Alright so just as a quick back story I'm a 20yo Trans girl. My mom is probably (legitimately) mentally unstable and has always been at the edge. She is extremely against me and is excruciatingly rude (the kind term for what she does) to my dad and both of my sisters because they are "supportive." Because of this i kind of just ignored her, and I've been living on my own a while now. Now for the issue. This has started to occur and I'm not entirely sure how to handle my feelings about it. The example that happened today was that a group of people were going to go hang out at one of my friend's houses. He is college age (like everyone else that was going) and I've known him and been over to his house on occasion. Well im not entirely sure what was said but basically I can't go due to my trans status (he lives with his parents). What bugs me specifically is the fact that my friend apparently was unable to take a stand. I mean this is a 20 something year old guy that is apparently unable to stand up to an authority figure. Understandably I have never had problems standing up to authority figures; and the "authority" they "have" I view as very much artificial. So now I'm sitting here feeling kind of lonely and just realizing that I now think of him as weak for not being able to handle it. Especially considering the reprocussions for taking a stand are almost non-existant in this particular instance. I don't necessarily want to feel that way, but I kind of do. Realize that this is someone I've known, helped out, and been supportive and kind to for the last 2 years. Has anyone else had this problem? Whether or not you have, any advice for what I should do would be very much appreciated. Should I feel bad for feeling this way? Am I justified in my feelings or are they kind of illogical? Basically he's an adult that isn't acting like an adult... and I'm annoyed at him for not acting like it; which makes me annoyed at myself for feeling this way; and in turn kind of not acting like an adult and just dealing with the behavior of others... any help at all would be appreciated... Quote from him: Hey Zoe! We just finished. But I talked with my parents and they don't feel comfortable with you coming over. I'm sorry.
Total bullshit. Its his friendship, not his parents. He could have stood up to them. Im sorry you had to deal with that.
If he was a true friend, he would have stood up to his parents and told them it's not up to them. You should definitely confront him about this. Of course, there is always the possibility that he did speak up to his parents about this, and they get the better hand and told him they weren't comfortable with you coming over, so keep that in mind when asking him about this.
I've gone through a very similar situation once. My best friend has incredibly conservative parents who knew me before my transition and the only way I could visit her house was to hide back in the closet. She never had the courage to mention that her best friend is transgender to her parents. I ended up never going to her house after my transition because I really can't deal with the masquerade all over again. First, I just want to say that I in no way condone the actions of your friend's parents. Are they intolerant buttholes? Certainly, but that doesn't necessarily mean your friend is at fault for what they think. Remember, he's living in his parents' home, which means his parents legally own the house. He can't make them invite anyone they don't want onto their own property. He already had a discussion with his parents about it and they, as the intolerant buttholes, have made a decision to not allow you in their house. The fact that he already talked with them about it implies it's nigh unlikely that they'll be changing their minds no matter how much he argues. And suppose for a moment that he DOES 'stand up to them' and invite you over anyway, what then? Not only will the whole situation be awkward and uncomfortable, as legal owners of the house, his parents would have full authority to call the police on you for trespassing. I know the situation sucks, but sadly even bigots have rights over who can set foot in their property. It's perfectly understandable for you to feel mad at your friend, but it's important to understand that he doesn't really have any power over this particular situation. Instead, maybe you can suggest hanging out somewhere else next time? It's always better to make positive changes rather than concentrating on the negative aspects that you can't control.
