Okay so to start off, for more than a year I thought I was a boy and realised that since I was less than four years old I wanted to be a boy. My issues with it in my four year old mind were that I disliked "boy's clothes/toys" because they were so plain and liked wearing dresses and skirts, plus toys such as barbies etc. Even at a young age I often wished I had been "born a boy" and had a fixation with wanting to pee standing up or become a boy.... when I was nine I saw a lot of yaoi on the internet (lol) and became unusually attached to some of the characters that I shipped, and like began to identify with them. Seeing gay men always gave me a painful sort of longing, and I strongly wished I was one of them. My feelings with that haven't changed and it makes me really sad.:tears::tears::tears: In that year, I was actually happiest as I had ever been. I understood myself at last and was elated... I couldn't wait to grow up and start hormones and to one day get surgery, top and bottom. I imagined everyday about what a happy life I'd have in the future if I could find the one, and then I'd be so blissful with my new husband and our kids. (so cliche I know). Even now I really really wish I had been born DMAB then maybe things would have been easier... only I would be gay (and a total bottom ofc) and I still want to be able to have kids. :bang: However, when I realised how my family and friends would react and when I came out to my sister, she was incredibly cruel and I had to lie about my gender which I thought wouldn't matter. But sometimes (rarely though) I still felt like a girl... so I was conflicted. After a while of pretending I began to get confused once more and never recovered from it. I connect quite a bit with the term yinyang ren, a term that is used to refer to transgender, intersex and sometimes bi/gay people in Mandarin and it means someone who has equal amounts of yin and yang (male and female spirit) so they are perfectly balanced. I still get really sad seeing gay boys and couples like that because even if they manage to find someone.... what gay guy would accept a boyfriend who still has an AFAB body?:tears: I want to have my own kids and my religion forbids altering my body, as well as the fact that it can damage my wuguang and flow of chi etc. I also like some of my childhood friends, whom I am strongly set up to marry one day, but if they found any of this out they'd ditch me. I'm not sure about identifying as a boy as well because it didn't bother me so much at the time but since then I've experienced so much abuse and harassment from boys it's ridiculous... :eek: practically every boy I've met has let me down or hurt me somehow (in a serious manner) and all turned out to be douches, and I'm subject to an astonishing amount of stalker pedophiles (they somehow are drawn to me...). This isn't even an exaggeration. I love my family and friends strongly.... I'm sure they would react badly and I don't want them treating me differently from before. I feel that they already have enough to hate me for. And my father is really abusive, he'd never take me seriously. I would not mind coming out simply as a trans guy or as bigender to them one day perhaps.... especially if I can be reassured there would be people out there who would love me. If not I am the kind of person to hide and pretend my whole life just to please people who really don't matter at all. When I imagine myself as a boy with my boyfriend... nothing makes me happier and sadder at the same time.:tears*hug*) Everyone's thoughts? Also as a sidenote is there anyone in general (esp. gay guys) who would actually date me? :icon_redf thank you so much for reading this and i'm hoping this thread can really help me figure out stuff!:icon_bigg:smilewave
i'm glad you found a word that describes your feelings. I know Chinese as well and the only times I've ever heard "陰陽人" was a kind of slur. I have a feeling that you might be non-binary as the term you mentioned does suggest so. but of course, only you can know your gender for sure. If you think coming out can put you in danger, then it's better not to for now. I know this might be a bit discouraging, but it's better to come out when you know for sure you have a place to turn to if they don't support you. I'm hope this bit of stuff helps.
I understand the tumultuous feelings and emotions you are going through. I agree with what Infinity said - If its dangerous to come out, now might not be a great time to do it. But it sounds like you're torn about exactly what you feel and what you want. I know this probably won't help, but its the truth - you may never know EXACTLY what you want! Maybe in a years time, you'll feel different again - perhaps more feminine, or maybe more masculine. In a broad sense, those of us that are queer (i guess, specifically in this case, referring to gender) can relate and help in ways that someone who isn't, cant. I can say to you, don't ever feel like less of a person because you don't 'fit' who or what those around you expect you to be. YOU are worthy. YOU are a beautiful human being and deserve respect. But I am from a different culture, and I think it would be even more helpful to hear from someone who is like you and from the world that you live in. I hope you find a kind and respectful partner one day who accepts you for who you are - they're out there.
I've never heard it being used as a slur tbh I've only ever heard it once when someone spoke of Guanyin and they definitely wouldn't have used it for the goddess of mercy in a negative manner... its literal meaning is to have equal or balanced amounts of yin and yang, so it's the perfect amount of each. It stems from Taoism (I'm taoist/was raised Taoist).
