I don't post much on here, but I'm in a bit of a situation. I hate being male so much, that I'm often thrown into a state of pure panic and desperation. I can't stand having a male body, and every time I'm reminded of the fact that I'm male, it makes me want to throw up. It's pretty bad when your suicidal on the off chance you might get reincarnated in a female body. I don't want to come out, not because I'm afraid of what people will think, though that is part of it. I don't want to come out because I don't think it will solve a darn thing. I don't care about pronouns, or dressing in a feminine manner, or anything of the sort. Who I am as a male is exactly who I would be as a female, from the way I dress, to what I like, to my general role. I'm a transgendered tomboy, if that makes sense. I don't want to act, dress, or be treated in a feminine manner, but the thought of being male distresses me greatly. In my mind, I am female. In video games, I play female, In dreams, I'm female, hell, I'll even make female profiles on every website I can. Lately though, this hasn't been enough. Each day, I find my distress growing worse. I sleep more, drown myself in more video games, and often contemplate suicide. No, I'm not going to do it, I have too many people depending on me. I figure that I mind as well live out this life, we all die eventually anyway, why put my loved ones through that stress? It's eating me up inside, day after day I feel desperate to do something, to do anything to get rid of this god awful male body. (I don't have anything against males, I just can't stand being one myself.) I have trouble admitting I'm transgendered, simply because it reminds me that I am, in fact, in a male body. I'm desperate. Holy hell am I desperate, but I don't know what to do? How do I make this constant desperation and panic go away? I fight on each day, but each day it get's just a little bit harder, and I think that... if it continues like this... I'm going to lose it all together. What that means, I'm not entirely sure yet, but I'm scared to find out.
You should probably get some sort of professional help. Would being referred to with female pronouns remind you of your male body less often? I didn't think I really cared about pronouns until I had other people refer to me as he/him.
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. I always get a little bit... Jealous? Let's say jealous, when the instructor refers to females in my class, or when someone says it only applies to women, or when someone says "You wouldn't understand, it's a girl thing." It's stuff like that, that really makes me distressed lol. Besides... I know the people I'm around, and they would either not accept me at all, or they would try TOO hard to be accepting. To the point that it would be embarrassing. The thing is... I don't want to be thought of as "transgendered." I want to be thought of as female, though I guess that's probably true with every transgendered person. Truth be told, in a scenario in which I became a full fledged female through some ancient voodoo magic, it would bother me greatly if anyone knew I was every anything but, no matter how accepting they would be.
If I understand right, you want to just BE NORMAL. Right? To not be treated special or differently, but just to be an average tomboy? I can empathize with the "girl stuff" comments, and I've found that sometimes it isn't really my gender that I need to focus on, but rather how I interact with or treat other people. I love girl time. So I told people who said that that I understand and that I want to join in. I'd second that it might do you a lot of good to actually find a therapist or psychologist or something. Everyone needs one for something. But Regardless. Does it help knowing that I see you as a girl? You are no less a girl to me than my own mother. Your body is not important. And honestly, how other people view your body is their issue, not yours. You are a woman and you happen to be flat chested and you grow hair funny and you get treated unfairly. Life sucks for us. BUUUTTTTTTT you are and always have been (assuming this has never been any other way) a perfectly normal girl. It's up to you when you tell people who you are.
Just because you don't subscribe to society's ideas of what it means to be feminine doesn't mean you aren't trans. You're a woman, honey, as far as I can tell. There are plenty of women who dress in a masculine manner, or carry themselves in a way that is not considered characteristically female. That doesn't make them men. You don't have to want to be girly to be a girl. For your own sake, I would suggest seeking some counseling and moving toward transition. Not everybody finds medical or surgical transition necessary, but lifestyle transition can still be very beneficial. Talk to a professional about it, someone who has experience with trans people in a supportive way.
It sounds like you could need professional help, you may not like hearing that, but it sounds like you are just really distressed right now; and an outlet to talk to could help; I don't know through. And oh, don't worry about not wanting to be feminine, I'm a trans girl myself and consider myself a tomboy, it's perfectly fine, being a tomboy doesn't invalidate your femaleness in anyway my dear *hugs*
