Doubt is always once of those things that we trans people deal with. Today I have found yet another reason for doubt, at the same time I am not to worried about it. Simply put I have being dealing with dysphoria lately, which has cemented more and more the fact that I am trans. Then, today, I get up and get ready to go to the Comic-con my little city had. The whole time I was hanging out with my friend there I didn't notice much dysphoria at all. I was enjoying myself. I did have the occasion of feeling envious of some guys beards wishing I could achieve such epicness. I also got kind of worried when I had to talk to someone I didn't know because I currently look like a mix of a guy and girl, but I found that if I stopped worrying about it and just let people see as they want to I wasn't to bother anymore. I guess the doubt comes into play when I think back on it. Like if I was trans shouldn't I feel like it at all times? Shouldn't large crowds and the thought of people seeing me as a girl worry me. Certainly I felt like them seeing me as a girl was lying on my part, but at the same time I felt the same if they had seen as a boy. I constantly feel that because I am not dysphoric in social settings that I can't truly be trans. I know that isn't true, but its how I feel. Once me and my friend had left the con I could feel the sense of maleness sweeping in, starting seeing myself more and more as the gay best friend. And when I am completely alone by myself it seems to be all I can focus on, not being male but wishing I was. It can be rather confusing, huh.
As someone who has spent far too much time alone and far too little with people, when you are having fun or spending time with people you have good relations with, you tend to think less on life's issues, but when you are alone, you spend far too much time thinking. With no other distractions it can be very easy to turn your thoughts to the negative side of things.
Yeah, and I have way to much time alone. I just end up thinking about it all day, at least when I am around people (other than my family) I am distracted. Around my family I just think about how I need to tell them. I know I am trans but when I think about coming out I feel silly and sometimes guilty. Whenever it comes to something i really want, liking going to a certain college or buying this or transitioning I find I can't tell my family about. I know that if they don't accept the idea and try to talk me out of it because I always want their acceptance. I always make myself unhappy just to make sure I don't appear like a fool to them. But it is so hard to imagine living as a girl, every time ibthink of the future I know I will be a man.
