I need some advice on coming out as androgynous to my parents. Especially my dad. He is and always will be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Christian, republican and a strict traditionalist (and, worst of all, a Trump supporter). He's convinced that anyone who isn't cisgender is "mentally ill." He thinks that gender is made up. Every time I try to explain the difference between sex and gender to him, he starts yelling at me and telling me I'm brainwashed by society. I know he's wrong about all of it! I can't even imagine his reaction about my gender identity. Should I even tell him? He's bound to find out eventually. He's the reason I haven't been dressing the way I want, and I finally worked up the courage to cut my hair short and start binding my chest. Today I bound my chest for the first time, and something about it felt right. It was like I didn't have to conform to anything anymore. But I don't think he'd ever understand. Should I keep it all a secret from my family?
I won't say I'm going through the same deal as you but I will say that I haven't spoken to my parents about my gender either. My dad has strongly voiced his opinions against Cait Jenner but at the same time he's voice understanding that some people are their chosen gender (ftm, inbetween, fluid, mtf, etc.) without questioning them. The best advice I can give you right now is to test the waters a little. Use known examples as a gateway to prompt up to "Well what if someone you knew was ___?" It's a really effective way to judge how they will react to you. That being said my own experience with telling my parents is non-existent as I haven't told them.
I feel like it will be better if you tell them before they find out for themselves, ie, noticing how you choose to dress and act and correlating them to being androgynous. Chances are they are more likely to be accepting, if not at first but maybe further down the road, if you tell them instead of waiting for them to find out. In terms of being accepting, when I came out to my dad, he basically said that I shouldn't pursue transition and that I was making a mistake. He did however say that he would accept my decision to transition since I am over 18 and he didn't have the support of his parents through a lot of what he went through at my age, so he said he wouldn't disown me or anything like that. He still loves me and we talk on a semi regular basis. It was my mom that was more of the curveball. She reluctantly accepted me, but at the same time she said that I shouldn't undergo transition since she felt like I was just going through a phase and it would pass. She said these things since I was very careful to hide the fact that I wanted to be girl ever since I was five and didn't wear girls clothes in front of her, openly play with dolls in front of her, or even mention that I was a girl in front of her. I feel that she is still in denial that I am a trans woman, however she wants to be as accepting of me as she can be. She is at least trying, which is more than I can say for my dad. I do think you should follow ghostpepper's advice. I would also like to mention that generally speaking with other trans women and trans men, the mother tends to be more likely to be accepting of it than the father. If you feel like your mom won't tell your dad and you feel that she might be accepting of you, I would try telling her first since you seem uneasy about telling your dad. If she is supportive, you at least have a fallback and an advocate when you do decide to tell your father. Hell, she may even help you with telling your dad and give you pointers on how to give him the news in the best way possible. Just my thoughts on the situation. My advice is to try not to wait too long because if you really want to be out about who you are, if you are a minor which it sounds like you are, you need to get one of your parents on your side before moving forward. Some of what you are doing you can hide easily, but it will definitely be easier with the support of a parent. Hope I helped. From the ravings of a mad trans woman, with love and hugs, (*hug*) Alice
If you are dependent on your parents, and you think there is any chance they will react badly enough to kick you out or cut you off, don't come out. It's not worth it. Getting a haircut and dressing masculinely doesn't necessarily mean he'll find out. Most people don't look at masculine afab people and assume they're trans. He might assume you're a lesbian, which wouldn't be great either given that he's homophobic, but might not be as bad. If you don't think he'd kick you out or cut you off, then go for it, if you feel comfortable doing so. The sooner he knows, the sooner he'll get over it.
