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I'm struggling to cope with the disconnect (TW)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Eveline, Oct 13, 2015.

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  1. Eveline

    Eveline
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    Over the last two days, I reverted to feeling disconnected. It feels so horrible as if I am alone and nothing I do will ever bridge the distance between myself and others. I just csme back from the psychologist and it was an awful experience. The cold calculated way I spoke and interacted and yer unconscious response of distancing herself from me. This hurts so much right now as I was feeling so alive at the end of last week but the constant misgendering by my family, using my birth name and other actions broke me. Suddenly everything has become so foreign to me, I don't really feel female, I feel nothing hut emptiness and it is making me suicidal despite reeling very little sadness. I just can't stand this feeling anymore and the pain that it is causing me. I don't want to exist like this and I'm tired of how rarely I don't feel like this. When I'm disconnected I feel as if I can't do anything towards transitioning because I have no driving force, the numbness makes actions seem so distant and meaningless. I'm so tired of this and don't know what to ro anymore... :icon_sad:
     
    #1 Eveline, Oct 13, 2015
  2. Alder

    Alder
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    I'm really sorry you're feeling this way hon. (*hug*) The emptiness sucks and these feelings are not easy, but I know you can make it through and past this period in your life. One day in the future you will be able to connect with who you are and everything will be able to fit together, so please hold on to that. It's going to be a process but this is just a part of it. What you feel now, it's not going to last forever.

    Is there anyone else you can talk to, maybe a helpline or an online emailing/chat support? If it's really urgent, please call a helpline, and know that this feeling won't be permanent. I hope you'll feel better soon. Meanwhile, you have all of our support (&&&) I don't know if this helps at all, but just know you're not alone in all of this. Cheers and sending you some good thoughts from where I am :kiss:
     
    #2 Alder, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
  3. Eveline

    Eveline
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    Thank you, I really appreciate it. (*hug*)

    I don't really have anyone to talk to until Thursday. I wish I had a way to find myself again when I fall. What makes it so painful is the lack of control, the feeling that my natural state of being is to feel disconnected. That it is so hard to break it and that even when I do, tye gender dysphoria just takes me back to feeling disconnected again. I was really sure that I wouldn't fall again because I was feeling so alive and free but it just slowly eats at you until you find yourself trapped and alone again.
     
    #3 Eveline, Oct 13, 2015
  4. shinyemerald

    shinyemerald Guest

    I cant really say anything but I feel sorry that you have to struggle right now! When I felt suicidal I just dealt with my problems myself and that boiled up... It helps to talk about it! And I always said to myself that if life isn't that great at the moment it can only get better! I hope you will get through this! You are you and irreplaceable in any way! Much Love <3

    -Naomi <3
     
    #4 shinyemerald, Oct 13, 2015
  5. MetalRice

    MetalRice
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    I'm sorry your feeling that way hun, it sucks, it sucks hard, and I hope you can find a way to get through this, you are a lovely person and I hope everything works out for you

    - Kirsten <3
     
    #5 MetalRice, Oct 13, 2015
  6. waternation

    waternation Guest

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    I'm sorry to hear this Yeali :icon_sad: I do hope you feel better. You are still alive and free and don't give up hope that one day things will be a lot better, we're all here for you. I know it must be difficult, but don't give up.

    Sending a lot of hugs and love your way (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
    #6 waternation, Oct 13, 2015
  7. Eveline

    Eveline
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    Thank you so much for the support, I really needed it. (*hug*)

    I'm feeling much better now, I just needed to share and purge my fears and anxieties. It's so hard when you feel a tiny spark of life and truly believe that it will remain with you only to have your hopes dashed. At least I'm finding it easier to recover which is a positive sign. Anyway, thank you again and your words meant a lot to me. (&&&)

    Much love and hugs,

    Yael
     
    #7 Eveline, Oct 13, 2015
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