Genderfluid dysphoria

I am female bodied but have felt since I was in middle school that I am both male and female. Regardless of the particular "head space" I am in (which varies, along with how I want to present), I am usually conscience of both the feminine and masculine aspects of myself. However, in spite of this self awareness, I am constantly fearful and insecure about presenting as either very feminine or very masculine.

I have mostly presented as androgynous throughout my life because I feel like a fake when I present as anything else. Although I am female bodied, I am coming to realize that I definitely have some dysphoria related to being female.

I am very tall for a woman, with a large frame that includes broad shoulders. I prefer my hair short. I have always disliked makeup as a societal construct that teaches women they aren't beautiful naturally. And I rarely shave my legs.

This is in contrast to the part of me inside that feels like a very petite, ultra feminine woman. I have not been able to reconcile my body with how I feel inside in regards to the girly girl side of myself.

At the same time, my body (other than my breasts and hips) feels more suited to the masculine side of me. Though I do not work out, I am naturally strong. And my height, build, and appearance often have me being called "sir". Ironically, it bothers me a lot to be called sir when I am feeling feminine on the inside.

I feel stuck in this limbo of androgyny as far as how I present. I very much want to revel in the very feminine side of myself...and the more masculine side. But those aspects feel so at odds...and scary for some reason.

Has anyone else had a similar sense of dysphoria? Or dealt with the same at odds feelings regarding presentation?

When I go shopping and look in the women's section...I feel like a fraud. When I go shopping and look in the men's section...I feel like a fraud. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. I want to enjoy all the aspects of who I am. I want to be fully me, without this internal battle.

Has anyone else gone through this? And if so, do you have any advice?

 

Anyone?

 

I am on an excursion right now looking at clothes, trying to be kind to myself and give myself some time to experiment without judgment. And frankly it's excruciating.

I'm looking at both women's and men's clothes. And there is a war raging in my head. My heart is racing, I'm anxious, and jumpy. About the time I've talked myself down into a calm and comfortable place and start to feel good about exploring my gender expression something happens to start it all over again...like the very rude little girl who told me "excuse me BOY" while I was looking in the women's section. It was hard not to start crying.

I'm trying again in a different store. I really want to find some clothes I like, and have an opportunity to try them on and just see how I feel wearing them in the dressing room.

 

At the second store I focused on how I am feeling today, which is feminine, and only looked at women's clothes. I was able to shop with more peace inside and finally found a couple of tops to try on. It felt odd, but good to look at myself in the mirror.

Then I went into the bra section where a woman flinched when she saw me and quickly went the opposite direction, as if I were a snake about to bite her. And when I came out of the dressing room in that area, a woman coming in looked up as if to reassure herself that she was in the right place. I kept getting looks from the other women. And it made me want to scream with fury...I. Am. A. Woman. Too!!!!

So, I feel success in actually taking this step. But mixed results in the stores themselves. It was hard, and will probably continue to be so. But small steps are still steps.