Genderqueer - Crossdresser/Transsexual/Transgender

Hi there!

first of i want to apologise for posting a extremly long Thread and i thank everybody that reads through it.
i dont know how to start this.. i really dont... but i need any help i can get because im extremly confused right now and this makes me feel sad and depressed!

I am male. Im 19 now and i questioned my sexuality since im 16 i think but this isnt the main concern.
If i had to break it down to one question it would be:

I dont know if i want to be male ...soo am i a crossdresser/transsexual or transgendered?
What is wrong with me?

Ok now that this is out i will give some information. it will be very long and unorganized so i apologise for that aswell...

As i said i am 19 and male. i posted a thread some time ago with another account (i cant remember it) about my sexual orientation issue and it help a bit. i questioned myself being gay or straight or whatever. i came to the conclusion that it might be that im bisexual or asexual. i guess im more bisexual then asexual though. i had a phase where i didnt now what i am who i want to be and who i will be... okay back to informations. i graduated this year(im from germany so its like graduation) and live together with my brother(21) in a shared apartmenet. i have 2 brothers(1 older 1 younger) and 1 younger sister. my dad and mom are divorced and my mom married my stepdad therefore i have a younger stepsister.

We as a family moved a lot and i had to switch schools alot. im shy and introverted.
In my last schoolyears i questioned my sexuality and got depressed. i dont leave the house and have no friends... well i have 2 friends because they say im their friend but the just know my "fake" me ... everytime i was with them i acted all strong and masculine and its seems so fake to me but for them im like a really cool "dude". Everything i say to them feels like lying and i dont want that... it seems so fake to me even when im with my brothers i act masculine because in my mind i dont want to be diffrent to them. The same thing applies to my sisters. when im around them i dont talk alot but act like a guy or a brother .

Im just writing everything down that comes to my mind so it may be confusing sometimes... i have so many things in my mind right now sorry.

i grew up in a normal family and allways felt good! Sometimes I was a mommyboy ! she did everything for me and i loved her! but i also loved my dad dont get me wrong! as i grew older i went to school and back then i had no idea of sex and everything because i wasnt told until i found it out myself when i was like 14. i never had sex education in school because i switched schools alot so i never had it. So everything i tell about the past is viewed from my perspective now. im like rethinking what some scenarios may have meant.

In primary school i felt a bit diffrent to the others. i had 2 good friends and the rest just knew me and treated me like a normal schoolkid. I came along with boys pretty well we liked each other but i never came over to them or had sleepovers. But every girl liked me because i played with them during the breaks while the other boys played football ...i played with the girls all the time! things like spinning on the highbar,ropeskipping ,playing tag and stuff like this. and i felt happy about that. i had fun! but i never invited a girl over becaus my family and brothers always said boys are playing with boys. so i always went to my 2 friends and we played like boys stuff! like playing videogames or going outside and much more.... OH one thing is really importent here! I was invited by one of my best "girl" friend which i always met at the busstop and drove to school with to her birthday party! I was the only boy there but i belief i had fun there! it was something like a farm and i got to ride a horse and make my own pizza and stuff like this.
I think IF i would have been able to have girls as friends back than i would have been more happy nowadys and wouldnt be so introverted and had a lot more friends(girls and guys) and i would be a diffrent person! maybe i would have been more girly in generall but thats just me thinking out loud...
Then we moved away and i almost cried as my schoolmates made me a gift but i couldnt cry infront of the class because boys dont cry! i had a lump in my throat! (4th grade at that time). it was a book with lots of pictures from me and my schoolmates! and at the end everyone wrote a quote for me like "i hope you find many friends" "i hope you will be happy" i have the book here right now! Looking at those pictures i almost forgot to tell that i had long hair and i mean LONG beyond shoulder lenght! just a sidenote!
So almost every girl said that they liked me and 2 of them said they like me bacause im so nice and playing with girls!

So i moved to another city and had no friends. in the first day of schools i got to meet my new class. and there was a free seat between about 4-5 girls so thats where my teacher placed me. First i was really shy and everone was like hi im ... and so forth. and i was overwhelmed but as the schooldays pass i began to become friends with girls again.
because the boys where like "lets play soccer in the break" and i was like no thanks i dont like soccer. One day (Still 4th grade age) one of this "girlfriends" invited me to here sleepover birhtdayparty. and i was the only boy there .... but it didnt feel weird! it was just like normal. i wasnt allowed to sleep with them in the same rooms (today i know why but back then i didnt know anything about the sexual relationship between a women and a man) So my dad brought me back home... but my brothers made fun of that and i pushed away the thought of having girls as friends. so i grew apart from all those "friends" i had as time passes. that was like in 5th grade. from that time on i had to make friends with boys and i ended up being with the "nerds" which isnt meant insulting in anyways. they were other then the normal boys that played soccer. they had their video games and where good in school so it was fun hanging around with them. But i always lied to them in a wierd way. they where talking about a game and i didnt understood anything. and i was like making things up that seemed real about a video game to fit in with the group. but thats how i made my school life as easy as possible.
But this friendship didnt last long because i didnt care about them much... sad but true...
I met my 2 friends which i was talking about earlier. and one of them is my best friend..... i know i said i dont think this is my real friend but i feel like i can trust him ...
eventhough he just knows my fake me .... but again NO ONE knows im dealing with an Genderqueering issue. not even my family everyone only knows this fake me ...

okay back to informations (i know sorry for the long post)
On the family side it wasnt looking that good. my mother divorced with my dad who was cheating on her. so my mom moved away with my sister and my younger brother. i was left with my brother and my dad and his new "wife". I couldnt stand here because she ruined my mothers life... my brother graduated and moved out. so i was with my dad his wife and her daugther and son(both are very young and i had no chance to become a real family). Thats when i got my first computer system... and i played games all day because i could enter my own world and flee from everything else. I hide myself in my room all day after school and played videogames...i had a very repetitive life at this point. until i discoverd my sexual life. with i think 14 years. i know thats strange... i had boners before but i didnt know what they ment. it was strange for me.... but as i began to feel "good" when i rubbed my genetalia i discovered masturbation. it was scary at first but fascinating for me! but i kept it a secret to everyone because i thought its wrong! no one told me about it so no one wants me to do it i presumed!

but i expiremented everything! i dont want to go in depth with that though!
not that its emberrassing but i dont think its neccesarry! But if i need to just say it!
hmm.. then i moved to my mother! and im so thankfull i did that because i got extremly depressed with my repetetive life! In 10th grade i switched schools again and lost connection to my "friends" and tried to make new friends but i didnt fit in the new school... so i was a missfit.. a outsider.. and didnt become friends with anyone until one guy came up to me and i pretended to be a cool guy AGAIN just so im not alone again... so i used the guy by lying to him. but just in school... outside of school i had no need for him.... it sounds so sad but im just trying to be honest.
I met one girl after that in school which was very kind to me and we became "friends" but just for the duration of school.. after that again i didnt care about friends... BTW thats the time i had my sexual orientation issue where i didnt know if i was gay straight bi whatever.... i got depressed and just stayed at home.... figuring things out....
enough about my schoollife....i had a hard time and had suicidal thoughts and depressions .... but im too afraid of death to actually do any harm to myself!
its over now anyways/hopefully.... and now i live in a flat with my brother.
Im not going outside, dont have friends(except those 2), and play videogames allday and contemplating my life and struggle with my genderqueer...
Im applying for a job this month just to work and to get money...

ONE BIG THING I HAVE TO ADD IS: that my mother always asked if we are happy.. i always said yes i am just to make my mom happy ... and once my mother said if there is something just let me know if your unhappy with anything .... even with your gender.... SHE said that to everyone not directly at me but to all of us... i know my mom is kindhearted and loevly but not that smart... not to be rude but she just overinterpretes things quite easily so if i would talk to her i have to be carefull in what i say

soo where can i continue .... Okay... I experimented quite a lot with my sexuality and came across crossdressing. I wore dresses and tight pants, underwear and bras, shoes, makeup(which im terrible at because i never had time to learn it but i want to...) everything i could find! everything girly...
I had an urge to experiment this so everytime i was homealone i gathered everything as fast as i could threw it on in a rush so i couldnt get caught. at that time i had boners when i did this as i experimented so i finished of by masturbating. i dressed in lingerie at first because i dressed more for masturbation purposes... as time passed crossdressing became a less sexual thing. and more of a wish to dress and feel like a girl...
btw i watched some dragqueens doing their make up and dressing up and thats amazing and if i would have any friends that would be in to this that would be amazing! i would try it out! but i dont have one so ... yeah... But now i cant crossdress anymore because i dont have the materials/ clothing/ makeup/ wigs .... but if i would crossdress it would be like nonsexual .... btw i stopped masturbating i did it too often and i felt guilty at some point and now that i question my gender it doesnt help at all.. masturbation just is a easy way to get bliss... and i dont want to fake my bliss... so i rarely masturbate... maybe i stopped completely but i dont know yet! it was easy to stop though!

moving on.... Im beginning to observe some things now that im questioning my gender. like my bodylanguage isnt that masculine ... but not feminine either....im very slim and dont have much muscles... i have a flat chest and slim shoulders... so im not a typical man in body structure .... and my face isnt a strong edgy masculine face ... its not totaly feminine though! but its more leaning towards a feminine then masculine face! (in the past as i had long hair i was mistaken for a girl quite often!) i always catch myself walking on my toes.. and it has nothing to do with highheels but it looks like im wearing highheels ... everybody in the family knows that because im doing this since... i dont even know... and i dont know why im doing this .... but every now and then im just walking on my toes...wierd? i know.... Well i also shaved my whole body except for the arms because im wearing t-shirts sometimes and i showed my shaved legs once and everone was like ???? ARE YOU GAY WHY ARE YOU SHAVING YOUR LEGS OMG ???? and i dont want it to happen again... and if i could i would permanently remove my body hair because i really hate it being hairy and its so much effort to shave everything (girls i know how you feel) .... anyways ... im also growing long hair again because i think thats a new dream of mine having girly hair ...AND I love to cross my legs.. i can even doublecross my legs.... but i love to cross them! i did that in school (5th grade or so) and my seatmate said... dont do this! only girls do that... so i always uncrossed my legs everytime i catched myself doing it... i also bought myself 2 new pairs of pants ... wow is that special ??? well they are more girlyish jeans... they are skinny and not a typical jeans color... my shoes arent that manly either im wearing basketball shoes that are white and pink.... but not to girly... but the shoes and the jeans were a great and uplifting expirience and they are my fav!
i bought my jeans with my brother and i saw that one was a jeans for men and the other one was for women... and i bought them both and my brother saw it that it said women jeans... and i said ... what womens jeans? eventho i knew it was.. and he said that it had to be an error of some kind these are jeans for men ... i just agreed with that and was happy about my first women jeans! And my brother is a very smart and genuine guy!
I felt really happy! And as i bought the shoes he encouraged me to get them because i intentionally said "they dont look girly dont they?" and he was saying "no they are cool just buy them" In generall my wardrobe isnt anything like wardrobes from normal guys.
but my wardrobe has no girly items! i just dress the way i feel....

Okay i think that was way to long for information...... im truly sorry for you if you even read this far.....

Back to the Topic: I dont really feel like a man.... and i dont want to feel like a man... i hate typical mens (NO OFFENCE to anyone) and im really picky .... i know with everyting....but i just dont like those men who treat women like objects and have gender roles like men work women are housewifes.... i hate that.... and thats why i dont think i can be fully gay because i can see myself dating a guy i like/love... but not any man... it has to be the right one ... same thing applies to girls... and well if i would be transgendered will i be able to find a man(or women) that i love?

i dont want to be a typical man .... and i feel something is telling me that thats right !
i fantasize about being a women! and i love the idea of it

2 days prior i dreamt about me buying a new pair of Highheels (OMG) i dont know why but i dreamt it .... and i felt so proud of my new highheels... ( i dont know if i was a man at that time or a women but i felt happy) I showed them to everybody and i was so glad!
It felt girly in a way .... and i felt girly in a way too! as i woke up i had to think about it the whole day... yesterday i dreamt about me having blond long hair! i dont dreamt much and i cant really remember anything else... but this hair was gorgeous.... i had a ponytail and it was soooo long! and on the front i had long wisps(?dont know if thats right) to each side

Again i felt soo good with this hair! and if i would have such amazing hair in real life i wouldnt be ashamed! eventho im a male right now!

ok ok ok ok ok this is far too much rambling ...
but i dont know it helps so much to talk my mind of... i feel soooo good while writing about all this !

Maybe im just a crossdresser who is just desperate... and wants to do crossdressing more often (the last time i crossdressed was this summer .... i dont have things in my apartment....and i dont want to buy too much stuff because my brother would notice...)

Or im transgendered / transexual... and if it was the case i wouldnt know how to confirm it and how i would deal with it ? how would i start transitioning? and if so i would have to tell my familiy at some point...

But maybe its just me wanting to be female to restart my life ? i dont have a clear head right now ... and if id tell my family they would be like ... are you sure ...you dont seem like a girl to me .... because they only know my male side...
i dont show feelings that much... i always had to act tough... but i could be emotional ... but not as a man... there are many times i catch myself blinking away tears or being shy or being too upset.... i dont know how to start

i gave a lot of information but if there is anything PLEASE let me know
I need any help i can get... and please ask questions even if they are private !!

I hope someone can do something with all of this...

Thanks for reading all of this it means SOO MUCH to me!
I appriciate every single one of you

PS: rereading this whole thing took long and im sorry for everybody who read this far!
and as i read this i read it with a more girly sound voice in my head .... ? ? ?
but anyways .... thanks again !

 

Hi there ...

im sorry for posting again... the amount of text is overwhelming i know...
and i can understand if no one reads through all this...

But i forget some things ...

i know i said i questioned my sexuality for a long time ... and i think i alawys denied the fact that i could be bisexual... but im sure that i just didnt want to be bi... maybe thats why i had to struggle alot... But now im confident in being Bi! and if i am bi i wouldnt be mad at me! i would just accept it!

Aaand i want to add some things! i know its far to much but every bit helps!
i forgot to say that im overly tidy! My brother however is a bit messy and i tend to ask him quite a lot to do his dishes and stuff!
Im very picky with food... well im picky with EVERYTHING....im vegiterian and i dont like food/eating in generall. i hate sweets aswell! i often lose my apetite and dont eat much in general (maybe thats why im so skinny)... i remember that i always hated going to the toilet alone! and i never pe in urinals ! i hate that soo much! i always go to a cabin!
but in like restaurants i always ask my brother to go to the toilet with me! and i often get comments from my parents: cant you go alone? thats what girls do!....
anyways... hmm i love music! it fascinates me! without music i wouldnt be the same i think! But i also understand technical stuff.... not very girly ....
and when my brother is gone and im home alone i always watch "girly" videos... like drag vids, makeup tutorials, hauls, and look up girly things in generall like how to grow long and healthy hair or get healthy skin and stuff like this... because i want to change the way that i am right now! i lost my interest in myself in my depressed phase... i got a bad skin and bad unhealthy hair! but i want to change all that! and girls just tend to have better appereance then men... and they smell so nice! everything girly smells so soft and warm .... if i would live alone i probably bought like girly parfumes and beauty products and many more! but im kind of caged here....

so yeah .... I dont know if that helped or confused or whatever...
and i dont know if i am transgendered or something else... and i uploaded a profil picture which hair resembles the one i dreamt about!

i had this thought of being transgendered like 2 years now but pushed it away far too often! and i want to face it now!

thank you for your help!
i really appriciate every single one who even attempted to read all this!

 

These are all gender roles. How do you want to be socially and biologically? If you are referred to as a guy, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you have dysphoria (a disconnect/discomfort with being male)? I'd guess you're feminine and a cross-dresser, but only you can figure that out.

 

Hey thank you for your time!

well lets see! Its just not that easy.... i look like a male in some points ... but not like a typcial man and im happy about that! i never ever want to be a typcial man! I have a very hard time judging anything socially related because i have tiny to zero sociall life right now .... its just everytime i have to make a decision im completely overwhelmed with emotions.. but im not showing them because i cant....because im a "man"... and because of all those emotions i have a hard time deciding ! like sometimes im 95% sure im a girl! but in the next morning i feel the complete oposite like only 10%.... but i never feel like a true man either.... Where im getting at is if i would become a biological women will i regret it at some point ? or if i dont transition early enough will i regret it because i could have made that decision early and thus having better "results" (looking better, feeling better, less struggle...)? or if ill never transition will i ever forget or surpress my "other" or maybe even "true" me?...
im truly confused .... i felt like i am a diffrent male then any other male thats true... but i dont feel anxieties or uncomfort as a male .... because i dont see myself as male.... i dont want to reffered as a guy tho... everytime i do something not "guy" like my brother or so would say something like ... you cant do such things your a man.... and im like in my head... no im not a man... i am just me ... what im saying is my genetailia does not decide who i am .... and thats why the gender question came along anyways... i never realy cross-dressed because i was like faar to anxious about getting caught! So i dont know how it would feel like.... if i crossdress for like a day or a week.... that could show me who i am .... but i cant really do that....

im sorry if i confused anyone with all this ....
Thank you again!

if i answered something poorly or anyone wants to know something just ask and ill try my best!

 

Hello. I scanned through and read, most of what you posted, and I am going through some similar issues with my gender identity myself. Although I cannot recollect back to early childhood that well to confirm anything, but I think in some ways as I got older near junior high I didn't feel completely like a girl.

For the most part I have dressed in gender neutral clothes neither being overly girly or overly boyish. Even though I would always lean more into the mens clothes, even more now than the women's. I have never wanted to wear makeup, have my ears pierced, or dress up feminine in all my life. Makeup only for covering zits or cross playing. Which by the way, ironically, requires you to put on more female makeup to look more masculine. I just find that a bit funny but that could just be me.

But anyways, I posted my own long descriptions of my experiences and my questioning a couple days ago just on the opposite spectrum. I am thinking I might be Gender Fluid, since I do have male tendencies sometimes I am not 100% dedicated to transitioning for a number of reasons, but part of that is that I feel like I'm still a woman, just not a whole one. I just thought I leaned more to dress like guys because I hate tight fitting clothes or anything too girly, and I liked the designs of guys clothes better and they were loose on me so I felt comfortable in them. And I also thought that me being only attracted to men my whole life that I had to be a girl and couldn't be a guy, but now that's not really the case anymore.

I'm not sure what advice to give you, but from what you describe it sounds like you do have legitimate feelings of being a woman, and if dressing like one makes you feel better about yourself, as dressing like a guy does for me then please do it as much as you want whenever you are comfortable with. I'm not a professional psychiatrist on this kind of field, so I can't give a diagnosis, nor can I afford to seek one myself. But I can listen if you want me to I'm sure you can get though this, and I wish you luck in your adventure. (*hug*)

 

Hi!

Thank you for your comment!

So first of all my mood changes quite often! and with often i mean super often! and with my mood everything i do/want changes aswell... and i think i have a clear head right now.... I dont think i have a dysphoria... i dont hate my male genitalia but i there are times where i just dont care or just dont want it... but its never really a serious issue in my eyes!

I just so insecure right now because i never act girly infront of anybody just sometimes but not on purpose or with me noticing .... its weird... i want to be a girl sometimes but i cant really be one.... i feel like i know or am not girly "enough" because i was male all the time/ i acted like a male my entire life.... i dont have any idea how i could just discover myself more.... if i would life alone and would have some friends (some LGBT friends) i would have been able to find myself.... but i am just a nobody no one knows about.... and with this mindset... or whatever i think i might not be able to live as a women the rest of my life.... i just think i know to little or experimented to little to know anything about being a girl. and i have no female/any contacts/friends that would help with this.....

i just feel so empty sometimes.....

sorry for my rambling ....
and i appriciate every single comment!
Thank you!

---------- Post added 6th Oct 2015 at 03:56 AM ----------

Sorrry for double posting but i missed something....

i watched an anime (japanese cartoon) about transexual kids figuring themselves out! and it also covers the daily issues and fears transexuals/(crossdressers) have to deal with!
the name of the anime is "Hourou Mosuko" or in english "Wandering Son"! i could totaly relate to the whole anime and the characters... i think in society females can wear womens clothes and mens clothes without any issues! but if a men/boy decides to wear girls clothes its something bad.... and they will be judged as a pervert! and they will be laughed at! and i can totaly relate to that..... if i want to dress like a women in a NON sexual way it should be totaly fine... why is that a problem! no one gets hurt by that... i should be able to shop any clothes or any products i want without being judged all the time....(eventho i dont crossdress anymore or go shopping) its just i have the fear of being laughed at! thats why i stopped it and threw away the idea of being a crossdresser or (trans)....

thats what i forgot to say...

if you have anything you want to know ask here or if you want to talk privatly write me a private message!

Thanks again!

 

I also dont want to to shave anymore.... i feel anxious about getting caught .... i dont even want to shave my beard anymore so no one could suspect me for being a crossdresser/trans or girly boy or whatever i am.... i could just come out as bisexual eventho im not sure if i truly am but it could help... maybe... hmm... im so confused...

sorry again... im just trying not to freak out or go insane....

 

It's totally fine, come out and do what you want to do at your own pace. I never heard of that anime, and I'm a big anime nerd. The closest to this issue that I've seen is in "Ranma 1/2". Where a martial artist goes to China and falls into a cursed spring, where whenever he gets dosed with cold water, he becomes a girl. And changes back with hot water. All I think is, that if this was an actual place, it would be every Bisexual and Transgender's dream come true! Just one trip to China and that's it. Sure, you'd change back with hot water, but just pour a little cold on you and you're back. It's a little inconvenient, but it's safer and more efficient than surgery or pills is all. Oh another reason why I wish anime was real T_T

But, that's side tracking sorry. I know that if a girl dresses as a guy it's fine, but if a guy does it, then alert the media, it's such BS I know and in that regard I feel so guilty to be able to do that while others can't. You SHOULD be able to wear whatever you want to without getting looks, and feel however you feel. You could shave your beard, I mean it's not like every man is walking around with one, so clean shaven you could get away with. I can understand not wanting to cross dress in public, that's totally fine. But you should do it at least in your own home where you can have privacy and comfort to express yourself.

If someone catches you shopping for makeup, clothes, etc, then you can just tell them that your girlfriend is sick and you're shopping for her. Or it's her birthday, anniversary, or something and you're getting her a gift. That way it's not totally strange to see a guy buying that, they don't need to know who it's really going for and that way you can still get what you want with none being the wiser. I'm not guaranteeing this will work or that lying is the best solution, but it's all that I can think of to help you at this moment I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.

 

Thank you for your respond!

@Yasha of XMETAS
I read Ranma1/2 and its great and i feel the same in some points like you! It would be so great if anime was real....... and if your into anime i recommend checking Hourou Musuko out! its fantastice mtf problems ftm problems everything and its beautiful! you wont regret it if your into drama/comedy/romantic anime stuff!

Animes aside! I would love to crossdress more freely! i have no need to go outside anyways but i cant even do it in my own house.... i live in a shared apartement with my brother... and he knows that i have no friends and espacially no female friends.... so i cant really buy stuff because it would seem "odd" or "suspicious" in his eyes if i'd go out shopping....! I would just love to just live my life as i want it but i cant ..... And i cant buy too much stuff online because that would be wierd if i would buy myself too much stuff! he would take notice if a package would arrive....! if he would just be gone for like a week .... that would be beautiful.... hmm im kind of stuck here.....
i think i need to crossdress first for a longer periode of time to actually feel more feminine and comfortable... im my current state i dont think im transsexuel/transgendered.... im just helpless...

anyways thank you for your continues support!

 

No problem, I'm just sorry, I wish I could help you. I'm not a shopper, but I think it would be better having a seeming woman around when doing so. I could get all kinds of guy clothes an you can get girls clothes, and it will look like we're just shopping in the areas for ourselves. I don't know just something to help, all I can do is lend an ear an a keyboard.

 

Hmm... this is tough, you put a huge emphasis on gender expression throughout your story. It is typically considered meanngless in context of gender identity which makes it harder to judge whether or not you are transgender. I'm a transgirl, I've never really acted in an overly feminine manner, never dressed in women's clothing and anyone who knows me in real life would not believe me if I told them I am really a woman. Yet I still am, I know that I am a girl, I know that I am most definitely not a man and have felt fairly bad gender dysphoria for most of my life. Truthfully, from reading what you wrote, I do think that you are most likely transgender, gender dysphoria can be tricky to recognize and is often mitigated somewhat by gender expression but you do seem to feel discomfort with the idea that you are male. One other thing that stands out is that you feel shame at the thought that you might be transgender. You fear that you won't be accepted and you fear regretting the decision. Yet despite this you seem to want others to tell you that you are transgender, you made every effort to point out how feminine you are and spent little time focusing on your male identity. This shows an intense inner conflict that goes beyond something that someone who is a crossdresser would feel... I would suggest that you go to a gender therapist and start breaking apart your doubts and fears and see if you can figure out who you really are inside; male or female or non binary.

Much hugs,

(*hug*)

Yael

 

Hi yael and thank you for your comment!

Now this confuesed me alot... And I don't know what to think or where to start...
I know that I hate typical men... And I know that something is going on in my mind... But I'm still not sure about anything... Eg. Some days I feel bisexual... And some days I feel more asexual... And Its the same with my feminine thoughts.... I seem like a guy to everyone ... I expressed myself as a guy throughout the years... No one see's my feminine side I only feel it.... Sometimes more sometimes less.... I can totally sympathies with you for some reason... I don't think I wouldn't have the confidence to even "crossdress" for a longer period of time because I always have the fear of getting caught or laughed at or judged.... And how could I tell that I'm trans if I'm not really showing who I think I am.... Like you said If I would tell anyone that I might be trans... They wouldn't believe me... For sure... Because they only know my appearance as a guy ... I don't show my emotions as well... because I don't want to be judged... And one big thing is that I hate the thought of crossdressing or transsexuality being a preverted thing... I don't want it to be seen as such.... If I'd tell for example my brother he would think I'm a pervert or smthing like that... I just want to experiment if I am female or male and just abit feminine.... But I can't really do that... As I said I feel caged in my apartment.... And I stopped masturbation...because I don't want to... Since like more than two weeks... Because I felt guilty at some point... And I I don't do it I can say I don't without lying... Eventho it's fine to do so... I feel less perverted and more honest.... But even if I said that I don't everyone would just presume I'm just lying... This world..... I don't like it.... How everything turned out... I don't like it....
And btw... I don't know if I have the strength to go to a gender therapist I just couldn't go without my brother taking notice... I feel so bad eventho everything should be good...

Sorry for me being confused but I think it helps me a lot to talk about it!

 

Okay okay okay calm down.....

i just did something huge for me tho its not that big of a deal.... my heart pumpes!!
Im extremly anxious about getting caught "crossdressing" or figuring myself out.... but i just bought a wig online! Small steps to lead to a victory eventualy! but if i get caught or my brother sees the package first... i have a "excuse" i just misclicked i never bought it on purpose! hihi i feel kind of good and excited!

sorry for my little "message" it may seem so stupid but im happy! Only time will tell what will happen!

 

Yay! I'm so happy for you.

That's how you moved forward, one tiny step at a time. (*hug*)

 

Thank youu Yael!

i know its just something small but i just had to jump over my shadow and "overcome my fear!" And thank you for being there for me!

 

YAY! XD (*hug*) I bet it will look great on you ^^ And whatever you need to do, small steps are important. I also got a wig for cosplaying Haruhi Fugioka from Ouran Host club, which I play in my an my boyfriend's abridged series on youtube. I'm using this for regular cosplaying and for seeing what I will look like with that boyish hairstyle so short before I can cut mine. Because I've been wanting to chop off a lot of my already ridiculously long hair to boyish for some time now. And the wig will be a good reference. Mom doesn't really know that this is the real reason why I got it. But, I'll tell her when I am sure of who I am first. Either way, I'm very happy for you.

 

Okay.... now is it weird that the thought of being trans sticks with me through the entire day? its almost like with my sexual orientation issue i had... and is it weird that i think about female names for me? and is it weird that i start training my voice (with falsetto) just to be on a safe side? i mean im training it because if i end up being trans. i have it easier... and i feel like my body dysphoria becomes more and more noticable (because im focusing on finding one)! i hate bodyhair! its disgusting and it makes me feel unclean and "male"...... i just wish i had none for ever..... and i feel like my genitalia isnt important to me...

anyways....sorry im just trying to talk abit because that makes me feel better... idk it just lifts a weight off my shoulder everytime....

 

Have you thought about talking to therapist? You seem very confused...

 

I have thought about talking to a therapist and I also searched for one in my area that seems sympathetic! As I said I'm extremely confused... And I think I really do fear that I could get judged for unburden my heart to a therapist...

 

What is your mother tongue if I may ask?