Hoo boy, this is going to be a wall of text. Apologies in advance. So it's been almost two years since I first thought I was genderfluid. I've had days where I've felt very feminine, and other days where I've felt masculine (to some extent). I've presented in public several times and have felt nothing but happiness with myself, and I look forward to every opportunity I can get to do it again. I've had days where the thoughts never cross my mind, and days where they just won't stop. When I appear a gorgeous lady, my soul feels vibrant and my heart is sent aflutter. Though when I look at my natural anatomy, I feel distraught. I want curves, silky skin, less hair, and a gentler face. I want to feel like a woman on the outside, the way I feel like one on the inside. I've done lots of research, read many stories, and saw proof against many a myth and misconception on the validity of transgender. I've noticed now that as time goes by, having learned so much and having seen so many others grow...me being transfemale doesn't seem as far fetched of a possibility now. Although, as much as I would like to just throw open the closet door and proudly sing out "I'M FEMALE," there are a few things that have created a bit of an impasse with this. One, I'm 24 (considered late onset) and so many friends and family I know have ingrained in their minds that I am male, a son, a brother, and...a boyfriend. Two, I lack the funds necessary to afford a gender therapist and potentially...HRT. Lastly, I have a long-term girlfriend (who's also my best friend) and she means everything to me. She has also made it very clear...that...a transition through hormones could put our relationship on the rocks, affect our sex life, and she probably wouldn't be attracted to me (I haven't come out to her about this yet). Please don't get angry at her, she is completely straight and just being realistic, and I respect her orientation like she respects my gender (which she knows and happily accepts me as non-binary). The last is the most difficult factor, because I would be trading my loving partner for satisfaction in myself. I would never trade it now, but I don't know what the future holds. I know I have plenty of time to actually make a decision, but how much longer can I put up with looking like this? tl;dr: I'm pretty sure I'm transfemale, I want HRT so I can look how I feel, I have a girlfriend who is the light of my life but this transition would destroy our relationship, and how do I put up with this dysphoria until the time actually seems right?
If I were you (not meaning this as advice, but literally if I were in your exact position), I would be more on the side of coming out as female. This is largely because I grew up being told that I have to figure out myself and who I am before getting in a relationship with someone else. I wouldn't want to be in relationships lying to myself or my significant other about who I am. As actual advice, I would act as if having more female/feminine/not masculine days and see how others react (this is said assuming we have the same definition of genderfluid, please correct me if you think I am misrepresenting you).
Regarding your first paragraph, that's going to take a bit of time, but I hear what you're saying and I appreciate the input. These last couple years have been a real adventure for me, and I'm still having a bit of trouble finding myself. It's okay, you assumed correctly. ^___^ So...ease into my transition so coming out as trans isn't as dramatic a change for them? I like the sound of that idea, actually. The current position I'm in has been hindering me from presenting as female completely, though I think I will present much more often when I come back home (my family there knows I'm non-binary). Thank you for the feedback. <3
I'm perhaps a tad sour to relationships [despite currently being in a wonderful one >_>] But if she can't support what you might consider to be the real you. Then isn't she loving the wrong person? I recently ish got out of a relationship with a girl that was straight, who wouldn't date a girl [tried it and didn't like it]. And it's only recently that I've let myself even think this way [I'm 25] I'm not gunna say break up with her. But decide what's more important to you. Being in a relationship where you can be happy with someone, but not so happy with yourself. Or being happy with yourself and hopefully finding someone that can accept it. I've had a fair few of people that didn't give me the feeling that I could relax around them, sometimes through no fault of their own, but still. Also as far as I'm away, I don't think it's possible to go "I'm a transgirl, gimme the drugs so I can do this thing." So if you wanted to head in that direction, seeing therapist/counsellors and getting advice along the way, before starting the HRT would be the best bet. Finding someone who's already started to discuss the timeframe and the like. I will always say, look out for number one. [That's you] Your partner should look out for herself most of all. If you aren't happy as you are, how can people be happy with you? More to think about~ I'm bluntly to the point of, people can like me for who/what I am, or I'm not interested.
