I hate being a cis-gendered, straight, white, female.

Out of the billions of straight men that grace this world quite a few are truly amazing people, senstitive, emotional, sweet or whatever other qualities you seek in a man. Some are also empathetic enough to view your needs before their own. LGBT people are just as diverse and you will meet many who are less sympathetic and kind. (This is a support forum, so people are in general more understanding...)

You are already unique and nothing is stopping you from becoming the person that you dream of being but your own inhibitions and fears. Look inside yourself and find the qualities you admire in women and become that person. View life as a journey and weave out of your experiences a grand story of adventure, bravery and joy.

We are all just people here. Men and women trying to make the most of the cards that fate handed us. It's all we can really do and this community is a way to make the most out of circumstances by helping us cope with the fears, doubts and sorrow through shared experiences. If you need support and a helping hand just ask, you don't need to become someone you are not to reach out to others for help.

Much hugs and take care,

(*hug*)

Yael

 

You want to know a secret? A lot of people in our communities, are straight. I have been doing Rocky Horror since I was 14, and most of those people are straight. I was deeply closeted, so I was one of the "straight guys" that did it. Way, way more straight people than you'd imagine at gay bars. And at pride.

And for perspective a lot of gay, bi, and trans people honestly don't really want anything to do with any kind of community. They don't participate, and I don't think they have to. You, just being there, is what makes you a part of a community. You don't need anyone's permission.

I know what you mean about straight guys :/ I do my best not to hold it against them and I remind myself the vast majority aren't like the ones I have the misfortune of talking to, but yeah. The tiny number of guys that have decided to represent the male half of the species to me, they don't respect my time, "I'm gay" is a challenge to be met with "I've gotten other lesbians to sleep with me before", they're sweet 'till they get what I want... I mean I learned fast all the stereotypes come from somewhere. Between us and this is going to sound horrible? I have been so glad I am trans, it's kind of a secret weapon They find out I have something they're not interested in, they unfriend and block me all of a sudden, life is grand I feel so bad for the straight trans women out there because they probably feel something other than "life is grand" and the worst I ever have to deal with is the ones that view that part of me that's caused nothing but grief as an added bonus or something that makes me more attractive - I don't hold it against them, it's how you're wired you know? I'm exotic I get that - but I mean that can't even compare to what they go through.

So all I can say is that it really is not most guys that are like that. I know I know but where are all the good ones, right?

Well, if you are looking for someone that maybe has a little more perspective from yoru side of things, there are a lot of FtM guys and Bi guys out there, who are absolutely a catch and a half, who need understanding straight women like yourself Believe me the straight people that date us LGBT folk get more than their fair share of crap, and are definitely a part of our family if you're asking me. I'm not saying fetishizing, that makes us feel like crap, I mean how would you feel you know? Love a man because of who he is, not what he is. Not that you wouldn't. But I am saying that people like you, that are straight, that want to be a part of our community? Are definitely welcome, and are definitely needed, and that is just one example of how.

 

I think the only thing you want is to be part of a community. You're welcome here, even as an ally. You may not be a "member" of the community per se, but you support us and that's more than enough.

We're just people who share the same experiences, and that's why communities like this are formed, although those experiences are (most of the time) not very nice. Harassment, violence and hate is what we usually get for being a minority.
You may look at it from the outside and think "wow, what a cool place, I wish I were like them", but you have to be happy with who you are, and proud of how lucky you are. There's nothing wrong with being cis, just like there's nothing wrong with being trans. We're just different people.

 

Nothing wrong with being cis heterosexual and white. It's who you are (at least for now).

Not everyone who is part of an lgbt community themselves an lgbt person.

 

Being LGBTQ isn't easy. Even when you live in a liberal area, it isn't easy. Even when you're somewhere filled with accepting people, and where it's safe to be yourself, it still isn't easy. Coming out is hard. You say you want to see who would support you and who you could dump, but it isn't that easy. Losing friends sucks. Sure, it's ultimately better not to have people who won't accept you in your life, but it still hurts when they leave.

I know you mean well, but the idea of cis straight people wanting to be LGBTQ makes me uncomfortable. People see the parades and they see the community and they see the success stories, and they think being LGBTQ must be so cool and fun and different. Believe me, I wouldn't change who I am, even if being cis and straight would be easier, but it really would be easier. I wouldn't have to come out over and over and over again. I wouldn't have to hide who I am from people who might not be accepting but that I'm not ready to lose as friends. I wouldn't have to experience the horrible discomfort of being called by the wrong name and pronouns almost every day. None of that is something you want for yourself.

All that being said, I do understand the feeling of wanting a community, and the LGBTQ community is quite visible, so it makes sense that you would turn to that. But there are other communities you can be a part of. I've joined online communities based around all sorts of thing, from a forum about a specific phobia I have to a website for people who crochet to a whole group of people who just really, really like Tegan and Sara. You don't have to be LGBTQ to find an awesome community that you can really feel like you're a part of.

 

Girl, let me say something right now. I'm comfortable with my sexuality and since I am white, I know my skin color enables me to have unfair social privileges over others, so I can only say one thing;

be so glad that you are cisgendered. It is absolutely awful looking at yourself in the mirror and not seeing you. Since I'm made of female anatomy I always see a girl in the mirror, and I unfortunately have long hair and large breasts as well. It makes me so sick. (Though I am planning on getting a haircut soon... I haven't quite worked up the courage.) I don't have a credit card and I can barely drive, so I can't get a binder unless I risk it and make a homemade one or come out, which I am not ready to do.

All in all, why do you act as if you should be ashamed? There is nothing wrong with being who you are, or being proud of who you are, as long as you aren't harming anybody.

That's just my two cents.

 

It's important to realize that even some LGBT people hate their own community. There are gays and lesbians who are biphobic and transphobic. There are gay men who are misogynist toward lesbians and bi women. There are lesbians who find gay men "disgusting". There are bi people who are homophobic ("sexuality is fluid for everyone"), and straight trans people who drop the community and dislike LGB people.

As a lesbian I don't even feel safe in my community sometimes, because I get constantly harassed by bi people to be "more like them, learn to love men and take dick, be more open minded". I also know bi people have felt the same from other lesbians "Touching a guy is gross, It's a phase", etc.

I empathize about straight men, however. I think that's what makes being straight hard too in a way.

 

Oh my f***ing gods I MET A GUY LIKE THAT. He was going ON AND ON about how trans people were disgusting and insane, h*ll he sounded like that bat-s**t crazy lady from the Westboro Baptist Church! And then he said he was gay and proud of it! That SHOCKED me. It's just.. I guess I can't fathom it.... I don't understand why people have to be so mean to other people....

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2015 at 05:55 PM ----------

Erm..... I don't know about EC's rules on swearing, so if you guys wish to delete my post because of language that's perfectly peachy ^^

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2015 at 05:57 PM ----------

And erm.... no disrespect to the WBC, I'm just appalled by the way they find no shame in verbally abusing young children for sexuality...... It's not that I don't like that they disagree with my lifestyle, it's the WAY they choose to go about it....... very vulgar. Their signs are SO dreadfully hateful it saddens me......

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2015 at 06:08 PM ----------

To the OP, I know how you feel, actually. When I thought I was cis (Dear gods the horror of that time T-T) I used to wish I was a lesbian, because the LGBT community seemed like such a cheerful, tight-knit place. But in the end, nay, I was only into guys. I understand the feeling of wanting a community, but hun you're already part of it! Allies mean more to us than we could ever tell you- we value you so much more than you could realize, dear. However, the fact that sex with another women seems appealing to you might indicate you're bisexual; when I still thought I was female I used to fantasize about having sex as a guy with another guy. Of course, only you know who you are attracted to, but you know if you ever want to experiment with a women, there's no harm in it!
Best of luck hun

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2015 at 06:10 PM ----------

So ironically I turned out to be gay anyway, haha.

 

And like a lot of people have already said, not every LGBT person associates with the community. I avoid a lot of LGBT events because I don't like how sex driven and superficial some aspects of the gay/bi male culture can be. I avoid LOGO like the plague. And I will vomit if anyone tells me to "be fabulous". But I do proudly identify as LGBT regardless.

Honestly there's nothing special or magical about being LGBT. I think once you peel back the glitter, we're pretty boring people (as most people are.) I might be a transgender man but the most exciting thing I do every week is go to a sushi joint and come home to feed my fish and my cats.

There's nothing wrong with being straight or cis. I'm more than my gender and sexuality. And so are you.

 

I grew up in the most preppy, stuck-up suburbia you can imagine--so I want to say I can relate when you say you feel devoid of a community. The customs of affluent white people can be suffocating and impersonal. And I'm guessing you're young, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. So I'm going to tell you about what my feelings about the cis-white-straight-suburb culture was when I was younger and how it has changed.
I remember wanting to be associated with anything but what I was raised in when I was young, but a lot of that was because I didn't appreciate it at the time. Rich white suburbia has LOW violent crime rates, which is something you don't appreciate until you've lived somewhere else. Also, all that fake talk and fake attitudes you come across at dinner parties is actually a good sign--there are plenty of cultures where a disagreement at a party can come to fisticuffs and porchmonkeys yelling obscene shit at passing women is just the norm. Yea, being in-genuine can be revolting at times, but being ABLE to be fake indicates a level of social control and respect that is really valuable in a person. Also--this is going to sound vague, but middle to upper class white people just have a lot of nice things. Nice things are fucking awesome, but they usually come at the cost of a white collar 9-5 job in an office. Security isn't sexy or exciting, but the more life hits you, and the more responsibilities you come to bear (ex. raising a child), the more you come to value it.
And for that thing about disliking straight guys--you just haven't spent enough time looking. When I was in highschool and had only dated 3 girls I felt I knew women--and didn't care much for what I thought the straight girl personality was, either--but boy was I fucking wrong. I knew teen princesses from ONE town. Going to college and dating a whole bunch of different girls with difference backgrounds was really important for how I see relationships and judge eligibility today.
My overall point being is that my opinion of my hometown changed dramatically from when I was 18 to when I was 25, and I know I'm not the only person who experienced that change. There is a fun, vulgar side to a lot of adults that they only show when in the company of friends--and probably suppress when around younger people (a lot of people will even TRY to not be fun around teenagers so that they will leave them alone). Find people with that vulgar side and you'll find your community.
By all means, you are also welcome in queer culture. Get involved: wear a rainbow pin, attend rallies, stand up for tolerance and you will be accepted just as much as any other person.

 

I need to highlight the fact that the term 'porchmonkey' is regarded as a highly offensive term for African Americans in many parts of the US. It's often used as an alternative for the N word.

Nlove - Whatever you feel your struggles are due to your race, you should be able to take comfort in the fact that you don't have to deal with what I've listed above. As you get older, it will become very apparent just how beneficial it is.

 

You don't have to be gay or trans* to be part of the LGBTQIA community. As long as you're an ally, you're welcome. There are so many straight people that are involved with LGBT rights issues that consider themselves part of the community and that's great. :icon_wink

 

You're a girl who likes boys. That's me as well! High-five! (Though I like girls too to some extent ^.^ )

You can always be an ally. And as such you're more than welcome here in the LGBT+ community!