Hey. I've just joined because I need people to talk to. I want to hear similar stories, experiences, feelings and emotions. I want to meet more people like me. I live in a semi-rural area on the mid north coast of New South Wales in Australia. There aren't too many creatures like me around, or if there are, I have no idea how to find them... I've been out as gay for years, I have a gorgeous partner (femme). I live on a beautiful farm, I'm able bodied. Im thankful. But... I can't stand to see my reflection. I bury my self loathing by working hard, giving a lot of myself to those around me and feigning confidence. I drink to blur the unhappiness. I'm transgender - I was assigned female at birth, but have never (despite trying hard) felt feminine. But I don't (think) I want to fully transition to become physically male. I'm booked in for top surgery next year. I think I'll take hormones one day. No. I know I want to. I want to build more muscle. I want to be gendered as male by strangers. And as butch as I am, it's rare that it happens. I am still predominantly treated as female. Which baffles me sometimes. How can they not see??!! I feel unhinged at the moment. I have random bouts of severe anger, where I have to punch something (never someone..!) which leads to a few bruised knuckles (you shoulda seen the wall...!) This body isn't what it was meant to be... I'm treading water right now. Let's hear from y'all
