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Long and confusing story...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by TempUsername3, Sep 7, 2015.

  1. TempUsername3

    Regular Member

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    Let's start from the beginning.

    Growing up I'd always wanted to be a boy. Wear boys clothing, do "boy" stuff, hang out with boys. I'd always thought this was because the heavy influence of 3 older brothers whom I got along with quite well.

    Growing up in a heavily religious household [shout out to all the other pastor's kids on EC. I know how y'all feel.] I always did what I was told but my parents were quite relaxed, dresses on special church days, funerals, weddings, etc. and I could pretty much wear whatever I wanted the rest of the week without much of a fuss until high school. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being like my sisters and wanting to wear dresses or play with a Barbie.

    As a kid, I had no idea about gender and sexuality or that there were words for them other than just "gay" [Christian school and a pair of super religious parents, amirite?] . I got through middle school to junior high with a huge crush on 2 of my female teachers and a handful of other girls up until 2 years into high school in a new country, I learned there was a label for me. Lesbian. I didn't identify openly with it until after I'd graduated. Then the question that plagued my mind so much when I was younger came back under the light. Did I think I was a boy? I thought about this heavily, compared myself to my brothers and my dad. Contrasted myself against my sisters.

    The next 2 years after high school I was rediscovering myself, I found a whole new taste in music, clothing, friends. I was enjoying a lot more feminine clothing but at the same time I was still enjoying masculine clothing. I joined an LGBTQIA+ group catered to Asians which was perfect for me [I'd been struggling with my Asian and LGBT identity ever since moving to this country in high school.]. I was starting to learn about gender and sexuality and I was meeting these friends who helped me to feel good about being Asian. I was starting to fit in.

    Until a couple months ago, when I came out to my father. He wasn't angry or sad but seemed to be genuinely thinking about everything and considering it all. Then he hit some weird moment of "Oh no, boys at your age have cooties and its normal for girls not to like them." except I was a few weeks shy of 19, not 9, and I didn't dislike boys, I just wasn't attracted to them. He then settled to say it was a choice and that even he [at one point] thought guys could be attractive. After a whole bunch of tears from me, he told me we would have to continue another time and left but not before giving me the first huge we'd ever shared in 7 years [No exaggeration, I'd grown up with hugs and kisses before bed but then somewhere along the line I became some angsty teenager and hated being in the same room as my dad]. The next month after that, our house was filled with cameras for a documentary on my family's life and religion. Which I felt was the only reason he didn't kick me out [needed us to be a happy family for once.] my siblings all started coming home and we started being a family again [Which hadn't happened since we'd moved overseas the second time. Missionaries kids, what can I say, we move a lot.] I chose this time to come out to 2 of my brothers and my cousin whilst we were all drinking and also with a camera in the room. [Might put up snippets of the video sometime]. They took it well.

    A couple days after the cameras left, my dad asked me to move into the church as a full time member. This meant 6am prayers, long bible study lectures, witnessing to strangers and basically devoting my life to a religion that didn't agree with my existence. I agreed because it wasn't phrased as a question. It was a demand. I made the best of it, I took up gardening at the church and helped out with the youth projects, I paid my best attention in lectures. I wasn't going to be bitter about everything, I knew where my dad was coming from but part of me was still angry because every day was a slow step back into the closet as my roommates spat their disgust for all secular things. At one point, I discovered my church has conversion therapy camps. This discovery left me sick to my stomach. I was out to most of my church friends and all of my school friends at the time but this wasn't something I felt like I could talk about with them so I felt isolated.

    Eventually, my dad asked me to come home but only because things between my little sister and my parents had deteriorated to the point where she'd spend days away from home. [He asked me to come back because my sister had argued that there was no point in coming home if she had nothing to do there.]. We haven't discussed my sexuality since.

    Now a month ago, I decided to wear a dress which I thought looked really good [caught the eyes of many that night including one old white man my friends nicknamed pedo pete 2 years ago, I didn't properly understand until now. I wish I had photos but I was too busy that night.] I put on high heels and a nice necklace to match. All for a church event. It was my first time feeling super good about myself in a dress [other than when my mother would put me up in a kimono to rep our family at Cultural day at school or church showcases of our cultural spread.]

    Now to last week Wednesday, I was talking to a friend via skype and I told her how some days, I feel like a boy and some days I feel like I'm a girl and how it was all so confusing for me and that I thought I could be genderfluid, to which she replied "Yeah, I thought about you being genderfluid. I was just going to wait for you to figure it out yourself." and then she went on to say "I can start using the pronouns 'they/them/their' for you, I've been practicing!" [This is because I had a non binary partner and it took her a while to adjust to the pronouns] I thought this was a cute gesture but I'm not quite at that level yet. The thing is, even when people misgender me, I've never really cared. My parents have cared more than I ever possibly could. I don't bother to correct people when they say "Hey, you're such a helpful young man." or "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me how to get to the train station?" Sometimes it actually makes me feel bubbly inside.

    So after that long, semi-pointless story, I have a couple questions: Could I be genderfluid? Is there some label that would fit better for me? [I only believe in labels as a quick intro to who I am. Kinda like instead of saying "Pass the Raspberry/Strawberry/Plum jam", I just say "Pass the jam!"]
     
  2. Oddsocks

    Full Member

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    It certainly sounds like you could be! I'm not the best person to give label advice (most of how I describe my gender identity these days primarily involves vague wiggly hand gestures), but if genderfluid is a label you gel with, go for it.

    There's also genderqueer, if that's your deal. I ID'd as genderqueer for quite a while before retiring from labels, I find it to be a nice and fairly non-specific label with a lot of wiggle room. Bigender could also work, if you feel like you alternate between two distinct genders.

    I'm really sorry about how your dad reacted to your coming-out, by the way. That sounds awful. I get that heavily religious people sometimes struggle to wrap their heads around stuff, but I wish that didn't have to get in the way of being supportive of their own family.

    I definitely relate to a lot of what you describe when it comes to gender, especially the reaction to being misgendered - I tend to just roll with it, always have, and often I feel pretty stoked that someone read me as male. (Although I don't recall any desire to be male in my childhood - mainly I just was apathetic towards the concept of being female, haha. I was never a feminine kid.)

    My advice is to go with whatever label you feel most comfortable with personally - don't worry too much about 'accuracy' - if it's close enough, and you feel chill describing yourself that way, go for it. These days people have divided gender and sexuality descriptors into so many labels and sub-labels that trying to find the one that is most right is...weirdly difficult. (Which is why I've given up, haha.)

    Good luck figuring things out, and my wall's always open if you feel like talking gender, or just talking in general. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Oddsocks, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  3. TempUsername3

    Regular Member

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    Thanks for replying. I think I'll stick to genderfluid, it feels like the best fitting. I feel so much closer to figuring myself out.