A few pretty important questions

First of all, let me just say that these answers are my own personal thoughts and opinions. I, like you, am still in the beginning stages - I guess you can call them that - and I'm looking at similar questions. I might be wrong in places, or someone else might know a better way.

-Parents, some of them anyway, have this habit of thinking they're always right because they're older and they're your parents so obviously they know better. This is bullshit. Sure, there are some things they know better than you, but knowing you better than you is not one of them and you are more than free to tell them to shut it. If you're like me and you can't bring yourself to do that because you don't want to upset them or they make you so angry you just can't form the appropriate words, then you just gotta ignore them for a while. Walk away, man, and then later, when you're calmer and you feel it's right or you need to, tell them you're your own person and you don't have to like or do things just because it's 'what girls do'. Because that is also bullshit. Girls (and guys, but just for the sake of the 'you're a girl' argument families like to throw at us) can do whatever they want. And not do whatever they want.

-I don't have an Underworks binder, I'm actually in the process of getting a gc2b binder, but I hear something about hand washing them. I don't know.

-I avoided formal school functions by just not buying the tickets. When my mum asked about me not going to proms, I truthfully told her I didn't want to go and I didn't want to wear a dress. That's all I had to say. Proms here in England aren't as big a deal as in America, but still pretty big in general, but she didn't care. When my brother went to his two years later and he bought a very expensive suit, I think Mum was actually glad I didn't go to mine while I wished a suit had been an option for me.

-Just using cash to buy clothes is perfectly fine, it's what I do. But if you don't want your parents to see until you already have them because they'll ask questions, I suggest making sure they're not home before you get in.

-I can't really answer this one. We don't have Driver's Ed in England. To change our gender markers and such, we need a letter from a therapist saying we're transgender and we send it and we pay to have it changed. At least, that's what the GIC website says. You'll have to find out what your state says on the subject.

-From what I'm aware, in America you can go on T as a teenager as long as you have perental consent. If you don't have their consent or you don't want them involved, you gotta wait till you're eighteen. You'll have to look up Virgina specifically for age and cost.

-Top surgery, I imagine, makes eighteen the youngest age because it's a pretty big procedure. Some doctors want you on T first, some don't. Price will depend on the doctor and your insurance.

-To transition in school and use different bathrooms and such, is there a guidance counsellor you can talk to or your headmaster (principal?)? Someone you can discuss things with will be a huge help. I hated being called my full name, thankfully it could be shortened to a gender neutral version without being questioned. I made it clear I only answered to the shortened version. Can you do that for now? Or, if you talk to a teacher, could you use your chosen name?

-To change your name, like your gender marker, you'll have to look up the laws for your state.

-In the mean time, you just gotta keep busy; find hobbies that you enjoy and will distract you, plan your transition in stages, like goals, so you know that one day they'll happen, get things like clothes gradually.

Man, I am impatient as fuck and I know it sucks to wait. You just gotta know that it will happen.

I hope any of this helps.

 

1. When I come out to my parents if they do that I'll try to just sit them down and just tell them they can't change it and whether they like it or not it's not up to them ( as politely as possible) and if they don't get the point I'll just tell them to f*** off and stop responding of they don't call me by my name. (This is just me it won't go over well with many parents)

2. I don't know about binders

3. Just don't buy a ticket or just don't tell your parents about it

4.cash is fine, it doesn't leave a trail all you have to do is ditch e receipt and make sure your parents aren't home when you get there with them.

5.if it's the same in America as it is in canada the you have to renew it every couple years but they have to put you biological gender (until you finish transition) and legal name so you can't change that until you legally change them and that's a whole bother problem on its own (takes forever and is a royal pain in the a**)

6. Anything that has to do with transitioning like hormones and sugary you have to talk to a gender therapist so they can help you through the legal hoops that you need to go through that were put there by old cis politicians to "make sure you're trans enough"

7. I don't know about school cause I've yet to do anything yet for myself, but I'm in college so I have a bit more leeway than you, other then dress and bind I don't think you really can until you can get your parents to help you.

Hope I was able to help. If you ever wanna chat my walls always open. Good luck (*hug*)

 

Let's start from the beginning.

Parents: This can be a mixed bag. Sometimes they come around quick, others need more time. If you've tried reasoning with them or talking to them about it (even with all the resources you can provide), it might be best to bite your tongue and try to brush it off, unless you're able to go to a gender therapist and have them talk to your parents. I know my mom was so ridiculously stubborn about my situation a few years ago, but she's been coming around and doesn't really gripe about my transition anymore.

For blocking it out, try to find something to distract you and possibly help you vent. I found that writing helped me got to clear my mind and anger a lot, which helped me work things out in the form of poetry.

Binders: With an Underworks binder, the website says how to. Wash it in cool water, and then let it air dry. You could even handwash it if you're extra worried. If you're binder isn't white, avoid bleach and don't put it in the dryer (if you can avoid it) and absolutely no to ironing.

Formal School Events: You could just not attend if it worries you or makes you uncomfortable. I never went to any of my proms or school dances for this reason, and I don't really think about it that much. I don't think going to these is a mandatory thing anyhow.

Shopping: Yeah, if you have the money, just take cash. As for your parents, you could just put them in your dresser or closet if it worries you. If they raise a stink about it, just say they're better fitting and the pockets aren't a fucking lie (I think we've all seen the horror that is "fake pockets"). If you need help determining your size, add 21 to what you regularly wear (ex: 10 + 21 = 31); that will be the first number to appear on the tag, followed by the inseam length number.

Driver's License: This is a state by state case, and each has different rules and laws for how the process works.

In some states (such as California, Pennsylvania and a few others), all you need is your therapist/social worker/doctor/etc to sign off on a specific form and you can get your gender marker changed--all without proof of surgery. In others, I think you need proof of surgery to get it done, but things are changing for the better.

Here's what EqualityVirginia said about gender markers and the DMV:

"The Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles implemented a much simpler policy for changing one’s gender marker. A Gender Change Request Form (DL-17) is available on the DMV website and requires only a signature from a licensed provider attesting to the fact that the applicant is a patient of the provider and that the applicant’s gender identity is either female or male."

T Talk: Generally, the rule of thumb that I've heard is that the wait is at least 18. However, I've heard of guys getting on T by the age of 16. In rare cases, I've heard of 15 or maybe 14, but this will depend largely on what your endocrinologist can do for you. I think hormone blockers are generally offered around your age, but I'm not 100% certain.

Cost depends on a couple of factors. The first being what delivery method of testosterone are you pursuing or is being offered, and the second is if you have insurance or not.

Injections are the most common and the most affordable. Creams, patches, and gels are more expensive, but I think some insurance companies will cover some of the cost. Subdermal methods, such as pellets that are placed under the skin and switched out a few times of the year are less common place, and more pricey. Whether or not you can get this covered will depend on your insurance. I can't give a rough estimate for cost if you're uninsured though.

Before I inquired about my insurance, a 10mL vial (which lasted me 3-3.5 months at best) and my syringes ran me about $63. With my insurance, a month supply of T only costs me $1.

Surgery Talk: This depends largely on the surgeon.

Some will not perform if you're under the age of 18. Some prefer not to perform if you're not on T (since one of the effects with T is fat distribution). Some have no problem at all with doing things if you're pre-T or under the age of 18. I'll try to pull up a list of surgeons who have worked with minors for you soon if you're interested. In terms of cost, I've heard of prices fluctuating from $3,000-$8,000 or a bit more. Quite a few do take insurance, and it's possible to get some or much of it covered--with one person I heard of getting pretty much all of his expenses paid by his insurance company.

With prepping, one tip I heard from someone is to do chest exercises weeks or months beforehand. This will help make it easier for the surgeon to find your pec lines. Aside from that, there's nothing I can really think of. With recovering, take it super easy. No heavy lifting, and keep your range of motion as limited as you can stand it to avoid stretching your scars (especially if you go in the direction of double incision). You'll likely be relying on someone to help you around for a good week or so, and I recommend taking full advantage of that.

School: Have you talked to your guidance counselor about it? They might be able to help you get situated and take some tension off of things. With bathrooms, I've heard of guys being told it's fine to use the men's room, and others get access to the bathroom in the nurse's office when they need it. Is it possible for you to speak to your teachers sometime before or after class to see if they can do anything with using your true name? If you're the informal type, you could possibly email them.

Name Changes: You can honestly get your name changed whenever you like. Since you're a minor, you'll need consent and help from your parents. The process and costs varies from place to place. In my county, the costs for everything (the publishing fees, the fingerprints, and other things) will likely run me $300. However, if I go to a LGBTQ legal team in Philadelphia, it will only cost me maybe $180.

Here's something from TSRoadmap that might help. It's a bit dated, but I don't things would have changed a whole lot: Virginia Name Change for Transgender People

The Wait: I came out five years ago, and started T in February. I know how long and annoying the wait can get, since I still get inpatient with some parts of the process too.

Some things I did to in the meantime:

- Write: I found this to be one of the best distractions I could find, next to video games and music. It helped me clear my mind and got me to focus on something besides my dysphoria for a while. Plus, it made a neat book of poetry.

- Therapy: Talking to a therapist was hard, but it made it easier to vent to someone and feel like I was being understood. It also helped that the person who gave me my letter specializes in other things, which was great since I have other underlying issues too--so it was kind of cool to get tips on grounding and coping mechanisms.

- Good friends: When you're trans (or LGBTQ in general), you learn who your true friends are pretty fast. The good ones will always stick by you and help you in your time of need. I know when I came out, it was weird for my friends so start calling me "he" and "AJ", especially without me having to say anything, but it felt so natural later on now. The best feeling was having my best friend call me his brother for the first time, and I'll never forget it.

- Other: Something I did when I was in therapy last year was applying for my first job in four years. It was doing something I loved, and being around like minded people. The cool thing was that at my interview, I asked if going by male pronouns or my true name would be an issue--and my boss said not at all. My birth name was never said once, and I got gendered correctly much of the time by my co-workers. I was too awkward to correct anyone when I did get misgendered, but it's all water under the bridge now.

Good luck with everything, Erick! If you have any more questions, we're all more than happy to help.