Hi there! I noticed that I just can't come out and say what goes through my head and through my mind; I can't talk to anyone, 'cos I feel like a bother, because I get cold feet, because I'm afraid, because I think I have to get over this; the whole "this is a phase, this IS a phase this HAS to be a phase!" Than I though: Sh**... I have this account in this very cool site, were I can talk about all of this and who reads what I write reads it because they want to. So here I am, writing what I would love to be able to say to my family (my mom and [step]dad that I love and could tell EVERYTHING), my special friend who knows more about me than anyone else; maybe not that much more people, because I feel like I'm a character, an actor and not myself, and because of that I just can't connect with people that well (without it being superficial/fake) Even in an earlier forum post I wrote (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/172844-not-just-tomboy.html), I just backed off/got cold feet and said: "I don’t feel like a boy and even less a men, but I don’t feel like a girl, and even less a woman." It's not true, I do feel like a boy. And the more I embrace this, the more I'm okay with the less stereotypical male things that I enjoy. Although if I'm more precise, I feel like a human, more on the male side. But I don't know anymore, I just know that I'm confused and that I DON'T have support out here. So, I'm going to come here more often and rely more on you guys. I want to try male pronouns and the name Davi (so that I can know how it feels), and I want to make some questions: »If you're a trans-man or trans-masculine, and can't transition with hormones and op, how can you do it? » How do you feel when you're with a partner as a girl? do you feel stiff, like lying? :eusa_liar »Are there anythings that are "female oriented" that you actually like? But still feel a guy doing them? »Do you feel like you could stay strong and not transition? »to be continued, 'cos I'm a blob of nothingness and awkwardness... WHAT A RAMBLE! I give up! so many pent-up things that it all crashes as it comes out! :S :bang: Anyway, thanks for reading, I REALLY appreciate it :smilewave
As for your questions: 1. This question sort of contradicts itself, do you mean things you can do to ease dysphoria? Don't try to self-medicate, as in give yourself hormones without a doctor. You can try binding or packing. Maybe just try dressing in a more masculine fashion. You can ask people to use he/him pronouns and a different name without doing something medically. 2. I've never been in a relationship, can't really answer. 3. I like sparkly and shiny things. I love rhinestone decorated objects. I like fanfiction. etc... Gender stereotypes mean nothing, absolutely nothing. 4. I'd say that a reason to put your transition on hold is or your physical safety. If coming out could risk that, don't. Wait until it's safe. However, you'll have to acknowledge that this will never go away in your lifetime. There will be days that the need to transition isn't as immediate, but it's still there. It's just dormant. I know some days I feel that I could just push it to the back of my mind, but it's eventually gonna come back. It's kinda like Temple Run. You can run away from it for long but you're never gonna get to a finish because there is no finish.
If you're a trans-man or trans-masculine, and can't transition with hormones and op, how can you do it? You can transition socially (new name, new pronouns, new gender expression), but there's no other way to transition physically. How do you feel when you're with a partner as a girl? do you feel stiff, like lying? I dated a girl briefly before I'd come out, and it was uncomfortable. She was a lesbian, I was not a girl. It was weird for me to pretend to be one. Are there anythings that are "female oriented" that you actually like? But still feel a guy doing them? Absolutely. I was socialized as a female. I developed a lot of interests based on what was expected of me, and they don't magically go away just because I'm actually a guy. I like wearing dresses (but only when I know I'm around people who will still see me as a guy), I think painting my nails can be fun, I like sewing, I like trashy chick flicks and hate most sports. I'm still a guy in a dress, a guy with cute nails, a guy sewing, and a guy watching a trashy chick flick. My gender has nothing to do with my interests. Do you feel like you could stay strong and not transition? I still don't know if I'm going to transition physically. I'm pretty confident I couldn't survive my entire life without at least transitioning socially. I'm beginning to think I couldn't survive without transitioning physically either.
Thanks... I guess you're right about the gender stereotypes thing... It's not a lot of thing that I like that are "female-oriented", but I'm not very butchy masculine either. Actually, the more I acknowledge what I feel (whatever it is) the more comfortable I get with trying, for example, a pretty hairpiece. But it's just for kicks, and I still can't picture myself or feel as female. About the transitioning there are two things I can't do: transition medically (so I'm doing workouts, going to try a different HEALTHY diet, and dress differently (I hope)); Transitioning socially. I really really really can't transition socially. I could if I got out of this place and said farewell to my parents, but they're included in my life plans, we are a group, we depend in each others to get to our goal/dream. So it's not even a temporary "no no". It's a real lifetime "no go": I'm stuck. I get what you say about the "dormant" thing: sometimes is in the back of my head; sometimes I can nearly nearly be the girl that I'm playing to be. But other days? I'm kinda lost... I never feel like the "100% burly man". But more and more there are things that fit and things I find about myself that I want to explore and can't... sorry about the rant :S I mean, if I can't transition, I just guess I don't.
