So, ever since I started dating at 14, my mom would say this to me, and it was really weird... She seems to think whenever I'm in a relationship with a guy, to her it looks more like a friendship. She's said this about almost every one of my 7 boyfriends over time. This kinda confuses me. I can see how I may be very close to my boyfriends in a friend way, because I always felt like my significant other should also be my best friend, and because it gave me a chance to hang out with boys in a "boy" way and feel more validated. I did all the stuff that they did because it was stuff I wanted to do but felt like I wasn't allowed because I was a "girl", so it kinda gave me permission to be at something like a LAN party with a bunch of guys. Now, I'm also very romantically and sexually attracted to my boyfriends. Always have been. My mom knows I started having sex at 14, and I enjoyed it. It wasn't something forced on me, it was something I initiated and pursued. She also has a false memory of me telling her I'm a lesbian, which I find difficult to believe because I've never identified as a lesbian so I don't know why I would say that. I've experimented with friends a few times, but ultimately it wasn't for me. Girls don't make sense to me, and being with a girl seems like a bit of a stretch unless they're super-tomboyish girls. My best friend is a bisexual girl, and she's had crushes on me before, and I love her like crazy, but it's not the same kind of love I feel toward men. Maybe she was mistaking my trans boy qualities as lesbian qualities and was assuming I really liked girls? Or is there something more to a "real relationship" other than a close friendship+sexual/romantic attraction that I'm not getting? My fiancé and I are currently very committed, supportive of each other, and serious about each other. We're also best friends and play around constantly. I've had abusive boyfriends in the past who didn't deserve my trust, but being in a bad relationship is still a relationship and not a friendship, right? I guess I'm just trying to understand why she might say this? I think it would be easier for her to accept me as a lesbian than a trans man (especially a gay trans man), and maybe that is contributing? Any thoughts?
I don't know why your mother would say that. I think it's definitely possible that accepting you as a lesbian is easier for her, or that she mistook your masculine qualities for you being a lesbian. But it sounds like she's wrong. I don't think there's any more to a "real relationship" that you're missing. I think your mother is just misinterpreting your relationships.
I don't think she meant anything bad by it? If you are in a relationship it is natural to share certain private things with that person and vice versa. Does that therefore not make you friends as well as lovers? Sometimes people can innocently sow seeds of doubt in your mind whilst at the same time meaning well. Try to do what you feel is best for you in your relationships and remember that no third person no matter who they are understand what 2 other people have. Therefore even with the best will in the world unless your mother feels you are making a huge mistake or unless you ask for her advice she should really mind her own business and say nothing.
I wish it was always so innocent. When I was 18, I had a boyfriend in Indiana I met online and had been talking to for a year. I wanted to go visit him for a month during summer vacation. My mom agreed at first, but then the day before my flight was scheduled, she told me my relationship was not a real relationship, that I didn't know the difference between a relationship and a friendship, and that she would not take me to the airport, and then she took me to our therapist for an "emergency/crisis intervention" session with her and my dad and she had the therapist ask me if I knew what the difference was between a friend and a boyfriend. I wanted to say, "In a relationship you have all the things you have in a friendship, and you love them and want to have sex!" but I wasn't going to say that in front of my father so I just shut down and refused to speak the entire session, then pretended to agree with everything the "adults" were saying. A few nights ago, I came out as trans and one of the first things she said is that my relationships always seemed like friendships and she asked what my current boyfriend thought of all this. I told her he knew everything and was supportive and that we're in a gay relationship. Her response was "So, you're gay?"... "Yes mom, I'm a gay trans man"... "So, doesn't that make you a lesbian?"... "No mom, I like men"... "But you told me you were a lesbian. You know, it's ok to like women and be a woman. You can like all the things you like and be a strong woman." ... so I know I'm a gay man, but it's concerning me, especially when I'm looking forward to marriage in less than a year, that there's something about relationships that I apparently just don't get? I want to ignore this because I feel like it's ridiculous, but at the same time there's this annoying part of me that wants to know *why* someone would think my relationships are lacking... It's like, why would my parents do something so drastic over nothing? Maybe there is something I'm not seeing?
I'm pretty confident you're not missing anything. Your mother's actions were completely out of line. It is not even a little bit reasonable to not let you see your boyfriend because she didn't think it was a real relationship. Nothing your mother has done is okay. Insisting that you're a lesbian, insisting that you can just be a "strong woman", insisting that your relationships are not real. None of it is okay. Did the therapist say anything about relationships that seemed like it was missing from your relationships? It's not unreasonable to trust the therapist, but I assure you, you have no reason to trust your mother. Her actions are incorrect; the things she has said are incorrect. It's your job to just ignore her.
