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Not sure about myself?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by bluebunny, Sep 21, 2015.

  1. bluebunny

    Regular Member

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    Hello. I joined this place to hopefully get some help and figure out what's going on here. I'm male and pansexual, and I'm out to everyone at the moment. My family is accepting and things are okay on that side. But I'm unsure about these feelings that have recently come up. My body is pretty large I would say. I'm 5'10'' and 210 lbs. I have always dismissed thoughts in my head of what my ideal body would be like because I always felt like I would never be comfortable as long as I was this large. In a perfect world, I would want to be shorter, petite, and...well this is where I'm confused.

    I would say "female"...but I am comfortable as a male. I don't feel like I have the wrong "parts" and I'm comfy where I am. But at the same time my ideal self is a small female...now previously whenever I got these thoughts, I would just ignore them because I'm comfy where I am and I couldn't look female if I wanted anyways. But I saw a picture of myself from a few years ago. In it I was younger, and very thin compared to now...and it had some filter on it, and I realized that I could probably pass as female in that picture. This has restarted my interest in maybe changing how I look on the outside. My close friend has also told me I look feminine in the past but I always brushed it off as just saying things to make me smile or something. So now I think I could look female if I want.

    The main part is that I'm completely confused about what's going on. I'm okay with my body now but ideally I would look completely female...and some parts of me kind of wants to be female too? But at the same time I'm comfortable as a male. So I don't understand what my brain wants! I was thinking about researching things like maybe makeup or how to look more feminine...because I may experiment with things and see how I look...but I'm not sure about all these feelings. Another part that bothers me is since I feel comfortable being male, I feel like wanting to look female is insulting to transgender people who have the dysphoria and who don't feel "right" on the inside. I feel like it is rude to want something like that without feeling like I actually "need" it, if that makes sense?

    I hope this all made sense and that someone understands and could maybe help explain what's going on. Thank you for reading, have a nice day.
     
  2. baconpox

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    You can want to look female without being transgender. There are a lot of guys who want to look really feminine but are not transgender. It's totally normal. Try crossdressing, maybe?
     
  3. confusedforever

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    I think you need to differentiate between wanting to be feminine and wanting to be perceived as a female. Which one does it feel like? If it's the first one, I agree with baconpox. But if it's the latter, you might wanna look into the term bigender? If you're comfortable as a male but also be comfortable as a female, why no both lol
     
  4. Null

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    Baconpox is right, wanting to look "female" doesn't really mean you're transgender. You can do those things you wanted to try, like wearing makeup and try crossdressing. I've known of some trans girls who started as crossdressers, and then realized they were acually trans.

    Please don't worry about it, the gender identity journey is a confusing one, and it's okay to experiment!
     
  5. bluebunny

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    Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm going to experiment with things in the coming days/weeks and I guess we'll see what I feel.