Battling Gender Dysphoria

Pretty much like that. I remind myself that I can change things and one day it'll be happen, one day I'll be on T and have top surgery and be viewed as male without question. I just have to wait a little bit.

 

By not shaving... *insert evil laugh*
Flexing my scrawny arms in front of the mirror.
Wearing inspirational Batman merchandise.
And doing lots of pushups.

 

Even if I don't look male perfectly right now in the mirror, it doesn't change who I am, I tell myself. More than physical appearance, I am who I am inside and that's ok. One day my body will match who I am inside, and till then I can hold on! I can fight this stupid dysphoria, it can't beat me! And I'll just have to do my best with what I have, I'll work on everything I can. OPTIMISM!
Of course there I days where I am so defeated I curl up and cry because I'm afraid I'll never be able to be myself... But I try to get out of these ruts. I'm stronger than that.

 

I have a collection of photo's that I take to help me feel better. I have a few bras, inserts, leggings, tights, shorts, skinnies and cute tops.] I wait until that one moment where I feel great and take a ton of pictures. The best ones are effectively from my point of view, so I can lie on my bed, look down, see my breasts and the rest of my body. Just one look, close my eyes and it's almost enough.

I usually do this before bed, and so taking it all off doesn't feel as bad. Because I can dream about it when I'm there >//>

 

I think of the future, and how in college I'll be far away from home/hell and will be able to be the girl I am freely. I have the gift of a wonderful mind, and use it to comfort myself and talk myself out of depression. But every day, I still wake up feeling terrible with extreme dysphoria. Anyway, I just think about how good my life'll be when I'm finally free. <3

 

I just do whatever I can to try to ignore that I have...certain parts really, when the dysphoria hits.

One thing that can be truly confusing is thinking about what I'd rather put up with in the long run...a male or female body. It's a really weird thought process for obvious reasons.

 

Oh man xD I have banned mirrors. Only in emergencies for bathrooms. But the family knows I hate mirrors. I never really explained why xD

 

Mirrors! Eek! Every time I see myself in a mirror nowadays I get a compulsive urge to redo my makeup and dress feminine!

I think the photo idea is very good: whenever I feel really sad and ungirly I just look at the photos in which I look quite pretty or androgynous and take a deep sigh.

The worst part is going to work: I wear a padded bra and makeup for slight shape, but I get constantly misgendered= I only really get through these days by planning what to wear when I get home, if only briefly, before I go to bed!

One thing I would recommend even pre hrt (like me!) is to keep a photo/diary/voice catalogue. That way when you get really sad you can see how far you've come!

 

By binding when I can (but still having to give myself a break after a few hours), and packing and wearing men's boxers pretty much all the time. Wearing men's clothes. Working out helps, I do push ups and tricep dips at home. I'm really weak and have serious noodle arms, and it is pretty painful to exercise, but I keep reminding myself of how I will feel if it all works out, what I want to look like, and all that, and I keep going. It does feel good.

I also second TheRealTheaJane above, keep a diary even if you are pre HRT. Not only does it keep track of things, it also can make you feel better if you're having a bad day.

By using my name and pronouns I feel most comfortable with, if nobody is around to address me as such (and I'm not out to anyone outside the internet, so there really is not a whole lot of chance for this) I validate myself by addressing myself that way. Also giving myself room and time to figure myself out, whoever I might be, and not beating myself up over every feeling I get.

 

How do you folks deal with voice issues? I saw mention of voice catalogue... Do you ever do singing or something like that? I just 'deal' when I'm at work, but when I get home, I pretty much don't speak at all.

Also for pronouns, I noticed the 'test your pronouns' bit. But I usually have some online roleplays and chat servers for that x3

 

Hmm. I like to bind when I can, avoid shaving my legs and arms (pits are gross in my opinion when it grows longer and it doesn't make me feel any more masculine). I have a thing for male smells, deodorant, aftershave, hair gel, things like that. For me that's something that instantly makes me feel better even though I don't sweat much. I hate working out - but I hate any physical activity - although it does make me feel less conscious about my small frame and awkward arms. Mirrors are definitely banned completely. I wear clothes from the men's department (about 60% of my wardrobe) and I like to get my favorite T-shirt or clothing that I feel like makes me pass. Talking to myself is another thing even though it's a bit silly. Complimenting myself, using the right pronouns, things like that.

I do vocal exercises, even though I'm a bad singer I try to sing male parts but I have an okay voice. It's not that high so as long as I pay attention I sound reasonably masculine.

 

Definitely! I mean, my singing could irritate any number of hearing-impaired cats, but singing the female vocals (Or male vocals, if you've ever heard The Darkness??) trains my voice to get higher: I did try and do the reading really high pitched trick, but I just get carried away and engrossed in the book :icon_bigg
My first video to myself was just talking in my naturally deep guy voice, but slowly and surely my pitch is raising and turning more singsong =^.^= It seems to change more than you notice!

I also forgot, for girls having a nice long hot bath and shaving my legs and body gives great peace of mind!

 

I figure I'm pretty lucky. My singing voice never truly broke, I only started singing deeper because of being in an all-boys house [didn't realise back then]. And we went to the Cathedral once a week for 3 years and then twice a week for 3 years... Lots of singing... So I had to stand with all the broken/breaking voices boys.

I can still hit the high notes in My Immortal, and I love The Darkness x3

Reading a book out loud to get used to speaking in a higher pitch? I never thought of that. The only things I have at the moment is someone else's voice training notes xD

As for... shaving your legs.. well I have a nice cut now.. as I wasn't paying attention.. I'm going to try that cream... because shaving is a nono.

 

My dysphoria can get really fucking bad at certain times - especially during the times when I have to take a shower, and thus have to see my naked body and think about what shouldn't be there but is there and what I wish would be there but isn't, unfortunately, the most I have really been able to do to battle it is to force myself to think about other things and not dwell on it, since I don't really have any options available to me right now that could help me battle it in other ways.

If those options, like being able to wear women's clothing or shave my legs and arms or wear makeup were more practical or available to me at the current moment, I'd do them, but they aren't; so all I can do is grow my hair out and try and be happy regardless of the fact that my body is male or not.

 

Role-playing makes me feel better. I get to be just how I want to be.

 

I honestly don't know how I am doing it either - seeing as I honestly feel like that I am going to lose what composure I have and explode emotionally and even mentally half the time as it is, but I guess I find a way to do it; whatever that way is; I am not exactly sure what it is yet through.

And yeah, they are aren't that? ugh, those are just terrible.