Sometimes I become mired down in thought and self-doubt regarding genderfluidity. In the frustration of all the complex rationalizations I use to convince myself that I am or am not gender-queer I rally back to one, simple thought: I just really want to be able to change into a woman—and then be able to change back. I often think about how much time I would spend as a female if I literally could snap my fingers to go back and forth between shapes. Sometimes I think I would spend almost my whole life as a woman (except maybe sometimes during sex)...but I also wonder if that's just a “balancing out.” I've been male my whole life, so the scale is tipped that way, weighted down with all these years. The only way I can add balance on the female side is fantasy--pebbles compared to rocks--and so my desire for that side is inversely strong. It's like when you are in the heart of winter and beg for summer--swearing that the potential of being too hot isn't so bad. You'll be wishing for winter again when there's a heatwave in July and you may think to yourself that it was naïve to have begged for this back in January. But in that moment when you were shivering indoors your desire for warmth did not have a sense of pacing: there was only the immediate yearn.
