Hey everyone. First I want to give a positive reaction for the site concept, it's just amazing. But, i came here because I have a problem. It looks complicated to me, so I will be thankful if you can give me some advice/comments about this situation. I was born as a boy. My parents told me that I always wanted to play with the 'boys stuff': with appropriate toys, to play the war, and It looks like that I were cis at that point; I were completely satisfied with my childhood, watching the pictures of myself I've always seen me as a happy little boy. But when I were at the age of 5 i remember my grandma dressed me in her night dresses because I wanted it , and i'm being interested in cosmetics for a short period of my life. I played with both girls and boys as i remember till my 11 years. But after that, everything started to change, little by little. First, I started making friendships only with the girls, because it makes me comfortable. The situation culminated at the age of 13/14: I were so unsatisfied with whole myself, wanted to have a breasts and get the rid of penis. I slept pushing my penis between my legs just to feel that i don't have it. I felt ashamed appearing in that 'shape' to the other people. My toughs were just girly, i really did not understand the boys and do did not feel satisfied and comfortable when I'm in the companion of boys/mans. I'm sexually and emotionally into males, but i've never felt that I am attracted to the 'same gender'- because, as I sad, I didn't see me as a part of the males world. So, let's go to this point. Now I'm 20. I feel strong relation to the girls, but i feel that i'm starting to love my body, and i were made an experiment forcing me to 'think' like a boy, making a friendship with males. But it makes me very unsatisfied, anxious and I can't rationally think. My mind just can't take it and started to going crazy. On the other side, I don't want to be anatomically girl now. I'm happy using the male pronouns. It's just so confusing. I just think like a girl and seeing things in that perspective, imagining me wearing a girl clothes etc. but I'm not sure do i want to be a girl. In real life, I prefer short hair, no use of cosmetics. Also when I'm speaking and presenting me to other people I feel myself, don't know how to say, in some man way. (but I'm not sure am I forcing myself because I'm so scary appearing feminine in a homophobic/transphobic background) I know I'm so contradicted,that clash makes me feel so confused and questionable. Thanks for the answers (*hug*)
I'm kind of the same... but in a reversed sense. Growing up I used to always play with boy toys, dress like a boy, heck, I had most of the people in my neighborhood convinced I WAS a boy. All my best friends are boys, and for a while I thought that meant i was trans-gendered. I have since come to realize that, despite all this, I love being a girl. Our society is so focused on gender roles, that we begin to believe that we HAVE to be a girl to like girl things, or vice versa. Being trans-gendered means you want to be a girl, physically a girl, it doesn't mean you are a guy who likes girl things. I feel this is where so many people go wrong, they get surgeries and everything done, not because they want to change genders, but they feel they have to in order to justify their likes or interests. If you want to be a girl, than you are trans-gendered, if you like things or a lifestyle that society has labeled as "feminine" You aren't (necessarily) Hope I helped ^)^
Lunarchy is right in the sense that gender expression of the opposite sex does not indicate that you are trans. However, gender dysphoria does and your statements that you felt uncomfortable with your body to such an extent that you slept in a certain position and that you felt that you are going crazy when you tried to adopt masculine mannerism strongly point to you being trans. Outside of the last few lines your story sounds like the story of many trans women that I know of. Search inside and figure if you really are happy being seen as a male for the rest of your life, what's holding you back from transitioning, fears and doubts or just an inner feeling that you are male and not female. Doubts are normal and part of the process of transitioning is to accept yourself for who you are.
