 and a half years with the most understanding and generally amazing girlfriend I could ever ask for) that you are not remotely unlovable. There are plenty of people out there in the world who can and will love you for exactly who you are. It sounds like you have a harder time of it than me when it comes to the matter of gender - I'm lucky enough for most of my experience of dysphoria to be really low-key and fairly rare. But when it's not low-key, it can be really distressing...until I feel comfortable in myself again, and suddenly I'm convinced I'm obviously a sham because I feel 100% alright at that moment. So yeah, much like the above repliers, I'm probably not the older genderfluid person you're looking for (especially when I don't even ID as genderfluid!) but I want to offer some reassurance that it does get a lot easier. Most of the time these days I feel secure in my ambiguous, fluctuating sense of gender, and I just do what feels right for me at any given time. It feels a lot better than endlessly agonising about my motives for doing what I'm doing. I wish you all of the luck in coming to accept your gender's fluidity, and if you ever want to talk about it (or just chat in general) my wall is always there.
