Hi everyone, just worked up the nerve to make my first post here! I am AFAB, and lately I have found myself struggling a lot with body image issues. I am not sure is this is gender related dysphoria or something else. Primarily, I am uncomfortable with my chest (so much so that I refuse to say "my breasts" out loud), and all I really want to have top surgery. Also, I am overly conscious of how "curvy" or "feminine" my hips/butt/thighs look. Sometimes this feeling gets so intense that I don't want to leave the house unless it is truly necessary. I present feminine, but I am very careful to dress in a way that doesn't accentuate my curves because they make me supremely uncomfortable. In the past I have restricted my eating to lose weight in hopes of attaining a more masculine/androgynous figure. I am still fighting this now, but I have track and field training as an outlet. I am not uncomfortable with having a vagina, uterus, etc. I am attracted to women and thinking about myself in a relationship definitely makes me feel more accepting of these parts. Sometimes I resent having a period because I don't want children and I feel like my body is being wasteful, but I think that most people who get periods are frustrated with them at least part of the time. I am more bothered by the negative stigmas than I am by the actual process, although frequently I do feel a little indignant; should I really have to deal with this every month when it serves me no purpose? I just hate the feeling of being at the mercy of my hormones. Internally/ socially I don't feel like I am any gender other than female, but I have a loose personal definition of gender anyways. I don't think that my mind is masculine or feminine- it's just me. Being called a woman/lady makes me slightly uncomfortable, but this may be because I am young still (17) and I don't like the closed purpose that "womanhood" would stamp on my body. By that I mean that my body would have a distinct function, to bear children, as this is what my family believes. Plus the idea that girls should have "ladylike manners" definitely annoys me- well really anything about gender roles annoys me (but I suspect that I am not alone there!) However, I am fine with female pronouns and being referred to as a girl or using the women's bathrooms does not bother me. So, this brings me to my confusion: This doesn't seem to be about my internal sense of gender, because in that regard I am cis, and I guess that it is not about my presentation or about how society perceives me, because I am fine with being known as a girl. So obviously my issues concern my body. I have the ability to step back and acknowledge that my body is healthy and not abnormal, maybe even attractive to some people, but for some reason I despise my secondary sex characteristics. It just doesn't feel like me! I am already somewhat athletic-looking but ideally I would have a flat chest, a more neutral physique, more angular features but I would keep my long hair and way of dressing. I would be so happy to have top surgery but I feel like I can't claim the right to it or that no one would take me seriously, like they would think that I just don't want my body to mature or that I don't want to be a girl or something like that. I feel like my ideal body is unattainable! Does anyone else feel sort of this way? What do you think this could be? Many thanks to those who made it through this novel of a post.
It seems like you have gender dysphoria. Also I think you're conflating gender with gender roles. How you want to dress or have your hair have nothing to do with gender.
It's possible to be "ok" (as in not completely repulsed) with being seen as female and referred to by she/her and still be trans though. That just means that you don't have much social dysphoria. Here's a question, if you could choose and neither would cause you to be stigmatized, would you PREFER for someone to see you as something other than female? (male or a non-binary gender perhaps?) It's really unlikely that a cis girl would want a more masculine body.
You could also be non-binary or genderqueer or even agender. The choice isn't just male or female. Another possibility is that you might just be uncomfortable with the gender stigma/role your curvy body brings. The XX body, particularly the breasts and curvy hips/waist, is very sexualized in our society, and you can receive unwanted attention, whether through harassment or just unwanted compliments, because of these physical features. Having that kind of body can make you feel unsafe even going outside by yourself. If you are sure you are 100% comfortable being a female, you may just be uncomfortable with your body being such a magnet for that kind of attention. Either way, try to be open-minded about what you are experiencing right now, and ask yourself honestly where these feelings are coming from. And as a personal note, I've noticed more often that transgender people who were raised in very gender-neutral environments tend to have less conflict about their assigned gendered, and are more willing to accept both their masculine and feminine qualities. I think it has something to do with the fact that they weren't traumatized for being a tomboy girl or a feminine boy. The damage of being forced to conform to something that is not you becomes strong dysphoria later in life, making things like pronouns very triggery. The more you try to force someone to be what they are not, the more that person will need to fight back. Your lack of dysphoria about pronouns and femininity doesn't exclude the possibility of being trans, but you are the only person who can say what your identity is.
I'm sorry, I did not mean to confuse gender and gender roles! I just wrote this in the way that I tried to explain to my friend because I don't fully understand any of it yet. And I just researched all of this so I apologize to everyone if I am not using the right terminology.
Oh, no! It's not that at all! No need for apologies. It's just a really common thing for people who are new to gender exploration to get gender roles/stereotypes mixed up with gender identity, and that is largely from society's teaching us that boys do this and girls do that. There's also very little information available about gender identities outside of the male-female binary. Personally, I just wanted to throw that information out there to give you something to think about and maybe research. Think of the replies you've received more as people trying to help with your research than as people trying to correct you. The community you'll find on this forum is generally very supportive, understanding, and helpful. Whether you decide you are cisgender or transgender, your questions and input are more than welcome. So please don't feel apologetic or like you're being judged.
It's okay! I think the comment about you mixing up gender and gender roles was advice so you can better understand your gender, not a criticism of your terminology. A lot of people conflate gender with gender roles by accident because the definitions can be weird and varied and confusing. It does sound like you are experiencing gender dysphoria. I feel that it would be odd for body image issues to be exclusively about your secondary sex characteristics. I would suggest looking into nonbinary identities. It sounds like you have dysphoria that makes you want a neutral/androgynous body, and that is definitely something many nonbinary people experience. What you want to be socially doesn't have to matter in regards to whether or not you consider yourself trans. You could be nonbinary trans and still live as / be seen as a female. And everyone has the "right" to top surgery! If you have top dysphoria, it's reasonable for you to get it, regardless of your social identity. You don't even have to consider yourself to be trans. If it will make you more comfortable with your body, go for it.
