Transitioning in a conservative workplace

Hello and welcome to EC.

As to your question, while I haven't come out in the workplace, I understand how that can be stressing.

First and foremost, I'd say to only come out if it's safe to do so. If you say you're in a male-dominant, conservative work environment, this could be risky for you - not only on a financial level, but on a physical one.

Take your time, this isn't a competition or a race, so there's no need to rush. Figure yourself out and begin experimenting. I'd only come out, personally, if I was absolutely sure and confident in my identity and also comfortable with the people at my work, knowing I'd be safe and all.

Also, look into your company's policies regarding discrimination and which minorities are protected. It would be a big plus if the company protected people "regardless of gender identity" but this is unfortunately rare to find.

If you're keen on coming out, though, find allies who will support you. If you have friends at this job, come out to them first. Build a net of support so if things go south, you won't be alone (and others many stand up for you).

Best wishes to you.

 

While technically I'm protected under the law... i need to get tenure for no loopholes to be present when I come out at work.

I am a teacher... so I could use advice as well. But mine is... stay on task, do well and please your boss and customers.

 

So full disclosure, ...

you know what skip to the bold text.

But so you understand my story. I left my job. It was more over work related issues and friction between my day job and the business I am trying to start than anything, my being trans wasn't why. I was increasingly frustrated, my job was rapidly becoming less rewarding, I was turning down lucrative opportunities... I could go on and on, it was a great place to work, but I was one of a lot of people that left the company at the same time. We - ha I still say we, I really loved it there - were bought out by another company, and resisted pressure from them as long as we could, and it finally came downhill and drowned us.

Anyway. I mention it because although my experience was mostly positive, part of why I left did have to do with how frustrated I was with certain aspects of my transition. So you know what they are, there was a lot of "red tape", things like EO training being necessary before I took certain steps. I wanted to work with them, and they were only sticking to the plan we came up with, but when my circumstances changed - getting my fingerprints back from the FBI to change my name took literally 9 months and delayed my court date three times - they were inflexible. Which is pretty par for the course; their general inflexibility and making me wait months and months for a no answer...

... well anyway that won't help you. Sorry I talk a lot. I just didn't want to give you the impression that I am a success story. I did come out to a LOT of people at work, in a conservative environment, and people generally knew I was trans. But I did not successfully transition at work.

So to answer your question I would start with a single friend. Someone you really trust, and like, that likes you. Someone that, if things don't go well, doesn't generally gossip about anything. Find a funny way to address it. Write it out in e-mail so you can revise it a bunch and control the message. And when you're ready, take a deep breath and hit send. E-mail is permanent, so you can't take it back. You are on the roller coaster from then on.

I really have found that is the most effective way to come out. Eventually this WILL work. You will have some people at work that know about you, which will be SUCH a relief every single time you come in. They will probably use your old name and gender, that's okay. They may make an effort to use your new one in private conversation, they may not. But one way or the other, you will not have to live a double life around someone at work. You will have support.

And then when you're more comfortable, when you know it's not a big deal, and they know you give good work and are generally cool, just start opening up to more people. It's hard to find natural opportunities to do this of course. Because NO ONE likes talking about their personal life at work. This is more than that, of course, your transition definitely affects how you do your job. But it still feels awkward. Just be patient. The opportunities will come.

One other thing I do, is I have a LinkedIn account under my new identity. I think that is a terrific low key way to come out. You can present yourself professionally and really look sharp there. You are in full control of your presentation. People can see you, the real you, there, and decide whether to keep in contact through LinkedIn or not, either way they know.

Just keep it slow and small. One person at a time. Build up support. And eventually, it won't matter to you or anyone that you are trans, no matter how conservative the workplace is. And keep doing your job.

One big thing. Don't feel like "you have to do your job perfect or you'll be fired", that was my mistake. Really, that will just make you look nervous and like you have something to hide. Instead, fall in love with what you do for a living.

And give yourself little reasons to motivate yourself to come back to work. I mean don't go this far, I'm thinking things like a candy bar in your desk, but when things got real bad after the corporate - please pardon my language here, I have very strong feelings about this - bullshit started rolling downhill and affecting us, I used to go so far as to leave my medicine in my desk. I'd definitely go back for that. All I'm saying is, give yourself little treats and rewards for coming back to work.

If you love what you do, and other people are cool with you, that's the ticket to success.